am I asserting myself or just a bitch?

[jenloiacono]

I don't know if anyone else feels like this, I sure hope they do.. Now that I've been on Celexa and Klonopin for about a year now and been in therapy for about a year and a half, my anxiety has greatly diminished. I'm feeling much less panicky at work, and I no longer have anxiety so paralyzing that I spend hours sitting at my desk, staring at my computer doing nothing because I am too overwhelmed to know where to start.

I am so much more assertive at work, I have no problem stating my opinions, and have gotten angry on more than one occasion with my boss. I CANNOT wait to leave this job, and am furiously searching for a new job. I worry now though that since I've been anxious my whole life and have always had the filter turned up to 10 and turned everything inward, now that I am expressing myself I have NO IDEA what is appropriate and what is not.

I can't tell if I'm being assertive or if I'm just a bitch now. I feel like I have word vomit now and I just spew whatever I'm thinking. I worry that this is really who I am. Now that the meds have taken away a lot of my anxiety, they've made me the bitch I've always been inside. Now I spend a ton of time yelling at myself in my head for the things I say. What I say is honestly how I feel, but in my life it has NEVER been okay to say what I feel, so I don't know how to do it appropriately now..

Has anyone else felt remotely like this? I just hope I can adjust..

[manuel_moe_g]

Maybe the Celexa and Klonopin have allowed a irritation cause by depression to be revealed? And your job is disappointing you, so maybe a lot of your anger is justified.

What I say is honestly how I feel, but in my life it has NEVER been okay to say what I feel, so I don't know how to do it appropriately now..

Maybe, because you were unnaturally constrained before, you are just now learning how to use anger to protect yourself and respect and love yourself in the right way. So it makes sense that sometimes you might make mistakes, because it is all new to you.

Please take care, all the best, we here are all cheering for you and cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[Ryansings]

I very much doubt you're being a bitch. More likely, as Manuel very succinctly pointed out, you are just unused to asserting yourself and you're second-guessing yourself because it's such a novel experience. I sort of know what you mean. People think I'm quite confident but it's all a front. Being assertive takes a tremendous force of will, and I'm never quite sure if I'm over-shooting the mark.

Have confidence that your opinions, comments and observations are just as valid as anyone elses.

Ryan

[jenloiacono]

thanks so much for the reassurance, i really appreciate it.

it's just really hard sometimes.. i feel like i am driving a new car, and i don't know the controls..

it's hard not to get down on myself when i get too far in my head and start beating myself up about having to learn things i should have been taught/shown as a kid...

[comaseason]

My therapist sometimes asks me to pretend as if I'm another person. So if I'm in a situation where I feel like I'm overreacting or behaving somehow inappropriately, I ask myself:

If this exact same situation were happening to someone else, would these behaviors be reasonable?

Usually the answer is yes. Most times I can totally see, and agree with, someone else standing up for themselves and expressing their anger or asserting themselves. Only when I look at the situation in the context of myself does it seem over the top or inappropriate.

This might work for you because you seem really self aware and very in tune with how people's actions and words can impact each other.

I agree with Ryan and Manuel - expressing yourself in this way is a foreign concept and will probably feel wrong or unnatural at first. Don't give up on it. Expression of our thoughts/feelings/experiences is a very key part of being truly known by other people and thereby having a more fulfilling life.

[BecomingKind]

Being a bitch sometimes isn't that uncommon. Could be worse. Atleast you're aware of it. The difference between bitch and assertive woman has to do with style rather than content.

What were the things that helped you improve? Do you have insights into what caused your problems?

[jenloiacono]

That's one of the big things that i worry about, is that since i never was able to express any emotion, that i'm not sure that i'l asserting myself in the right "style".

One of the biggest things that helped me improve was getting on the right medication combination to get my depression and anxiety to a manageable level. The second thing that I worked a lot on in therapy was exploring why i didn't feel like i was entitled to assert myself or express my emotions.

When my parents got divorced, my sister and I moved with my mom from California to Illinois. she was incredibly distraught over the divorce, and i think she was dealing with enough of her emotions, that she couldn't physically handle anything that her kids were upset about. This just became how we lived. if i got angry about something or was upset about something, my mom would instantly tell me that i was crazy, that i was over reacting. I was the "hyper sensitive" one in the family. while there may be some truth to that, i am sensitive, all of my feelings were completely dismissed and labeled as an irrational outburst. she never ever took the time to talk to me about what was wrong. she just wanted the situation to go away as quickly as possible because she wasn't equipped to deal with it.

all i needed was her to sit with me, let me express why i was upset, and maybe give me a little validation or tell me that she understood and that everything was going to be okay. I just grew up being taught that emotions were wrong. If i got emotional, my mom would roll her eyes and act like i was this monster having this ridiculous outburst.

kids aren't that emotional for no reason at all. I quite obviously needed some help because there were things i was upset about. but rather than try to get me some help, or recognize that i needed something, she just kept trying to sweep all emotions under the rug so she didn't have to deal with them.

UGH. now i just feel like a whiny bitch blaming everything on my childhood. i'm a fucking grown woman, and should just know how to navigate this shit by now.

[Ryansings]

You're not at all whining! Crikey, you were told for your most formative years to stay quiet and get your head down. It's no wonder you've got some stuff you need to say, and you're perfectly entitled to say it. And it doesn't sound whiney. It sounds honest.

Ryan

ps. Sorry to contradict you

[fifthsonata]

I think, regardless of age, we all learn continuously along the way


From what I've read, it doesn't sound like you're being a bitch at all. If you're unhappy in your job of course it's going to manifest in your behavior...however, since you've repressed yourself for so long, it's likely that because you haven't experienced the situation on a regular basis, you may not have a grasp on what's socially acceptable in terms of confrontation. That does NOT make you a bitch, at all - look at this objectively. We can't expect children or teenagers to fully comprehend the scope of others' needs because they're still egocentric. They haven't learned when it's appropriate to be selfish and when it isn't - and since you haven't been given the opportunity to learn appropriate confrontation, you can't expect yourself to be able to instantly understand social boundaries in confrontation.


We ALL have things that we didn't get the opportunity to develop as we grew up - so I share this in hopes of making you feel better, I haven't learned how to express my emotions or needs adequately.


Since you haven't been fired, and there's no restraining order or pending litigation, you seem to be handling yourself very well


When you find a job you LIKE, you'll be VERY surprised at how...well, "un-angry" you are. Seriously, right now I'm temporarily stuck in a job I absolutely despise so I confront my bosses on a regular basis - so this behavior is normal. If you don't have a job you like, you have to express this discontent somehow. You have to find a way to vent. Perhaps, through this continual expression of discontent, they'll get the hint and make improvements to ... well, at least get you to stop complaining, LMAO - my bosses did that one to me.

[jenloiacono]

Thank you so much, all of you, for the reassurance. My therapist as well has had me look at things as if i'm another person. It's SO much easier to be lenient and generous when you're thinking about someone else.

I know it's completely unrealistic that I expect myself to acquire these skills out of nowhere, but sometimes it is SO HARD not to feel completely inadequate and broken when i feel like so many people around me have it figured out..

It's hard to separate what I know intellectually and the voice continually yelling at me for not being good enough..