Hi there, mentally ill pals!

[The Sleeper]

Hi Forum! I am a 26 year old female. I found this podcast a few days go when I searched for Paul F. Tompkins on my podcast app. I've only listened to one episode so far but I plan on catching up with all of them as soon as I can. I like that mental illness is discussed in such a caring way that emphasizes the fact that we aren't alone and we can all help each other by being open with our problems.

I have always been a goofy person capable of having a good time when around others but would get really down on myself when alone. I was diagnosed with dysthymia (high five, Mimi ) about three years ago and have been seeing the same therapist since then. I've been on various meds for nine years but I am currently feeling pretty good on Cymbalta. I have made huge strides over the years but it seems that as my depression has lessened, my anxiety has greatly increased.

My current woes: I have been into art my whole life but after I studied art photography in college my drive to create faded away. I can't tell if I don't create because I am too afraid of what people will think of my finished product or if I am legitimately no longer interested. I have major guilt about it and I don't like it when my family asks me why I don't take photos anymore. I also feel like I haven't tried enough to get a good job. I have a college education, yet I work for minimum wage at a crappy retail store. Again, is it because of the economy or is it my fault? It's probably more my fault now, since I have stopped even trying to find a better job since I have already convinced myself it's not possible.

My name is "The Sleeper" because I have trained myself to need 11 hours of sleep a night in order to avoid life.

[MrSensitive]

Hey there! Sounds like you and me have some things in common!

I love photography, writing and such but find it hard to do. I think I'm afraid of sucking, which everyone does at first, but somehow would be a tragedy if it was me. I also probably should have been diagnosed with the mild depression and general anxiety earlier. As it is, it took a panic attack and major depression onset to get me to a shrink and my current Paxil/Xanax supercombo.

I have a college degree, too, but am working the same job I got five years ago, and haven't exactly burned rubber in applying for grad schools, jobs or even moving away.

I think you and I are gonna get along just fine!

[seb]

Hi Sleeper!

Welcome to the forums. I'm new 'round these parts too. I get the creative block thing too - like yourself and MrSensitive I find that I'm enthusiastic about creating something until about three seconds before I do it, then it becomes overwhelming and it seems much more important to spend the day on Wikipedia finding out what happened to all my favourite 80's pop stars, followed by a few hours of beating myself up mentally for not being more active. It can go on for months, but on the days when you make a small amount of creative progress the feeling is one of pride and relief. Or so I recall. It's been a while between creative bouts.

Nice to meet you and I hope to chat more with you soon.

[manuel_moe_g]

I find that I'm enthusiastic about creating something until about three seconds before I do it, then it becomes overwhelming and it seems much more important to spend the day on Wikipedia finding out what happened to all my favourite 80's pop stars, followed by a few hours of beating myself up mentally for not being more active.

Wow, this sounds so familiar!

[The Sleeper]

Thanks for the nice comments! I'm very good at avoidance as well. I haven't accomplished any of the goals I keep setting with my therapist for about a month now and I'm feeling pretty ashamed. I just reeeaally don't want to experience those uncomfortable anxiety feelings I guess.

[Murphy]

I haven't accomplished any of the goals I keep setting with my therapist for about a month now and I'm feeling pretty ashamed.

Do you every worry about disappointing your therapist? I used to feel like that all the time. Not that he ever made me feel judged, it was all in my head.

With the photography, as I'm sure you know, depression can come with a lack of interest in things. My interest in hobbies waxes and wanes with the depression. If you really want to get back into it, I'd schedule a time in advance and make yourself do it--not to show anybody, just for yourself If you can, do it so that no one even sees so they won't ask you about it. This way you can spend some time on it and see if you actually like it or not. Easier said than done, I know, but if you can will yourself to do it, it might be worth a try.

[The Sleeper]

Yes I feel like I will disappoint her which is definitely in my head. I also feel like I'm wasting her time, especially since she is seeing me pro bono. I feel like she is doing so much to help me and I'm spitting in her face by not actually accomplishing anything.

The mere act of putting that feeling into words helped me realize how untrue it was but when it was just rushing through my head unchecked I believed it.

Scheduling a time in advance is a really good idea. Planning on doing something creative is scary because then I feel all the bad feelings that are now associated with it, but if I don't plan it it's never going to happen.