Made a good decision today, I think.

[jenloiacono]

I quit drinking today.

I do not think I am an alcoholic, but I do think that is my future if I don't get a handle on this now.

I don't like my relationship with alcohol. I drink when I come home frustrated from work. I do not want to use anything to numb my feelings anymore. I want to confront them head on and navigate through them.

I don't like who I am when I drink. For some reason, when I am out with friends and we're drinking, I feel like I have to "compete" and drink the most and that means I'm the "most fun". Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, I'm not sure I understand what my motivation is when I get like this. Last night, I went out and I pregamed before we went out. I drank at dinner. I bought shots and many more drinks once we got to the bar. I just couldn't stop because then I would be lame. The problem is, at 5'9" and 130lbs, I'm quite literally a "2 beer queer". I don't know why I can't control this compulsion when I'm drinking.

I don't like where my thoughts go when I drink. Last night while out at the bar, I went to the bathroom and made myself vomit. I did it both so I could drink more, and because I started having really loud self hatred thoughts so I needed to "punish" myself. I am a recovering self injurer, and many times drinking has driven me to cut.

After last night, I think it is best if, at least for the time being, I quit drinking. It might be forever. I at least need to be sober while I continue to work on myself and try to sort it all out.

I'm not sure why I feel the need to apologize for writing/posting this, but I'm sorry. I just needed to sort through my own thoughts about my decision.

[The Sleeper]

It sounds like a good decision to me as well. I can't think of why it would be a bad one. Do you think your friends will give you a hard time?

[Rosie]

Just remember alcohol is a DEPRESSANT it will always make you feel worse, please be kind to yourself and avoid the stuff! I have a problem with comfort eating and that makes me feel like crap too. I know how hard it is to stay away from something that you believe helps but ultimately these are the way we punish ourselves - me with food, you with alcohol. I really like walking and photography being in the countryside is so good for me, is there something you can do to help you break those old habits?

I wish you well with all my heart, big hugs from across the pond, Rosie

[heart]

For some reason, when I am out with friends and we're drinking, I feel like I have to "compete" and drink the most and that means I'm the "most fun"

Yeah I totally get that feeling. I need to be more! I need to be entertaining!. I'm 5'4 110 hahaha I get drunk off breezers

Its good to see you make such a strong decision to improve your life and yourself. I actually think I'll start today too! Best of luck! I'm rooting for you!

Don't apologize, say you're welcome, because I say thank you so much.

[in_media_res]

I just needed to sort through my own thoughts about my decision.

Good for you, congratulations.

Don't apologize. I think it's essential to understand why you're doing something, and be able to articulate the reasons. It's a useful tool in making behavioral changes.

I quit drinking two years ago. I came up with three reasons -- after over three decades of heavy drinking and binging, it was taking a toll on my body; it was damaging my relationship with my wife; and I was teaching my sons that the way to deal with stress, frustration, and disappointment was to get so numb you pass out. When the urge to have a drink comes on -- and it does -- I think about why I quit, and whether those reasons are still important to me. So far, they have been.

From what you describe, it sounds like a wise choice. Good luck, and may you find much strength in your decision.

[jenloiacono]

wow. thank you all so much for your support. I'm feeling even better about my decision today.

@TheSleeper: That's my biggest worry. while I have my husband and a couple close friends that i can talk openly to about the reasons, there are many that i do not feel like i can be open with. i do worry that they will give me a hard time, especially because of my age (25) and the activities that my peers are participating in.

@Rosie: That's my focus right now, finding a good outlet and something that will help me break my habits. right now I have crocheting and sewing that i am trying to focus on, as well as getting into an adult gymnastics class (I did gymnastics from age 3 to 18.)

@heart: i'm rooting for you too! thank you for the encouragement and reminding me i'm not alone.

@in_media_res: thank you, thank you, thank you. i needed to hear that i don't have to apologize, and that it's okay for me to work out my feelings in this setting. i hope that i can hold on to the reasons that i quit and remind myself with them when things get hard and i'm tempted.

[jenloiacono]

Oy. I have not had a drink since first posting about this.. but I guess starting this morning off with 4 times my morning dose of Klonopin and chasing it with dayquil sort of negates what I'm trying to do. Frak.

[in_media_res]

but I guess starting this morning off with 4 times my morning dose of Klonopin and chasing it with dayquil sort of negates what I'm trying to do.

I know how hard it can be, and I'm sorry you're struggling. Not sure I have any advice you probably haven't already thought of, but know there are people out here who support you and understand how difficult what you're trying to accomplish can be. That seems like a lot -- are you physically ok? Do you have any ideas on why you did this? Was there something particularly stressful, or that you were trying to avoid?

Have compassion for yourself. Remember that today's a new day, and you get another chance and can make new choices.

Good luck.

[jenloiacono]

thanks in_media_res. i'm dissapointed in myself, but you're right, today is a new day and i get to make new choices.

Physically I'm fine, 4 times my dose sounds like a lot, but my prescribed dose is pretty low (i'm a lightweight with everything, meds, booze, etc) so it really wasn't all that much. I'm embarassed to say that isn't the first time i've mixed my klonopin with dayquil to create a blissful sort of haze for myself during a stressful work day.

yesterday was particularly stressful because we just finished up a weekend full of events that consumed most of my time, and i knew i was behind on a million other things. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of disappointing my coworkers and feeling like a failure that i wasn't caught up and on top of everything. I know intellectually with my work load that it is almost impossible to be caught up, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling entirely inadequate from time to time.

that, on top of just waiting to hear about whether i will be offered this new job i've applied for, and everything just felt like too much, i had to slow it all down.

today is a better day though, and i'm trying to be more mindful and journal/employ breathing exercises when i start to feel that way.

[jenloiacono]

update: 1 month sober tomorrow and still going relatively strong. dealing with a lot of issues that have come to the surface since i stopped drinking, but i have been sober all month!