Mad in Maryland

[thundercleese5]

Hello, my lovelies.

I am John and among other things I am diagnosed as Bipolar II with PTSD. I am under a rainbow of medications. Like many of us, I came from a series of catastrophes, both exterior and self-inflicted. I often find it difficult to talk about them to other people, not because I am afraid of touching on those emotions but because I think that my history is tiresome to others - a litany of situations that becomes repetitive after a while. I think these series of experiences are useful to remember and I have gone over them again and again like a tongue touching the void of a missing tooth. However, I am afraid of getting to the point where my illnesses define me.

I also wonder how much environment contributes to insanity. A good part of my problem is biochemical, but there was a mad environment I was raised around. Again, undoubtedly this has happened to most of us on some level. I think that a good part of my problem is learned. It is a difficult thing to avoid - hating the people who contributed so much to this dangerous environment. They are over thirty years gone, some away and others dead. It is difficult to deal with when they are all alive and present in my head. It's even trippier to realize that everyone in my head is me.

Thanks for this forum. As all of us undoubtedly know, it is natural to feel utterly alone in this. As bad as my past has been, usually the cruelest voice I have ever heard is in my head.

I am days away from the delivery of our second child. I worry about my ability to be a father, but my wife assures me that if I didn't worry about this it would be unnatural. It is my wife's second child, my first. I have raised my wife's first daughter since she was five. She is fourteen now, a continuous joy to me, and balanced and mentally healthy in ways I cannot comprehend. I have tried my best to keep me from infecting her with my own problems. Of course, I have not been as successful as I wanted, but better than I expected. The only thing I can do is make sure she knows she is loved. I want to do the same with my new daughter.

One of the funny things to me is how long I thought that my reactions were average; that everyone has had a past like mine and that what was in my head was common and no big deal. It was a surprise to find out that my reactions were not normal, but at the same time I am not alone.

Thanks for the company.

[Murphy]

Welcome, John!

One of the funny things to me is how long I thought that my reactions were average; that everyone has had a past like mine and that what was in my head was common and no big deal. It was a surprise to find out that my reactions were not normal, but at the same time I am not alone.

It's a strange feeling when you realize that your "normal" isn't actually normal. "Oh, you mean everyone doesn't worry that their friends secretly don't like them? Oh..." But, like you said, there are a lot of us with non-normal normals.

Good luck with your daughters. You sound like a loving and caring father who's done a great job so far.

[The Sleeper]

Welcome John!

[imnotcrzee]

John!
Welcome! And congratulations on the baby!
you mentioned raising your wife's daughter from the age of 5 - which is so awesome.
0-5 is a whole new ballgame - you will be a good dad. But as we all do - you will make mistakes, you won't know what to do sometimes, your wife's hormones are going to go "crazy", and babies don't come with a manual. - AND THAT IS ALL OK.... it is.
Breathe, Love your baby and love yourself - nothing else will matter.
Good luck