My Shit

[Brian]

Hi there,
There is no way for me to comfortably start this. I have never really been a fan of posting my thoughts or feelings on the internet and sharing them with faces I couldn't see and definitely didn't know, so this is a first. I apologize for the awkward sticky-ness that this will be, I have never really put most of these thoughts into words with anyone other than a fellow friend of my who shares some of my perspective on things.

I feel like a failure most of the time, and I've only finished my first year of college. I'm 20 years old and I've been drawing my entire life. I have always preferred to be in my own world or in my sketchbook because I didn't understand people. I'm slowly understanding, but it is a long road.

I don't see myself as a suffering artist. Drawing is something I've used as a way to retract from reality and express my personal opinions. Drawing also happens to be very personal to me, and the only way I have expressed myself previously. I have no problem sharing my artwork because it seems to the only way I could share my problems. It's hard to explain, but just acknowledging the presence of a problem always made it seem better. I suppose thats what this post is.

I was a fat kid in public school, and felt like an outcast and an alien amongst almost everyone. I remember being picked on for my appearance and feeling sad because there was nothing I could immediately do about it. I still feel that way about things, I have a constant anxiety where I am pressuring myself to make better use of my time, while at the same time not doing anything because it will never reach the level that my expectations have set. This makes me feel like I'm trying to avoid doing things that I enjoy, by setting a standard so high. But if I lowered this 'standard' then it will not be what I have come to expect of myself, which is to say I'd rather do it all perfectly or not do any of it at all.

I did and do still have friends, but I constantly question the sincerity of my relationships with people. I'm constantly in my own head and find it difficult to have small-talk, because I'm usually just trying to deconstruct that person and pitying them for attempting something I find disdainful. I feel awful that part of me feels superior to some people because they don't think about the same things I do. I am constantly analyzing everything I do and think to the point where I just want to put on an audiobook or a podcast and fill my head with different thoughts.

I generally have a pretty negative view of my character and appearance, even though I am thin now and people tell me I'm a good guy. I look in the mirror and can't give myself a break because I know whats wrong with me and it's not something that can be solved ever, really, because I also realize that I need these problems or focuses to keep myself stimulated and going.

I have never had a suicidal thought and the only bad thing I can say about my family is that I don't think we view life in the same way, and therefore put importance on different things. When I was younger I thought the world was fucked up because no one understood me, or I didn't feel that connection with many people. I know that a lot of my past interactions with people have formed the way I view society as well as the world, and most of all my self, so now I KNOW the world is fucked up and I'm just trying to find a way to deal.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated

[BecomingKind]

Everyone thinks their childhood was fine and normal until they learn how appropriate parents should behave. Children learn their broken model of the world from their immediate environment, and then grow up to think there is something wrong with the world instead. The world, by definition, isn't fucked up.

You don't need to blame anyone, you just need to "demythologize" your family. You can still love them, but they failed on some level to make you into a self-accepting person. The point with recognizing this is so that you can detach from the experiences and feelings they created in you.

I think the constant analyzing is an involuntary instinct in people like us (assuming we are alike). The emotional brain was stunted in development, so you need something to direct you while it catches up. It's not all bad; think of blind people who develop better hearing. They don't need to feel guilty about it. The emotional brain needs to be stimulated somehow, if not in relationships or therapy, then in interactions or something else. The audio books and podcasts is a form of substitute for relationships, intimacy, real conversations, and so on.

Work on moving real life relationships into the sort of intimacy you get from the podcasts.

Be careful about negative thoughts when deconstructing people. At 20 you're not yet as clever as you think you are. The question that matters is; are you judging people or do you wish you could help them? Do you respect people more after you've "deconstructed" them or is it an excuse to dismiss them? Is it about recognizing the fear in others so you can accomodate for it, or so you can feel "bigger"?

Why do you find certain things "disdainful"? That seems like a bookmark for some trauma or something, and it's affecting you now by creating blockage between you and other people. Clear those feelings.

And so on ...

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Brian, welcome to the forum.

I have a constant anxiety where I am pressuring myself to make better use of my time, while at the same time not doing anything because it will never reach the level that my expectations have set. This makes me feel like I'm trying to avoid doing things that I enjoy, by setting a standard so high. But if I lowered this 'standard' then it will not be what I have come to expect of myself, which is to say I'd rather do it all perfectly or not do any of it at all.

I have this problem. I bounce between the two states: "I indulge myself in distraction and amusement that wastes my life" and "I hate myself for wasting time". The self-hate seems like the way to avoid wasting time, but actually the two are related, because the self-hatred makes me feel so bad, I welcome the distraction and cheap amusement.

I am working on rising above both, noticing both and knowing that one will always follow the other, and just having compassion for myself and letting myself focus on small successes and celebrating those small successes.