I Really Hate Myself

[justdom]

I'm realising I loathe myself. Not in that 'I hate the way my hair looks' way, but if I could divorce myself, I would in half a heartbeat

At first I thought that part of my problems revolved around me being a self saboteur-you know, doing enough to say I tried, but not following through lest I failed, or worse, succeeded. I've been doing more meditation work lately, and what's been opening up for me, in a really painful way, is that I'm angry with and at myself. I'm angry I couldn't protect myself from bullies when I was younger. I feel angry I had no way to fight back, that I couldn't assert myself. I'm angry for not doing what I wanted, and for following all of my parent's wishes without hearing my own. I feel angry for choosing jobs I hated. I even feel angry for where I live. I feel angry that I've never been in a relationship. I've been severely underemployed for the last year, and I feel angry that I've 'let' this happen-that all the careers advice I've ever learnt in a book has been useless. I have done a lot in spite of everything, but this part of me feels like an enraged kid, and doesn't care what's happening now, or what progress I'm making. I've messed up, I don't deserve anything good, so it'll make sure that doesn't happen.

Earlier, this would sound like the voices my parents, and I thought it was their criticism. But their voices are gone, and only this one remains-venomous, cruel, and seeking to kill. If it was a separate entity, I feel it would be only two happy to side with every negative experience, and yell at me 'I think your shit, and I've got these to back it up'. I feel ashamed to have these thoughts, but it's amazing that what I think of myself is 'You don't deserve anything. You're weak, pathetic. You never knew how to take care of me. You can never do that properly. See how no one likes you? It's because they know how terrible you are. You can't do that-people might think you're good at something.' My therapist and I started talking about rejection, and the fact that talking about it makes me uncomfortable. Mainly it's because I'm too busy rejecting myself, before anyone does. I better understand where my success drive comes from-if someone I can prove to myself that I don't suck, maybe I'll get a break or reprieve from the noise. If I can get someone to notice what I do, or to love me, then that'll show I'm worth something. But at the moment of slight difficulty;where things don't go the way I had planned; or where someone is actually shows some emotion towards me, this aspect shows up like a headless horsemen, with my long list of previous failings, ready to cut me down and sacrifice me.

Cognitively, However, I just really don't know why I hate myself so much. It feels like my self-relationship is permanently damaged, and it won't allow me to take any steps to try and fix it. I'm putting this out there partly because I hope maybe this feeling resonates with someone else, and evening if I don't believe it entirely, can reassure me that it won't be like this forever.

Dom

[fifthsonata]

Trust me. I understand this feeling. I really, REALLY do - it's part of the reason I have an eating disorder - to self-destruct. I feel I deserve the pain, the torture. That if the world wouldn't kill me now, I could help it speed up the process.


But, realistically, realize this - this isn't truly the entirety of who you are. You're taking out the shortcomings life has presented you and you're hating yourself for something you didn't have the cognitive capability of understanding at the time - youthful ignorance. It's from these experiences we learn and develop as a human being, but somewhere along the way, something caused you to associate these negative experiences with YOURSELF, to take the blame for things you couldn't control and can't control and see it as having happened because you're a bad person. You're not a bad person. You're just... a person.


But, perhaps, you're also afraid - afraid that if you try to let this go, and work to get beyond it and try to improve the situation for yourself, that you might fail (or that you might succeed). It sounds odd, to be scared of trying to make things better for yourself - but if you already hate yourself so much, if you were to try and fail it means your worst fears are true. Or, if you were to succeed? It means you did something right and that just feels so....foreign. Like "they" are out to get you, or it's some divine trick and you'll fall flat on your face afterward. Maybe, just maybe, it's the worst fear - to be shown, face to your own face, who you are and what you are capable of doing. That means work and more work. When that self-deprecating voice is being beaten down as you work to help your own mental state, you're left alone with just the person you are, minus the voice...and really, maybe it's just me, but that's the scariest one of all. Exposing yourself, flaws and strengths, is terrifying. It's easier to negotiate with yourself to settle for this misery, and while it makes you low and suicidal, it means you don't have to face up to yourself.


Now I'm going to relate even more - the past few years, I've gone from teaching college to working retail. I was a graduate assistant, former schoolteacher, on the "right track" to the career I wanted (and still want). My thesis approval was delayed and I couldn't take the job offers because I didn't have the official "graduated" status. I chose to trust and move in with someone that turned out to be a horrible mistake, and I've been alone and suicidally depressed the past 5 months. I feel, and have felt, incredibly worthless. The rugs keep getting shaken out from under me and I won't go into detail, but let's just say life knocked me down even fucking further.


I blamed it all on myself. All of it. If I had worked harder my thesis would've gotten approved sooner. If I had worked harder I could've gotten more job applications done and a better chance of approval. Everything you could think of. Yes, I still blame myself, but one thing I've learned out of all of this - and I'm going to credit Paul's podcast on this one - is the realization that I'm human and shit is going to happen to me. I'm getting better at talking to people and...."letting them in." At work I've been horribly closed off, sobbing in hidden places at work, and not talking to anyone, at all - and now I'm trying, and my coworkers have been....forgiving. Like I was never even alienating them. So maybe, right now, take a lesson from Paul - and ask for a little loving. Talk to people. When someone is genuinely happy to see you, when they enjoy your company, something about it helps deaden that inner voice of hatred. That if these people can still accept me, despite my obvious flaws, maybe I *am* more than I think of myself.


You ARE more than you think of yourself. Forgive yourself for things you couldn't control, and things you didn't know you could control - time gives us the knowledge to look into the past and see that we were ignorant to these events and how to handle them. It's why they were presented to us, so we COULD learn from them. You can't blame yourself for something you didn't know.


God, it's fucking scary to talk to people. It's worth it, though.


Or I could be completely off-base with this and rambling like a fool, but hey! I wouldn't be here if I didn't think the human race was worth it....and that includes you. Mistakes and all.

[BecomingKind]

Well said.

[jenloiacono]

wow fifthsonata, well said indeed. SO much of what you said resonates with me.

It sounds odd, to be scared of trying to make things better for yourself - but if you already hate yourself so much, if you were to try and fail it means your worst fears are true. Or, if you were to succeed? It means you did something right and that just feels so....foreign. Like "they" are out to get you, or it's some divine trick and you'll fall flat on your face afterward. Maybe, just maybe, it's the worst fear - to be shown, face to your own face, who you are and what you are capable of doing. That means work and more work.

This is my biggest struggle right now.

[justdom]

Fifthsonata,
Thanks so much for sharing that, and I really want to hug you for that. I went out yesterday to visit a friend, and he listened when I told him how frankly shitty I felt about myself, how I didn't know how I got here, and how ineffective at my life I felt. Both you-and Paul-are right; it didn't change my situation, but the very act of opening up seemed to make things less dark, and add a little hope to the situation. I wrote in my journal to myself that there's at least one person (and there's been others) that like me despite all my faults.
There is some truth in this internal rage-that I've not been great at taking care of myself in the sense of assertiveness and care. Growing up in a dysfunctional household, I was told that I shouldn't be selfish, and that setting an example was more important that what I wanted for myself. Consequently I spent a lot of time and energy buying affections, and I think there's that part of me that's asking 'What was the point of that?' when I see where I am now. You're right in that I'm afraid that embarking on the work I'm currently doing may result in more 'failure', and I'll be a disappointment to myself again. I have been making some positive steps, but sometimes it does feel like I'm dealing with a very abusive inner parent-which I suppose makes sense given my family of origin.

[fifthsonata]

That is fantastic! That takes huge balls my friend, HUGE balls. It definitely doesn't solve the problem but it helps to know there's someone out there who can help when you need it.


Reading your last paragraph, I see two things - an individual struggling with a sense of self-value and possibly self-esteem. Correct me if I'm wrong, I only say that because I see myself in your writing. Though, you can't blame yourself, totally - you're placing fault on yourself for something you didn't learn as a child. You were degraded when you made choices that were in your best interest, so you stopped in order to get away from that degradation. We all have to be selfish from time to time, and as we age we learn when it's appropriate and when it's not - you didn't get the chance to learn that, so instead it's NOTHING for you, and everything for everyone else.


This, I really understand as well - I never learned how to ask for help. I won't go into detail because I don't want to turn it around on me, but let's just say I learned by example, too. As one of Paul's guests said (I can't remember which one), she said she thought of it in this way - that her parents did the best they could at the time, the only way they knew, and along the way she wasn't given the tools she needs to grow in her life. So, she got help and thought of it as just doing a little backtracking to pick up the tools she missed out on. I loved that thought because it's so objective - she was able to forgive her past, herself, and see it as a thing she has to do to survive her present life.


The seemingly small step you took by opening up to your friend - that's actually a huge step. It sounds like you could benefit from a support group or counseling to learn HOW to be assertive, how to both help yourself and be caring for others. Rebuilding that sense of confidence, because life has just beaten the fuck out of you and a little pick-up would be monumental - that fear of failure sort of...subsides when you rebuild that sense of self. That, and having objective viewpoints on your thoughts and life events is always beneficial - when they have nothing to gain/lose by offering you advice or care, their words seem more....genuine. No paranoia about ulterior motives .

[justdom]

You're spot-on. I was marginalised growing up, and it felt like what I want, thought, or felt didn't matter to the adults of my life. I was constantly told I was being too sensitive or shouldn't feel that way. What feels confusing was that so often I couldn't hang out with the other kids because I was supposed to set an example, but it didn't mean that the adults wanted to spend anymore time with me either. So what I learned to do was to either fix things myself, or 'dial myself down' so to avoid further criticism. I do like the sentiment though of backtracking and picking up some tools that I need now for the present.

I think I'm a third of the way through my sessions with my therapist, but it would be interesting to see what it'd be like to do some group work, and maybe learning out to play and negotiate in a safe environment. There's part of me that feels awkward throwing my work-in-progress self onto unsuspecting people to try and forge new relationships.

[fifthsonata]

Wow! You're definitely not giving yourself credit when it's due - seriously - you seem to be a lot further along than many of us here (including myself). The fact that you're in therapy right now, that's something I haven't been able to do again. I had horrible experiences with it in the past, so it's added to my fear list.


You've got a lot going on - you're getting help, you seem VERY receptive to getting help and talking to others, and the fact that you're in therapy now means you're willing to accept help and want to work on it. That is something you should be so proud of. You're talking, you're working - small steps. It won't all change at once, but the fact you're doing something means it will get better.


I have so much respect for you, I really do - you've verbalized issues, you're talking to people, and you're willing to ask for/receive support. When I encounter people who can do that, it just blows me away.

[fifthsonata]

By the way - have you thought about printing this off and taking it to your therapist? It might be a good catalyst for conversation or ideas.

[justdom]

I have actually, and part of the reason for writing this was to try and capture how I'm feeling and maybe bring that to my next session. I've noticed that, even though I know he's there to help me out, when my therapist asks me how I'm feeling, I become very cerebral, and filter my feelings through my thoughts, and at times it feels like I'm giving a status report on my week.