I'm glad you can think about leaving them at home at least. I'm interested to hear more.Yeah, you're probably right. Yesterday turned out to be a difficult day, although good in the end. But I actually managed to get to a place emotionally where I can contemplate leaving them in the medicine cabinet rather than carting them around. First time in ten weeks. Tossing them may have to wait for another day. But that's another thread.
It seems like I find out another way I'm fucked up with communication and relationships at least weekly. This is definitely a huge factor for me, and I'm still uncovering more and more. Just today I had a bit of an epiphany about how I carry myself/my demeanor. I am a small person but can be intimidating, and I've heard people tell me they were "scared" of me for years. One woman used the word "shocked" to describe my demeanor. And I always thought it was ludicrous because I think I'm a nice person, and all I'm doing is usually just trying to do my best. But there you go. A million things like this can cause problems without us knowing if we don't have insight into them.Therapy is important. Hard to write about right now, as I have had some setbacks in that regard that I'm trying to mend. But if your depression stems from how you approach people and the world, I think that's the only way to pick those sorts of issues apart and get past them. This is my biggest criticism of meds (and in particular, with my former psychiatrist) - that somehow taking a pill is going to help undo the situations that have led to pain and fear. That's probably all I can say right now.
I agree that therapy is important, but I am also frustrated in the process. I want to live my life to some reasonably pleasant standard, not spend the whole thing trying to get better. I need a basic quality of life, you know?
Also, just this week I had an incredibly horrible therapy session that kind of made me step back and question the whole process. What does this woman really know, anyway? Some of the time I can tell she's winging it. Do I need someone more knowledgeable? I don't want to minimize the problems of anyone else, but at the same time I have a number of debilitating issues that need pretty focused attention. I'm not having problems with my relationships, I'm having problems allowing for the possibility of relationships, period. Like, the foundations aren't even there for me, so maybe I need someone more experienced with my particular malfunction(s).
I find Buddhism interesting, too. I think I'm gonna dig out my book again and try and let some more sink in. I am incredibly skeptical about religion, so this is a huge challenge for me.Mindfulness does come from Buddhism. I find the religion itself interesting, although I know next to nothing about it. I'm probably more of a student of buddhist psychology than buddhism, if that makes any sense. I'd like to learn more -- spirituality is an area that's not seen a lot of focus from me, and I think it would be helpful.
I've been able to use mindfulness to help improve how I relate to other people. My upbringing saw a lot of uncertainty. People I care for very deeply, and looked to for support, behaved in unpredictable and often frightening ways. All of that laid down a foundation of fear - you can never be sure how people are going to react to you. Over time, that fear grew to be a defining characteristic of all my relationships. (Paradoxically, the more important the relationship, the worse the fear.) I'd spend huge amounts of time trying to analyze how somebody would react and what they might say or do, was always on the watch to try and gauge how someone was reacting and guessing what they were thinking, trying to figure out how I should respond, what their reaction meant for me, and so on, and so on, and so on. As is probably obvious, it didn't leave a lot of actual time for communication...not to mention coming off as distant, and controlling, and a bit manipulative at times. With mindfulness, I've been able to break some of that behavior. To just sit and listen, and take in what somebody is saying, and then react has been a huge help.
I've also done a lot of work with meditations on forgiveness, acceptance, and letting go. There's a lot of stuff I've drug around for a very long time. And having a structured way to set some of that down has been necessary for me.
I have, however, seen pretty great improvements with mindfulness practice, even the small bits I've done.
I think our upbringings were fairly similar. I can definitely relate to what you're saying, anyway. I am paralyzed by the mere idea of intimacy. And I do that running through scenarios thing, too. My therapist calls it hypervigilance.
Exercise definitely can help! I've managed at times to turn it into a punishment for myself, but I need to get back into it in a different mindset because it's a necessity for body and mind. On the same note as the acceptance thing, when I was struggling with weight, and developing an eating disorder, my friend's mother asked me why I was measuring out all of my portions and denying myself nutrition. She asked if I would do that to a child. That really takes you out of the hateful mind when you project your actions toward yourself onto a child. It's a good tool to use. So if you find yourself beating yourself up about the weight, just think if you would ever let someone beat up verbally on a kid like that and know that you're just as valuable and vulnerable and try and give yourself a break.Exercise and nutrition have been doubly important for me...as I mentioned earlier on, while on meds I gained a huge amount of weight. The extra weight fueled an already poor vision of myself. Over a couple of years, I've managed to lose 90 pounds. I feel much better, physically and emotionally, and feel better about myself. A lot of what I read talks about the importance of accepting yourself as you are, but I'll confess that's one thing I've been happy to be able to change. I think it has more practical uses as well - on days when I'm struggling, going and working out can (but doesn't always) help me get out of my head, and it does help my mood.
Thanks for your thoughtful response! I hope you are well!