I Really Hate Myself
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fifthsonata
- Posts: 291
- Joined: April 30th, 2012, 6:45 am
Re: I Really Hate Myself
how's it been going for you?
Re: I Really Hate Myself
Hey fifth,
Thanks for checking back. I'm not sure, to be honest. I shared what I wrote with my therapist,and that opened up a discussion about rejection (Long story short, he needed to take a sabbatical just when I was getting comfortable talking with him, and feels that I'm 'holding back' on him because of that). I took my final exam for my degree on Monday, and am now feeling very much in this state of 'I don't know'. I thought I'd spend time working on design and writing, do something different, but I am aware that I'm not comfortable with myself, like I only show people the good features of me lest they don't like me. I know it stems from feeling I wasn't liked at home, so somehow if I can get people to like me, that'll be safe. Sorry if this is incoherent, but like I said, I'm still trying to figure how it got there, and also just hanging out with it.
Thanks for checking back. I'm not sure, to be honest. I shared what I wrote with my therapist,and that opened up a discussion about rejection (Long story short, he needed to take a sabbatical just when I was getting comfortable talking with him, and feels that I'm 'holding back' on him because of that). I took my final exam for my degree on Monday, and am now feeling very much in this state of 'I don't know'. I thought I'd spend time working on design and writing, do something different, but I am aware that I'm not comfortable with myself, like I only show people the good features of me lest they don't like me. I know it stems from feeling I wasn't liked at home, so somehow if I can get people to like me, that'll be safe. Sorry if this is incoherent, but like I said, I'm still trying to figure how it got there, and also just hanging out with it.
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fifthsonata
- Posts: 291
- Joined: April 30th, 2012, 6:45 am
Re: I Really Hate Myself
Oh, that I relate to, lol - after my thesis was finally approved I had no idea what to do with myself. Suddenly I had free time....not good when you're depressed, not at all...
....interesting analogy, I hadn't thought about just "hanging out" with troubles. The great part is, though, that you recognize what's going on and have an idea of what you should address. Are you holding back on your therapist? That sabbatical just as you're opening some doors can be a setback, you have to rebuild the trust that was lost through the time apart - that's natural.
Anyway, glad to see you're trying and talking
....interesting analogy, I hadn't thought about just "hanging out" with troubles. The great part is, though, that you recognize what's going on and have an idea of what you should address. Are you holding back on your therapist? That sabbatical just as you're opening some doors can be a setback, you have to rebuild the trust that was lost through the time apart - that's natural.
Anyway, glad to see you're trying and talking
Re: I Really Hate Myself
Thing is, I dunno if I'm holding back. I can only assume I am, but sometimes, I have to say I honestly don't know. It feels like just when I think I've gotten to the bottom of my issues, there's yet another trapdoor for me to open up and explore. For example, I met up with a charity I wanted to volunteer for, and they invited me out, which was nice. I was socialising, and I found myself aware that I'm not really comfortable with myself, like I can only show my good side. At the moment all I can do is 'That goes in the book for Thursday'.
Sometimes this does feel like Pandora's Box, and I'd like to know when I'm gonna get to the bottom.
Sometimes this does feel like Pandora's Box, and I'd like to know when I'm gonna get to the bottom.
Re: I Really Hate Myself
justdom,
It sound like your therapy is helping, the difference between your last post compared to your first is striking. I don't think you
ever figure out life completely. In my case I think the journey is more important than the destination.
It sound like your therapy is helping, the difference between your last post compared to your first is striking. I don't think you
ever figure out life completely. In my case I think the journey is more important than the destination.
Re: I Really Hate Myself
Thanks jessy,
I want to feel and believe that-I really do, and I intellectually know that it's true, but quite frankly, all this self-discovery sucks. I feel like I'm coming to the heart of some stuff where I'm basically struggling to accept myself for me,and instead of being relieved, it feels like I've pulled off the bandage to find a gaping wound. I'd just like the journey to be a little pleasant. Sometimes.
I want to feel and believe that-I really do, and I intellectually know that it's true, but quite frankly, all this self-discovery sucks. I feel like I'm coming to the heart of some stuff where I'm basically struggling to accept myself for me,and instead of being relieved, it feels like I've pulled off the bandage to find a gaping wound. I'd just like the journey to be a little pleasant. Sometimes.