Hi

[JBR]

Hi Everyone,

I am so greatful I have this podcast and forum to listen to and read.

I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I've been in therapy for over a year and feel I've come a long way. Although, my anxiety has recently come on strong again. I feel like I'm going nowhere in life, I'm in my late 20s, have a job I hate, I've been in school part-time for so long but I have no idea what I want to major in. Everyone always says do what you love, but I don't think I love anything that much... I feel like I have no passions in life.

I have a boyfriend who is extremely supportive, but I am constantly sabotaging the relationship with my insecurities and low self-esteem. I currently do not talk with anyone in my family which only consists of 3 people because of old truamas they want to just sweep under the rug and forget. They seem perfectly fine without me. Some days I feel so crazy and out of control it is hard to breath. I feel so hopeless of ever being happy and ok with who I am.
Does anyone else feel like this????

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello, JBR! Welcome to the forum!

Some days I feel so crazy and out of control it is hard to breath. I feel so hopeless of ever being happy and ok with who I am.

After doing pretty good for many years, this feeling is creeping up on me again. I am trying to use Buddhist mindfulness to give myself compassion, patience, perspective, peace, forgiveness, understanding, tolerance, acceptance.

I also had to throw away the part of my identity tied to egoistic grandiosity, too darn damaging. That is good, but it left a hole in my identity.

Please take care, JBR, finding your passion feels hard right now, maybe that is a sign for you to take a chance to feel compassion for yourself first. I am all messed up, so I can only give lousy advice, so I hope somebody better comes along in this thread with better advice. -----

Happily, this board is full to bursting with warm caring helpful people.

All the best, take care, we here are all cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[JBR]

Thank you for your kind words manuel_moe_g.

[The Sleeper]

Welcome to the board! I definitely relate to much of what you describe. My depression and anxiety ebbs and flows, and each time there is a downturn it's hard to remember that things were ever good. It seems as if it always has been and will always be this way. I also don't really have one thing that I love strongly enough to pursue and wonder what to do with myself.

I have also attempted to sabotage my wonderful relationship because of my low self esteem and need for attention from every male who crosses my path.

Are you somewhat interested in many things instead of being intensely focused on one interest? There is a book called The Renaissance Soul: Life Design for People with Too Many Passions by Margaret Lobenstine and it is a very interesting read. I read it when I wasn't feeling particularily passionate about anything so I couldn't relate to it entirely, but it does have some helpful ideas. It talks about a spectrum of human interest. On one end is Mozart. He loved music when he was a child and that was all he ever did until he died. At the other end is Benjamin Franklin who did many different things: inventing, writing, publishing etc. It's ok to be like Mozart, and it's ok to be like Benjamin Franklin, and it's ok to be somewhere in the middle.

Well sorry if that doesn't apply to you, I'll just post it anyways in case it does.

[JBR]

Wow, The Sleeper, your post is extremley helpful! I never thought of passion that way and I will check out that book. Ugh, it is so nice to know others feel this way. Thank you so much!

[LaiLaiGirl]

Hi JBR,

I know how you feel about not having a passion for things and sabotaging your relationship with your boyfriend.

I know a lot of people who are working in the field that they are interested in/majored in in college. I know someone who majored in TV/Film production. Her first major job was working at Nickelodeon. She took me on a tour once, and boy did that make me feel like shit about what I was doing (or not doing). Everyone seemed so happy and bubbly.

Guess where she's working now? Disney Animation. I envy her a lot, not only because she works at some pretty cool places, but she's pretty and upbeat -- everything I'm not! I do have a passion -- writing -- and started my blog. I have subtitled it as a blog about "nothing and everything" because I cannot pinpoint what exactly I like to write about.

And my boyfriend... Sometimes I just wish he'd leave me because I feel like I am dragging him down with me. I feel sorry that he's my sole provider, since I don't have much contact with my parents and siblings (all other relatives who live nearby are pretty non-existent to me).

So, you're definitely not alone. Do you have any addictions (good ones, that is)? Sometimes I find myself getting caught up in Pinterest. It lifts my mood sometimes because it causes lightbulbs to turn on in my head or sometimes just makes me laugh.

Hope this pointless post hasn't bored you. If so, I apologize in advance.

[diaz]

Hi JBR,

I definitely know what you are going through - especially about not knowing what you want to do in life. I'm 30 and I am just now figuring out what I want to do...or at least what I think I want to do.

Here are some pointers/realizations that have helped me:
First of all, there may not be one magical thing you are "meant do do," or that you are super passionate about. Just try to find something that doesn't suck, and go from there. If that thing doesn't work out, move on to something else. Eventually you will find something. It may not be a dream job or the answer to all your problems, but if you don't mind doing it and it gets you out of your head and pays the bills, is that so bad? Your occupation may not necessarily be your passion or what your life revolves around. It isn't for most people, and you can definitely find happiness and fulfillment in life even if you aren't super passionate about your job. And also it's not like you'll be stuck with whatever job you choose for the rest of your life. You can ALWAYS change and try something else. I know I used to catastrophize and get overwhelmed thinking about all the pros and cons of certain professions, and subconsciously I kept thinking that it was like I had to make one monumental decision about what I would do, and that would be it for the rest of my life. NOT SO. You try things and if they don't work out, so what? You learn and develop as a person just as much (if not more) through trial and error. Life is in the searching more than the solutions.

The biggest hurdles preventing me from discovering what I want to do with my life was that I didn't know myself, and that my relationship with myself was terrible. I was such a relentless asshole to myself, but I didn't realize it because it was the way I had always been. The slave-driving, critical voice in my head was in complete control. It took lots of therapy before I was able to turn down the volume of my inner critic and begin to have compassion for myself, and having compassion for yourself is essential if you are going to find peace and move forward in life.
With time you will learn to recognize when that pessimistic, critical recording in your head starts playing, and when it does, hit the "pause button" and try to reassess the situation and think more optimistically and realistically about whatever you are worrying about. It took me a while to be able to do this, but it has helped me a great deal. It stops your mind from spiraling down into that overwhelming abyss of negativity.

Give yourself credit for every positive or constructive step you take. Even if it's just getting out of bed or looking something up online. Those things matter and are the building blocks of success. Try to focus on the things you did accomplish, rather than what you didn't. Slow and steady wins the race. One little thing adds to another, and before you know it you have accomplished something great.

I hope this helps. I know it has for me.

-D

[JBR]

Thank you so much LaiLaiGirl and Diaz. It really makes me feel good to know there are others out there and your advice seems more genuine then the people in my life I deal with on a daily basis. I feel like none of them can relate and know how I feel. Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

LaiLaiGirl, Yes I do have a healthy addiction, I love reading food blogs! For whatever reason it uplifts me like Pintrest does to you.

Diaz- I think I am definitely in need of self compassion. I am my own worst critic. It is so hard to be positive about anything I do. It is just always the same feeling... I'm not good enough. I will have to work on this a lot more!

[diaz]

It took me forever to start being compassionate toward myself, but once I did it made a huge difference!
It started when I was talking to my therapist about things my father did to me when I was a child, and of course my inner critic was piping in, telling me that I was just being a pussy about what happened, and that I just need to man up, etc, etc. My therapist asked me, "Is that what you would say to the 8-year-old little boy who just got smacked around and humiliated by his father in public? Would you call him a "pussy" and tell him to "man up"?"

Once I started looking at it that way, it really helped. If you could travel back in time, how would you talk to yourself when you were a child who had just experienced trauma?

[Paul Gilmartin]

JBR,
Welcome to the forum. As you can see from all the heartfelt replies you are not alone. I am currently in a funk of funks. NO passion for anything. Flat as Nebraska. Thank God my wife understands. So I take lots of naps. I do what I can. I do whatever exercise I can stand (hockey). I play Words With Friends and I talk about it, so it doesn't get pent up. I think it's really important to have a variety of people to connect to so we don't put too much pressure on a single person. I think of Marc Maron's joke about people he confides in: I got the main guy and then the guy after I've drained the main guy.

Paul