Thank you for your honesty. I will be begging my husband to listen. becauase we suffer in a sexless marriage - but it's different. I'm the one that wants sex and he's the one that's shut down. I just know if he lets himself, he'll totally relate to everything you said.
We've been married 10 years this march. and we've had sex 1x in the last 7 years. And I am hurt, and rejected, and angry, and self-hating, and alone, and giving up. We even adopted because I finally realized that we'd never have sex so I"d never get pregnant. I lied to everyone we know saying that I was medically unable to have children when we announced we were to adopt. I'd rather people think that I"m medically broken than they know that my husband won't/can't/doesn't have sex with me.
so, thank you for your story. I hope it will help him. I am interested in hearing from your husband. Or from other spouses of people who don't have sex. And I'd love to know I"m not the only woman in this situation. It feels like I am.
Listener Lily
Re: Listener Lily
Hi sisterkismet,
Your post made me want to register for the forum so that I could reply, because I also related to so much of this episode. I really feel for you and wanted to send you my empathy. My relationship is not the same as yours, my boyfriend and I do have sex, but I still feel like I can relate to the longing you express because I feel a painful lack of intimacy in my relationship. My boyfriend seems to be more comfortable and even seems to prefer masturbating and sexual fantasy to having sex with me. I've gone through an enormous amount of insecurity, self doubt, anger, resentment and anxiety over it, feeling like I'm not sexy enough, not horny enough, not beautiful enough, not raunchy enough, whatever I thought it was that he needed. It took me a long time to even start to wonder what it was in him that was preventing him from what I thought of as normal intimacy. When we have sex, I often feel like we're just going through the motions, and like Paul described of his past experience, it feels like there is a lot of falseness that makes it uncomfortable to initiate it. I also wanted to beg my boyfriend to listen to this episode, but I haven't asked him yet. If your husband does listen to it, I would love to know how he responds and if it helps you.
It was also heartbreaking to me to read that you lied about your reasons for adopting, because again, although my experience is very different, I feel that same sense of isolation from not being able to talk about this with friends and family. Sex-related issues are just not the kind of thing to discuss at the dinner table, you know? I've held so much of this in because I don't want to betray my boyfriend's trust or share intimate details that would embarrass him, but sometimes I feel so bottled up that I just want to blurt it out anyway. Secrets are so exhausting and so isolating. I wish I could offer more helpful advice, but I at least wanted to say that I feel for you and hope that others in your situation respond. I know you're not alone.
Your post made me want to register for the forum so that I could reply, because I also related to so much of this episode. I really feel for you and wanted to send you my empathy. My relationship is not the same as yours, my boyfriend and I do have sex, but I still feel like I can relate to the longing you express because I feel a painful lack of intimacy in my relationship. My boyfriend seems to be more comfortable and even seems to prefer masturbating and sexual fantasy to having sex with me. I've gone through an enormous amount of insecurity, self doubt, anger, resentment and anxiety over it, feeling like I'm not sexy enough, not horny enough, not beautiful enough, not raunchy enough, whatever I thought it was that he needed. It took me a long time to even start to wonder what it was in him that was preventing him from what I thought of as normal intimacy. When we have sex, I often feel like we're just going through the motions, and like Paul described of his past experience, it feels like there is a lot of falseness that makes it uncomfortable to initiate it. I also wanted to beg my boyfriend to listen to this episode, but I haven't asked him yet. If your husband does listen to it, I would love to know how he responds and if it helps you.
It was also heartbreaking to me to read that you lied about your reasons for adopting, because again, although my experience is very different, I feel that same sense of isolation from not being able to talk about this with friends and family. Sex-related issues are just not the kind of thing to discuss at the dinner table, you know? I've held so much of this in because I don't want to betray my boyfriend's trust or share intimate details that would embarrass him, but sometimes I feel so bottled up that I just want to blurt it out anyway. Secrets are so exhausting and so isolating. I wish I could offer more helpful advice, but I at least wanted to say that I feel for you and hope that others in your situation respond. I know you're not alone.
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Listener Lily
- Posts: 1
- Joined: July 25th, 2012, 3:01 pm
Re: Listener Lily
Hi sisterkismet,
I'm so happy that you liked the episode of the podcast I was on! I didn't plan to focus so much on sex but I went in just planning on being honest and that's what came out. It's been such a weird, hard journey and I feel like I'm not to the other side yet. You are definitely not the only woman in your situation. When I confided in my girlfriends more often than not it was them that was wanting sex and their husbands/boyfriends that were shut down or having trouble initiating sex. One of my best friend's husband saw a sex therapist and after hearing about their experience and the improvement they saw in their sex life, I finally got up the courage to do that myself. I think it's way more common than we realize. As for my husband, I know that while the sex is important to him, what he is/was really missing is the intimacy. The hugging, cuddling, etc. Are you and your husband physically close in a non-sexual way? For me, I was (and still am a little bit) so closed off and uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes that I can't relax and hug or cuddle. I'm working on it. Like sapphire, I wish I had something more helpful to say besides that I feel for you and know that you are not alone:)
I'm so happy that you liked the episode of the podcast I was on! I didn't plan to focus so much on sex but I went in just planning on being honest and that's what came out. It's been such a weird, hard journey and I feel like I'm not to the other side yet. You are definitely not the only woman in your situation. When I confided in my girlfriends more often than not it was them that was wanting sex and their husbands/boyfriends that were shut down or having trouble initiating sex. One of my best friend's husband saw a sex therapist and after hearing about their experience and the improvement they saw in their sex life, I finally got up the courage to do that myself. I think it's way more common than we realize. As for my husband, I know that while the sex is important to him, what he is/was really missing is the intimacy. The hugging, cuddling, etc. Are you and your husband physically close in a non-sexual way? For me, I was (and still am a little bit) so closed off and uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes that I can't relax and hug or cuddle. I'm working on it. Like sapphire, I wish I had something more helpful to say besides that I feel for you and know that you are not alone:)
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Paul Gilmartin
- Posts: 363
- Joined: March 22nd, 2011, 9:54 pm
- Gender: male
- Issues: Depression, Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, Incest Survivor
- preferred pronoun: He
- Location: Los Angeles
- Contact:
Re: Listener Lily
Wow. I'm SO glad you are all talking about this taboo subject.
Lily, I can't thank you enough for getting the ball rolling with this painful topic. Is there anything harder to look at than a sexless or a sexually incompatible marriage?
I really think it's a direct result of sweeping issues under the rug, whether they be from inside the marriage or things we experienced prior to it.
Paul
Lily, I can't thank you enough for getting the ball rolling with this painful topic. Is there anything harder to look at than a sexless or a sexually incompatible marriage?
I really think it's a direct result of sweeping issues under the rug, whether they be from inside the marriage or things we experienced prior to it.
Paul
http://mentalpod.comNothing degrades the quality of my life like obsessing about the quality of my life.
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Tyler Durden
- Posts: 13
- Joined: August 17th, 2012, 6:23 pm
Re: Listener Lily
Really enjoyed the podcast. My wife and I haven't had sex in years. I have major issues with intimacy. I'd rather get stuck in the knife in the arm that cuddle or get intimate with my wife or anyone for that matter. I don't know why I am the way I am, but it's really frustrating. The few people I've talked to about this just look at me like I'm crazy, maybe I am. Good to know that there are others out there who struggle with this and are finding their way through it. Thanks.
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Monochrome
- Posts: 2
- Joined: August 20th, 2012, 6:07 pm
Re: Listener Lily
As a person with some intimacy issues myself (meaning that I've largely avoided relationships), I think the thing that strikes my curiosity is how your issues started (I'm assuming, of course, not knowing any details) sprouting up after you'd married.Tyler Durden: My wife and I haven't had sex in years. I have major issues with intimacy. I'd rather get stuck in the knife in the arm that cuddle or get intimate with my wife or anyone for that matter. I don't know why I am the way I am, but it's really frustrating. The few people I've talked to about this just look at me like I'm crazy, maybe I am.
I don't want to dig you for personal details, I'm just wondering if you think they're mostly based in something specific like a fear of disappointment, and/or if it was triggered by other things happening in or outside your marriage. Of course, there's always the complete confusion answer! I'm just looking for any insight you think you might have.