anorexia, bulimia, BED

[fifthsonata]

LOL, damn, I guess I'm the freak of the board,

[manuel_moe_g]

Not really an eating disorder - I am too fat, risking liver damage and diabetes. But I love food too much - it gives me shivers thinking about what gastric bypass would entail.

I was too skinny growing up, so I think subconsciously that I like my fatter self better. I hated myself when I saw my skinny face in the mirror, when I was a boy.

[fifthsonata]

To be honest, I think our society has "normalized" overeating when that in and of itself is a form of disordered eating. That makes it harder for people who binge eat receive adequate treatment due to stigma...

...anyway, thanks for at least coming to visit the thread and make me feel less alone, lol

[weary]

I've been rethinking my relationship with food a lot recently. My wife and I both enjoy cooking and eating out. It has always been one of our favorite activities, and we have both had struggles with weight. I'm not morbidly obese, but I've been struggling to lose weight for about five years now, and frequently get frustrated when I can't. I literally feel like the difference between eating really healthy, counting calories, and running 12 miles a week and not exercising at all for weeks at a time and eating pizza and burgers and drinking soda is about 10-15 pounds - the same 10-15 pounds back and forth for the last five years. No matter how "good" I am, I can't crack through that floor.

Basically, I am an emotional eater. I don't often overeat to excess, but food (or sweet beverages) are some of the few things that reliably make me feel calmer/happier. Comfort food, literally. I know that it doesn't stack up to something like anorexia or bulimia as far as being a bona fide eating disorder, but I have realized that it really permeates my relationship with food and impacts a lot of decisions that I make and affects my self-esteem (along with other things about taking my physical well-being seriously like my frequency of exercise/sleep). My stress has been off the charts for the past two years overall, but I can look at my weight chart on the Wii Fit and follow the peaks and valleys and relate that directly to intense periods of stress.

[Kittieface]

Hi, it's my first post and a few things are brewing inside me.

I have suffered from depression and panic attacks. And having been diagnosed with both, I stopped the search there. I thought that was what needed to be treated and I would be fine afterward. But what I've learned over the years with mental Illnesses is that it rarely ever is that simple and clean cut. One diagnosis tends to lead to another, and so on and so forth. In my case, I had anxiety and insomnia because of a depression, and a depression because of anxiety and insomnia. A possibility of narcolepsy which was either the cause of or caused by the above.

I recently fell back into a depression and for a short period was on Cipralex (aka Lexapro) which led me to gain weight between the meds and the depression itself. Though I'm in better spirits, the issue I'm dealing with the most right now is undoubtedly my weight. My moods appear better, and my panic attacks are under control.
But the self-abuse I put myself through over my weight is appalling.

I searched the forums for other post about eating disorders and I came to this one. Were two of the three people posting down played their over eating because it wasn't anorexia or bulimia. I'm not here to say one is worse than the other, but an eating disorder is an eating disorder, and they all need to be treated with as much educating and love and acceptance as possible.

As fifthsonata said, "our society has "normalized" overeating when that in and of itself is a form of disordered eating. That makes it harder for people who binge eat receive adequate treatment due to stigma..."

I have one person I feel I can talk to about my eating disorder and she'll understand and not roll her eyes, or sigh. One person who I can ACTUALLY say I have a problem to and know that an understanding response will come next. She's in my family, but our eating disorders go too ways. She under eats and I over eat. Somehow, even with it's done with the best intention, the worst thing I can hear is, "DON'T SAY THAT ABOUT YOURSELF. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL." That should help, a confirmation that someone finds me attractive. But the issue is not with how others see me. It's with how I see myself. I'm not huge or morbidly obese. It doesn't have to get to a point where you can't walk to be an issue. When it becomes dangerous is the thought patterns that are attached to it.

Some people love to eat and they very confidently over eat, and see their bodies and are proud! The whole big girl movement, for example. Some women LOVE being the size they are and they're proud of their curves. And that's FANTASTIC! I only wish I had the acceptance they do. But when I see myself, despite my constant efforts to be positive, the thoughts are very abusive.
I disgust myself. I've put on nearly 40 lbs in the last year, and I no longer have my "cute little face", and my defined jawline. I have a round face and a muffin top. My shirts don't button, and most tshirts have become too short, if I can even fit into them. When I see pictures of myself I recoil. When I am working out and I have difficulty I lash out at myself like a boot camp officer.

I've literally had to take time outs at the gym. I had to stop myself before I thought something that was going to be a whole mess of work to reverse. I become obsessed, not so much with the skinny super model types, but with women who are in shape. I want to be them. I want to do a pull up. I want to be able to climb a tree. And bend forward without feeling my stomach. I want to wear jeans without having the button or belt digging into me. And then I see myself, and strangely enough all I want to do is eat.

I see how unattractive I feel, and I want to run to comfort food. I'm not ok with it. I don't agree with it. It's almost like I feel like a parent watching her child make the wrong choice. You know better, but you need them to see it on their own time. Somewhere in my brain, I don't see it yet. So, like any good parent, I'll keep repeating myself with as much love in the intention as possible, until that moment where it clicks. But when it gets past my efforts to contain it, it just hurts. And it makes me really sad. It makes me really sad to know that I think about myself that way. That I can't find what happened to set this off.
Was it my childhood, was it tv, was it everything? Is it just me? What did it, where does it come from?

I have to continue looking at myself an reaffirming that it is ok that I'm a little over weight. I'm working on it, and I'm still a beautiful, smart, and wonderful person. 35-40 lbs doesn't change who I am, or how powerful I am to make changes in my life.

It's important that people know this. Don't downplay your situation. We need to get together and take down this stigma on Mental Illness. It's holding us back, and all those people who are too ashamed to come forward and get the help they need. We need to combine our bits of information and experience confidently and be the catalysts for other to come forth and care for themselves!

I started seeking out things like this forum when I realized that I can't just talk to the everyday person about my situation. Most people make me feel like a badly trained dog. They just don't have the connection as to where these emotions are coming from. The biggest strength for us to get through this is to come together and actually support each other.

I hope people will be more willing to share their stories and work together

[New Leaf]

I feel a lot like you. I especially relate to having a lot of clothes that don't fit properly but my financial focus needs to be academics and I'm afraid i'll give myself an excuse to keep gaining weight if I have clothes that fit my new body. I do a lot of cardio and I'm pretty obsessed with exercise to the point that it hurts relationships because I put exercise first. Lately I can only find relief from hating my body during yoga. If you search on google or youtube you can find free videos online.

[New Leaf]

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/20 ... 130754.htm
Interesting article on binge eating. I do this and never realized my weird food combinations were common with BED.

[Kittieface]

New Leaf - I caved and bought fat pants lol. I couldn't squeeze into those jeans anymore. It was way too uncomfortable.

But I'm back at the gym. And I'm doing my best to lay off the mental abuse. I did a little yoga this week. I need to find a solid source of it somewhere. I'm starting dance classes this coming week. And I'm making sure I lay off the coffee. More water, and green tea instead.

You just have to wrap yourself up in all kinds of love.

Don't let the gym become an abusive thing. I'm not saying you sounded that way, just that since it ruined some relationships, I'm wondering. Then again, relationships that can crumble too easily may not really be worth fighting for anyways. I'm happy yoga is helping you! If you ever feel down about any of it I'll do my best to cheer you up!

Have you set a goal for weight loss? Is there a size of pants you want to fit in or something?

[fifthsonata]

Ah! Nice to see some replies. Not in that you're struggling with food and weight, but in that I'm not alone in the food issues department.


While I suffer with anorexia, I am one of the many who have the pleasure of being a "chronic" case and have cycled through all eating disorders. It's not uncommon for many to jump the fence. The underlying causes are still VERY similar between all eating disorders - it's an outer symptom of inner turmoil. They're just different manifestations.


So, if anyone is interested I'd be happy to share the things I learned while I was in the hospital. I'll try to phrase them to be as all-encompassing as possible.