Longtime lurker here... but I feel like I'm gonna lose my shit today, I'm hoping a little venting will help, maybe someone out there can even relate?“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”
I was an awkward kid, very shy, bullied a lot and, being a non-confrontational people pleaser, I never, ever stood up for myself. I left my hometown (and all those asshole bullies) as soon as I graduated high school and moved to New York City, where I got into art school, met a bunch of other arty weirdos, and generally had an awesome time for 10 years... then I moved to Detroit. I'd just gotten out of a long relationship and was feeling emboldened by the change. I wanted to try something completely new, not move-to-Portland new like everyone else, no -- I wanted to move to Detroit. "I'll be around REAL people," I thought, "It'll be like NYC in the 70s! Gritty! Raw! Real integrity! Inspiration!" I romanticized it, like I do with everything.
That was 5 years ago, and I feel utterly fucking traumatized by this city. I never identified as depressed or anxious before moving here, now it's practically how I introduce myself. About a year in, I met my boyfriend -- a truly wonderful dude, but a born-and-bred Detroiter with no inclination to move, especially not to NYC, which, like most Detroiters, he views as being frou-frou and phony and full of rich jerks.
I've gone from being a fun, social butterfly to a depressed recluse. Detroiters are bullies, ceaseless ball-busters, and it feels like every time I go out, I inevitably run into someone who, without knowing me at all, wants to kick my ass. Whatever made me a target to my high school bullies must be oozing out in full force here, because I am constantly confronted by total strangers who openly mock or threaten me. I still haven't gotten any better at standing up for myself, by the way.
The loneliness is the hardest part. 5 years in and I've yet to meet anyone with whom I can have a really good conversation. I used to try really hard to make friends, but these days I mostly just isolate. Why should I go out, when the last 30 times I've gone out have been anxiety inducing asshole-a-thons?
So, yeah. I'm perpetually lonely and terrified of going out and making friends. It's awesome. Anyone else feel like a square peg in a city of round bullet holes?
