I Can't Take It Anymore

[weary]

Can't believe someone keyed your car! What a jerk!

It actually wouldn't be so bad if it was just scratches. But is it actually a big "FUCK YOU" with a very crude drawing of male genitalia. Disgruntled student? Someone who didn't approve of my Obama bumper sticker? Someone who didn't like how I parked? Who knows. The upside is I am not as flipped-out furious about it as I would have been a year ago. Not sure if it's progress or just apathy.

We decided that is worth it to try living apart rather than see our relationship completely fall apart and end up hating each other. He hasn't moved out yet but hopefully it will go as smoothly as this transitional period is going... I'm still afraid to do it but it feels like the right thing to do and it feels like I finally have my best friend back.

I have to confront the fact that what I am really terrified about in all of this is hurting my wife, and how upset she gets, and how horrible and guilty I feel when she gets so upset (even when at the same time I know I am trying to stand up for myself and set boundaries). The suggestion of moving out would provoke a reaction that I don't think I could handle. She is constantly afraid and anxious that I am going to leave her and overreacts to every small thing that I do or say because she is expecting the other shoe to drop, and something like that would just reinforce her fears.

Didn't mean to come to your thread and start talking about myself but I thought it might help to share a little.

I'm glad you did. Thanks. It does help to hear how other people are managing, and I am genuinely happy to hear that you have made a decision to make a change for the better. Let me know how it goes.

[fifthsonata]

Don't let her emotions hold you hostage, and don't let fear be your excuse. You both can survive, I have great faith in you to be able to move on - you're a strong individual. How do I know that? Yes, know - you've made it this far. You're thinking more about her than yourself.

If you weren't capable I don't think you'd be posting about it or even entertaining the thought.

It doesn't even have to be permanent. Stay at a hotel for a few days or something. Rent an apartment for six months. See how it goes.

[weary]

It literally changes by the day. We can have some good days where we are having fun and getting along, and then BOOM.

I am afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of not being able to start over. I'm afraid that I am going to end up failing at everything in my life - my marriage, my career - and then where will I be and who will want me? And it won't be just the normal you try something, you fail, and you get back up again - 15 years with the same person and a 13+ year marriage ending in divorce - college, grad school, long postdoc, 6 years as an assistant professor and denied tenure. Basically nothing to show for my whole adult life at 40 - this is my fear and nightmare and I feel like this is a possible (likely) outcome of the next few years. And in the meantime, I'm stressed and miserable and lonely.

[Wildflower]

Weary, everything you are writing is so familiar to me. Currently. Ugh.

Can I just say "me too?" And does it help? I hope it helps. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I keep saying to myself, "How did I get here?" Do you say that too?

I, too, am stressed and miserable and lonely. And I think it's the loneliness in the presence of my partner, which is such a frigging conundrum, that gets to me the most. "I could handle the stress and the misery if I felt you truly were and acting like my partner."

I know I, too, have to go out there and connect with people and do stuff that is fulfilling to me so I don't keep turning to this one person to meet my needs who (might be?) incapable of meeting them. But that makes me so sad. I really do want to be able to turn to my partner - for something, anything. I'm holding everything up. What. About. Me. Do you feel that way too?

Do you ever get confused about what's a reasonable "need" and what's a selfish request or demand? I've been thinking about this a lot.

[weary]

Do you ever get confused about what's a reasonable "need" and what's a selfish request or demand? I've been thinking about this a lot.

Oh God, yes. It's my central problem. I used to think that I had my shit together and I was the strong one, I was the one to take care of my wife, to help my parents, to be the "good" student/worker/boss etc. Needing other people to do things or (god forbid) needing encouragement or emotional support was a sign of weakness and not being strong and independent. So I don't have a good barometer for what's reasonable or not, and there are many things that I think are reasonable that I want out of my marriage that I don't think my wife is willing or able to do (or she has decided she is not able to do, but she thinks it should be good enough if she does what she decides is her "best" whether or not my needs get met).

I really do want to be able to turn to my partner - for something, anything. I'm holding everything up. What. About. Me. Do you feel that way too?

Yes!Yes!Yes!

I keep saying to myself, "How did I get here?" Do you say that too?

Yes, although I have figured a lot of that out (through a lot of effort and therapy). I know where I got a lot of these tendencies and I know the decisions and choices I have made and the habits and coping skills I developed (and to be fair and give her credit, my wife has a lot of insight as to the origins of her problems too). I know how we got here. I'm not sure how to get somewhere better.

[Wildflower]

How fucked up is it that I envy you that, at least, you know how you got here? (Totally having feelings like it's all about ME.And I hate that.)

May I ask a few questions? I don't know how we get someplace better than here. I read every book, listen to every lecture, every podcast, I go to therapy (my own and his), read every article, and yet....

And I SO want to be someplace better than here and, I don't even know you but, I feel like we're putting in the energy without result... is that accurate?...so....

May I ask? And you can, of course, not answer because it's too private and that's ok with me. But this is such a great, constructive dialogue.

What are your needs?

What do you want your partner to provide?

What is not good enough?

(Note to self: answer these for yourself.)

[weary]

May I ask? And you can, of course, not answer because it's too private and that's ok with me. But this is such a great, constructive dialogue.

You may ask, and I will answer... I am really swamped with work and bad shit in my life this week, and I want to give it the proper thought and attention. My instinct is to avoid my work right now and answer your questions, but I am trying to be a little bit more respectful to myself and not sabotage myself in that way, so I won't answer them right now.

I did want to let you know that I will be happy to continue this constructive dialogue and I expect it to be helpful to me in the same way that going to my support group and slowly learning to spill my guts and be vulnerable and take in what others have to say about me and themselves is helpful. That is how I have gotten the (limited) insights that I have at the moment.

How fucked up is it that I envy you that, at least, you know how you got here? (Totally having feelings like it's all about ME.And I hate that.)

Not fucked up. I get it. I do the same thing very oftne. And on the flip side, in a way it feels good that you envy me - makes me feel like I have actually accomplished something worthwhile if someone else wishes they have done it (because I am super-extra-good at discounting and devaluing everything I do in my head, so external validation makes a difference).

[Wildflower]

Noted, and respected.

You know what your priorities are, and your distractions, and HOO BOY that is awesome.

Appreciate your response and look forward to more. Thanks...

[weary]

I haven't forgotten that I said I would answer your questions. I have had a lot going on (in my life and in my head) and I haven't really been able to focus on giving the answer the attention I want to. And this is really a microcosm of my life, because I am having a hard time in reality focusing on understanding my needs and expressing them to others, so there is probably a little avoidance at play. However, I am taking your request for information as an opportunity to really make myself articulate some things that I have been struggling to articulate, so I appreciate your request as well as your patience.

[Wildflower]

I so appreciate you letting me know and I completely and truly understand. Take all the time you need (not for me, for you).

Hurricane Sandy hit us and I haven't had power for four days and cell service was also out so I haven't even been able to access the Internet. Can't complain - and counting my blessings - so many people are suffering far, far worse.

I will share a story, though.

As the winds increased and it started to get scary, my fiance said he wanted to go outside. There really wasn't anything I was going to be able to say to stop him, even though it was a dangerous (and dare I say idiotic) thing to do. I figured he would stand out front for a few minutes and come back inside. So I made us some lunch. And he wasn't coming in. So I ate mine. After an hour passed, and he was nowhere to be found, I called his cell phone in a panic. He answered. "Where are you?! Are you ok?!" I said. "Oh. Yeah," he replied. "I stopped to get something to eat." (The nearest place is blocks away.) I was stunned. But not altogether shocked. And he reacted, as he does, angrily that I asked him, once he returned, to please let me know if he will be going out unexpectedly because I do worry where he is and if he's ok and we do live in the same house together so please can he do that for me.

This is a metaphor for how he has been behaving, how invisible I have become to him, and how little empathy he has for how his behavior affects me. Let alone what my needs might be or what support he might lend to me or the relationship.

I sat in the dark by myself, in the middle of a state-of-emergency-superstorm, watching his lunch that I made him get cold, worrying if he was ok and where he was. And I wasn't allowed to have any feelings about it.

What a metaphor.

Yesterday, I told my therapist that I am (finally) done with the relationship. She was very supportive and very honest and said that she thinks he has such a missing piece in him (she's worked with both of us at points) that she doesn't think he will ever be able to be in a relationship with me that even remotely meets my needs. And she said this with compassion for him as well, knowing the challenges and issues he has. But the rest of our conversation had the tone of "now we finally get to stop talking about HIM and start talking about YOU." So...yeah...needs... what are those again? Are those legal??

I recently lost my job so it's not like I can move out tomorrow. It's going to be awhile. And I have to find a way to keep peace and sanity in the house until then.

I hope this doesn't come off as "all about me." (Even though it kinda was.) I just wanted to say you're not alone.