A very long poem called The Cutters Creed

[Cherry_Iceee]

I am happy to announce I havent cut in probably ten years at least. I wrote this after going to a book signing and meeting with one of my favorite authors and this subject came up and the Author did not understand why people did this to themselves. It started with like four stanzas and everytime i went back to proof read it another reason would pop up and another stanza would happen. I appologize if its too long and that it could be triggering. Just trying to let people who dont understand this condition better, Cherry_Iceee


The Cutters Creed

I wish you could see the anguish,
That I feel inside.
I wish I could make you understand,
What goes on inside my mind.
I wish you could feel the intense pressure that builds up inside myself
With no way to release it.
I wish you could just understand it all.

I wish in some sick way,
That you could experience my past,
My loneliness.
The pain and the pressure that only began there.
I wish that you could feel the confusion,
And feel the need to want to believe,
That what is being done unto you is right,
When your body and mind is screaming;
“This is NOT right!!!”

I wish you could feel the humiliation,
Of being taunted and beat up at school.
And feel the pressure build a little more.
I wish you could go inside my mind,
That year it was so bad at school,
And feel the feeling that went with that;
SUICIDE!!

I wish you could feel the shock,
Of just finding out your abusive alcoholic father is dead.
I wish you could have been a fly on the wall,
That Thanksgiving day where there was no turkey,
But plans for a funeral.
I wish you could feel the pressure build then; even further than what it was before.
I wish you could feel how I felt even more of an outcast after that.

I wish you could have been there,
The day we got a call in the middle of the holiday bliss,
That your grandmother just had a stroke and is going to die.
And yet again feel more pressure build,
Where you knew eventually the dam was going to blow.
I wish you could have been on my side,
As you tormented me about crying,
Because I was upset and even more of a freak to you,
And feel the HATE build.

I wish I could make you understand,
Make you feel the feelings I felt,
As I brought the blade to my skin,
Make you FEEL,
The pressure, the hate, the depression, the darkness,
That was going to explode out of me,
Perhaps I wish you were a fly on the wall,
So you could watch it.
Or even better a fly in mind,
So you could feel the way I felt and see the thoughts I was thinking.

I wish that when you saw the scars,
That you could feel,
The way the make me feel,
Angry, ashamed, depressed, and have them build the pressure up again.
I wish you could feel the self hate
That builds a little more,
When I look at those scars
And know I have put them there intentionally.

I wish you could feel the humiliation,
Of having to seek help for something you did to yourself intentionally.
Feel the rudeness of the doctors,
As they stitch you up,
Feel how rude they are,
Because they know your secret,
And don’t understand.
They think by hurting you further isn’t going to matter,
But just because I did it to myself,
doesn’t mean I want more pain,
As they often inflict more guilt shame and pain.
I wish you could feel the unfairness of it all.

I wish you could cut yourself,
And get that wonderful feeling of
RELEASE!
Instead you get pain.
I didn’t have pain,
I had release of the ever building pressure,
It was like letting some air out of a tire,
That was over inflated.
I wish I could make you understand,
That when I saw the blood it wasn’t blood at all,
It was full of all the pain I felt emotionally.

I wish you could understand,
That it wasn’t for attention at all.
That it wasn’t a practice run at suicide.
That it wasn’t something I was proud of.
That although it released some of the inner torment and pressure that was dying to get out of me,
Killing me to be exact,
I was still ashamed of it all.
But it was a way to cope,
A way to let it out .

I wish you could feel the feeling of nothingness.
The feeling of being numb.
Where you don’t feel a damn thing.
I wish you could understand that feeling,
Of nothingness to the point you wonder if you are even real,
And yet again feel that pressure build,
That when you cut this time,
To let out that pressure,
You feel and see something
that lets you know you are real.

I wish you could feel
The hate I had towards everyone and everything,
Myself being the biggest thing I hated.
How I wish you could feel that hate.
And feel the pressure that built up almost daily.
I wish you could just understand the feeling of being so very alone.
Of having no one to turn to,
Talk to at 2 am.
Have you ever stayed up until two AM,
And felt the emptiness in your house?
Its cold and lonely that time of night.

I wish you could understand the music that I loved so well.
The lyrics that spoke of darkness and emptiness,
It was much too dark for you to understand.
But it was what I was trying to express to you.
I wish you could know that some of those were my favorite cutting songs,
They set the tone and feelings for that.

I wish you could understand,
That what you do to numb your feelings is no different that what I do.
You use alcohol and drugs to kick back to numb your pain,
I use a blade.
The only difference is yours is more socially acceptable.

I wish you weren’t so ignorant,
That you try to ignore it,
That you try and say it’s a suicide attempt.
That you say I’m crazy;
Perhaps that’s true,
But to be real honest its just a coping mechanism,
Because unlike you who’s perfect,
I was never taught a better way to cope.
I wish you could just feel
Truly and utterly FEEL the feelings,
Live the life of a cutter,
FEEL the PRESSURE,
That burns at our souls,
And bleeds out our cuts,
But you cant…..

By:Cherry_Iceee,
January 23, 2k6

[heart]

Wow. I didn't even realize how long it was because I was sucked in.

And feel the need to want to believe,
That what is being done unto you is right,
When your body and mind is screaming;
“This is NOT right!!!”

I wish you could understand,
That what you do to numb your feelings is no different that what I do.

wish you could just understand the feeling of being so very alone.
Of having no one to turn to,
Talk to at 2 am.
Have you ever stayed up until two AM,
And felt the emptiness in your house?
Its cold and lonely that time of night.

It's like hearing my own story, its 1 am and i said YEAH so loudly i think i woke everyone on my floor up . Congratulations on not cutting in ten years, I'm in awe of that