Dark Times on the Graveyard Shift

[kshannon]

I tend to march to the beat of my own drummer. I'm 29.I have been on and off medication since 2009 when I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety. I am back on medication. I am also in therapy and attend a support group.

I am finding it hard to be alone lately and it is hard to keep my thoughts positive when I am by myself. My mood gets better when my husband is home from work. I feel like I am relying on him too much to lift my spirits, however, he is extremely supportive. I am thankful for this. He has stuck with me since my diagnosis and I am confident he will still stick with me through the bad times.

Through the summer and just recently I was a basket case, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't work. I am currently on a leave of absence from work to get healthy again. I have read a lot of posts here, and I see how many are unemployed. It must be hard for folks to have to worry about this. I am very empathetic , and feel for each and every one here in this community board.

A lot of my identity has been devoted to work. I am trying to fix this and am working on finding new friends. I feel like I am eager to make personal connections. I would go to my family for support, but, my brother and mom are pretty heavy drinkers and extremely narcissistic. My father is not all there emotionally. He is very funny guy, life of the party type, and does not like conflict.

I realize that I am extremely critical of people, and this may contribute to my anxiety around people. I am working on changing my view of the world, and am trying to find compassion for myself. Some days are hard, but the good news is, I am being as proactive as I can to help myself.

I work for a company right now that is run by a very large corporation. I am in a labor union that has solidified my seniority, and that gives me job security. I feel bad for bitching about my job to others. My gut is telling me that I am being selfish and rubbing it in. But, my job prevents me from being around the waking world, so I feel like a lot of my personal problems have been the result of my job.

I also have some childhood trauma that is pretty dark that I am revealing to my therapist. It is a slow process, because, it is hard for me to talk about my family in a negative manner. I am grateful for all of the good things my family has done for me, but the love my family gives me is conditional, instead of unconditional.

I am stuck in a graveyard position and have been for 7 years. Before I took my leave of absence, I tried to convince my boss that I was worth moving to a day position. I feel like with 7 years of service I have earned it. Not to mention, I hear time and time again, that I am one of the best workers on the graveyard crew.

My boss kept telling me that there were no positions available during the day. However, I applied internally for a couple day positions that had been posted. I was not interviewed for them. This crushed me. I thought for sure I would be given interviews, because the company policy is to interview current employees first. However, both these positions were filled from people off the street. This broke my heart. I toughed it out all these years to get to my current pay and experience, in the hopes that in the future, I would find a better position.

For my employer it is hard to find good graveyard employees. I have seen so many come and go over the years. The turn over is huge. But, the shift has become too difficult for me. Its not easy to have a life. It is also hard for me to sleep during the day. I could do it for the first couple of years on the shift, but over the years, my body is starting to react to it.

I made it very clear to my boss ( in very respectful and professional manner) that I wasn't feeling well and I needed to work during the day. I could feel all of the awful symptoms of my mental illness slowly come back, and with a vengeance! People with depression know, it is like a dark cloud that follows you everywhere.

My suicidal ideation was going on for about 3 months. So, it started in the summer and continued through September. It was very real and I felt like I was being traumatized all over again.

Who knows, I could have been feeling suicidal for a number of reasons...not just family and work...but they were two contributors.

I am not suicidal anymore because the meds have kicked in and I am finding support. Things are looking up.

It still hurts because I feel like I have earned the right to be able to work during the day! And, I want my family to understand me, but I know this is unrealistic.

By no means am I trying to make people feel bad here. I am very lucky to have employment. I am very happy that I have a wonderful supportive husband. It is still hard to find the right solutions.

I just have to work a little harder at making connections with people, because there are not a lot of people out there, who are on the same sleep-wake cycle. It is a very small pool.

My life has improved since I have been on my leave of absence...I am preparing to go back to work. I am scared I'm going to lose it again...but I have a great doctor and therapist to help me out.

I really like my support group, but it is once a week, and I just started going. I was told to take baby steps by the moderator, and I guess this could apply to people. I am grateful for employment and that I have medical insurance when many don't. I know that my problems are solvable. I also want to be able to sleep at night ! I guess beggars can't be choosers...Right?

[pattywhack13]

You have every right to feel frustrated, kshannon. I'd be frustrated too if I was in your position. Wanting to complain about your job to others is completely understandable, so don't think for a second you sound like you're bitching. You have legitimate complaints that deserve to be heard by others. You're a person. All people need to be heard; all people need to feel listened to.

You have a forum full of people who identify with your struggles in some way shape or form at your disposal. I've found this out in just a few days on here.

I know how you feel, embarrassed for complaining about your situation while knowing that there are others out there who are suffering. I know that guilt all too well. It's frustrating, having something to complain about but not feeling like the issue is worthy enough to bring it up. I saw a lot of myself in that sentiment. I'd venture to say that even though some people are out of work on these forums, that doesn't diminish your problems at all. They matter, just like you matter. In fact, I'd venture to say that most of those out of work people on these forums (myself included) want you to feel accepted and comfortable here.

[fifthsonata]

Oh Patty, oh shit I know this all too well.

I'm not married but I also work 3rd/graveyard shift in a warehouse. I went from teaching to running inventory control - and I'm in the same boat. Applied for every day shift I could (even to risk losing the overnight differential), got interviews, but never transferred.

It really DOES contribute to depression. Lack of sunlight, improper sleep/wake cycle - it can all create havoc on someone who is already mentally ill and requires a strict schedule to help keep brain chemistry relatively stable.

It is hard to keep good workers on 3rd shift, I've seen a lot of turnover as well, but if you need this for your health, maybe it's time to consider a new job. Are there any competing companies who can offer a comparable salary? I'm trying that route now until I can get back in my original field.

Even if you can't find a job that pays the same, your health is MUCH more important that keeping a higher salary. You can apply for a 6 month extra coverage from your last employer - the rate is a little higher but it could still cover therapy/medication while you're in the probationary period to get coverage from your new employer. The last time I did that I think (in my state) it was about $15 extra a month. If you don't want to opt for the extra coverage, if you're in a city there are low-income health centers you could apply for.


If you ever need to vent about this - I'm here. I understand completely. I'm so white I glow in the dark, never get to see my family anymore, and best of all I have barely made any new friends since I moved for this job - I never see anyone! The extra pay is nice, but the cost to mental stability and physical health is definitely NOT worth it.

[fifthsonata]

Oh dammit, sorry, I didn't mean to call you Patty! I saw her comment and I guess the name stuck in my head.

[Cherry_Iceee]

Hello,
I too work the late shift. all your complaints are valid in everyway. It sucks when you are never recognized for your good work or get rewarded with a day shift. Jobs arent scarce but if your not bubbly enough its hard to get a job.
the only way i can keep the bad thoughts out of my head is to keep my mind occupied with anything but myself. i read i draw i paint i play video games i do crafts anything to keep my thoughts at bay. I am always trying to make new friends. I am a janitor and i hate it. when you work nights its hard to be up when the average person is awake, and the only thing to do in the middle of the night is go to walmart or gas stations. unless you drink. I dont drink. I wish there was all night coffee shops open. Someplace you can go to be with all the other night owls I used to be a cashier I cant even begin to describe how much i miss being among other humans beings. I miss that social outlet.
It is very hard to be around normal people cause they wanna go out to lunch at noon and lets face it we nighters are not up at noon thats our midnight. no one gets that then it makes the person you are out with feel wierd cause you cant stay awake through thier diatribe of how perfect thier life is. being a janitor is even harder because work is usually a big part of a conversation, and yet i cant talk about my work cause who wants to hear how big the turd was that was left in the toilet or how many pubic hairs this one urinal collects in a day. not the best lunch conversation.
I too have always marched to my own drummer, no doubt about that. At time i wish i was on the inside of that seemingly perfect house with a perfect family instead of just looking in. But then i think about how it probably isnt all that great and how much that could change me. Although i was horribly abused and been suicidal and have had many trials in my life, I dont think now i would want anything different, it has made me who i am and has made me strong, with tons of empathy for people. It has made see things on a much deeper level, I feel very deeply and i want deep friendships and relationships.
I too know my family will never get me. I was a little freak to my brothers,( im thier little sister the only girl) and was my parents mistake. I would love to be able to tell all my secrets to my mother, to share all i feel, but she will never get it. And Now that my father is dead her version of him is almost godlike. He was a good man to her and he was good to me too. He also just sexually abused me. She will never know that, as much as i used to yearn for her to know that, i think now it would just kill her and it will not be a good outcome. I have moved past her ever knowing or even any of my brothers knowing about it. Whats the point? its said and done and my father is dead now.
Things do get better, eventually you meet other geeks who stay up all night, ive found most gas station attendents are the nicest people out there in the middle of the night. Also if you want a good laugh go to walmart and look around at 2 am just watch the people. You think your strange until you go to walmart at 2 am!
As for being sucidal this year has been a trying year for me and i have thought many many times of just doing it. I have gone as far as having a will made out and what i want my plans to be. Some days its just second by second minute by minute that i live, in hopes the urge to die will fade. I take up anything i can to keep all the dark thoughts at bay.
I related to you in many ways. Hopefully some one will see your potential and give you a day job you deserve it after all this time.

[kshannon]

Thanks Cherry_Iceee, fifthsonata, and pattywhack13, I sent you all private messages with responses to what you wrote.

[penny]

massive sympathy to all you graveyard shifters. it sucks to be penalized for being a good employee! i suppose in a recession it'd be dangerous to bluff an ultimatum would it? like saying 'if you want me to stay with your company, you'll need to change my shift'? kshannon--can the union do anything to help your situation?

@kshannon--i'm struggling with the family stuff too. i'm wondering if the only thing to do is to accept the limited relationships that conditional love from family offers. by 'accept' i mean not torture myself by hoping for/expecting what i actually deserve when i'll be continually disappointed. i don't know. i don't know how to stop looking for the love we want from our families. it makes me appreciate my partner's generous love all the more.

it's wonderful that you're being so proactive with your mental health and trying to make the situation better for yourself (therapy, meds, etc). fingers crossed. i hope you get that day shift you deserve. x