'lonely' I really hate that word!

[ironhorse]

I'm 37, single and feel really and truly alone. My mother died when I was 21, my dad became schizophrenic when I was 14 and my older sister wants nothing to do with me. She doesn't even know where I live, and hasn't tried to contact me in over 10 years. I see my aunt and cousin a few times a year but that's the only family I really keep in touch with. I feel as though I've been abandoned by everybody I've cared for my whole life, some way or other. The friends that I've had never really seemed like they cared enough. If I stopped calling or keeping in touch I'd never hear from them again. Every single one over the years has simply drifted or away and forgotten about me. If somebody truly cares for you wouldn't they make the effort? I've begun to realize that even though I'm a pretty easy person to get along with, I don't have any real friends. I'm afraid to get close to people for fear of being abandoned again. There is one woman who I felt I had a great connection with, but my depression has poisoned my mind into thinking that maybe she doesn't like me as well as I thought she did. I've since backed off and don't talk to her as often so that she doesn't feel like she has to fake being happy to see me. I'm afraid of being seen as needy too. Needless to say I don't hear from her often.
The boyfriend thing is even deeper in the hole. I've had some long relationships, but am single for the first time in years. It's just going to be a vicious cycle. I want someone I can really connect with, but am afraid of being abandoned again. (or used, as was the case with past relationships.) I suppose I could have said that in the first place, instead of rambling on for so long. Well, nobody has to read this anyway. What I wish is that, even though I'm very independant, I could be comfortable just being with me the rest of my life. I'd love to live in a shack in the middle of the woods somewhere, not have to see or deal with people 'til the end of my days. Reality fucking sucks!

[Cherry_Iceee]

Forgive me for typos but im on my nook. I too am in the same boat. Lost all my friends due to various reasons. My father died when i was eightteen. I work alone so i have no chance of meeting new people. I am not very close to any of my family except my nephew which i have practically raised. I have an aunt i email but that is about it. I too feel abandoned most often. Im not afraid so much of being abandoned as much as i sometimes look forward to the solitude. I too feel needy and clingy. I sometimes wonder if i smother people i meet. I have decided once the charity runs out so do most people. Reality does bite.

[ironhorse]

Thanks for the reply, Cherry. I know I'm not alone, but it helps to get actual feedback from those who understand. I somewhat envy you working alone though. Where I've worked for the past 5 years, my only co-worker is an absolute nightmare!. I can't pinpoint her condition but she's totally fucked up! For someone like me with chronic depression, it has been the biggest challenge of my life.
Have you ever thought of joining a group or club where you are? Or talked with someone professional? I'll be starting sessions again myself soon.
Happy Boo Day tomorrow!

[Cherry_Iceee]

Everybody has that one person they hate to work with. I worked with a lion for the past 4 years that was like a five year old nark that talked non stop about goats. She was a 32 year old virgin would tell you this upon first meeting. Lived with parents that controlled everything about her life. If there was a death in the family she would relate to your grief by telling you about a goat or cat dying she was soon incredibly hard to handle. I'm soooo happy to be away from those bitches. Is yours narcotic like that or is she one of those perky people who seemingly has the perfect life always upbeat and in your face about how wonderful the world is. Hope things go well for you. I related alot to your story..

[penny]

i relate to this. i have few friends and the ones i have i can be critical of or just always feel awkward around. depression can be a real f***ng poison. i think you should try to re-connect to the friend you mentioned. maybe suggest the movies or something low-intensity to transition back into meeting up? might be awkward at first but will get easier maybe?