It was an interesting show, but I kinda felt like there wasn't much to learn. Bless her, and I'm happy she had such resources, but it seemed like, "I had good parents, was fit, had confidence, and a great well of resourcefulness, so was basically fine."
I realize that's a gross oversimplification.
But, there wasn't really much of a lesson, was there? She was very fortunate.
Brenda Feehery
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taurine_cat
- Posts: 2
- Joined: November 9th, 2012, 2:30 pm
Re: Brenda Feehery
I agree with your comments. And I even felt that she was holding back. She has a bit of stoicism, possibly from having recited the story so many times, that probably protects a part of her that still feels some vulnerability about it. Perhaps this is not the case, but that was my perception.
Regardless, I really empathized with the reader comments Paul read at the top of the following week's episode. I'm sure MANY trauma victims felt an insane jealousy at all the support she was given and how seemingly easy it was for her to recover.
The fact is that being attacked and raped by a stranger, though a popular image and method of keeping women from walking alone at night, is NOT the norm. Most of us were abused within our own families, and that is not something your local media or church/other community wants to hear. Most abusers are very skilled at keeping their acts invisible to the outside world, and often make it next-to-impossible for their victims to be heard and understood.
Brenda had an awful thing happen to her. But she was a fully formed adult with a family and community fully behind her. She is the person the rest of us wish we somehow could have been when our traumas occurred. But, of course, that is completely impossible. We all have to learn to have compassion for ourselves and EVERYTHING we had to overcome, and not compare one woman's singular violent experience to a lifetime of insidious emotional, physical, sexual, and mental abuse.
Easier said than done, I know.
Regardless, I really empathized with the reader comments Paul read at the top of the following week's episode. I'm sure MANY trauma victims felt an insane jealousy at all the support she was given and how seemingly easy it was for her to recover.
The fact is that being attacked and raped by a stranger, though a popular image and method of keeping women from walking alone at night, is NOT the norm. Most of us were abused within our own families, and that is not something your local media or church/other community wants to hear. Most abusers are very skilled at keeping their acts invisible to the outside world, and often make it next-to-impossible for their victims to be heard and understood.
Brenda had an awful thing happen to her. But she was a fully formed adult with a family and community fully behind her. She is the person the rest of us wish we somehow could have been when our traumas occurred. But, of course, that is completely impossible. We all have to learn to have compassion for ourselves and EVERYTHING we had to overcome, and not compare one woman's singular violent experience to a lifetime of insidious emotional, physical, sexual, and mental abuse.
Easier said than done, I know.
Re: Brenda Feehery
I really respect her journey and her courage. And I don't mean to be a debbie downer here, but if you don't have a strong family and weren't raised in a health environment, perhaps you wouldn't be able to overcome an event such as hers that easily. I too felt like it was just so easy for her to overcome and put it behind her. She is enourmously blessed to have a dad who was there for her in the hospital etc. I know people like her in my life who don't understand what it is to struggle emotionally and have to parent yourself as an adult. Perhaps God doesn't give you challenges he doesn't think you could handle. I truly think maybe thats the case here, she had the emotional fortitude to handle it because she did come from a wonderful family (I'm jealous by the way when I hear of people who did come from such wonderful families 
I know when I talk to people who did have good families, they don't get me, me who struggles every single day to quell demons and squash down pain and try to move through each day with grace an dignity and strength. It is a battle and I guess if you didn't experience a childhood that was alot to overcome as it seems so many on here have had, you just don't get us. Anyway, thanks for the podcasts - it is good to hear peoples stories. Peace.
I know when I talk to people who did have good families, they don't get me, me who struggles every single day to quell demons and squash down pain and try to move through each day with grace an dignity and strength. It is a battle and I guess if you didn't experience a childhood that was alot to overcome as it seems so many on here have had, you just don't get us. Anyway, thanks for the podcasts - it is good to hear peoples stories. Peace.-
CharlotteC
- Posts: 27
- Joined: January 4th, 2013, 2:49 pm
- Issues: depression, anxiety, eating disorder, cutting
- Location: British Columbia, Canada
Re: Brenda Feehery
Paul made me laugh so hard in this episode and I just love him, but I have some criticisms (nothing is his fault).
I agree with many of the posters here that it is rarely as easy to cope with trauma as Brenda's story implies. The main problem here was that while she suffered something traumatic, she wasn't actually traumatized. She isn't struggling with mental illness, anxiety, PTSD, depression, or anything. Emotionally, she is fine. So ultimately the interview wasn't heavy at all; in fact it was almost too light.
To be honest, I think she came across as a little dismissive or even disrespectful of other people's struggles with deep emotional pain. For example, when she said, about surviving the attack, "God was on my side." So God is not on the side of people who get murdered? That's some really self-serving logic right there. And about the rape victim who struggles for years with trauma, she said "that person that did that to them is going to control their life, and I was not going to let anyone control my life." That sounded smug and slightly judgemental, like she was blaming the victim for being so weak as to "let" someone affect them that much. Overall, I feel she is probably very inspiring to people who are already reasonably strong emotionally and respond well to her pragmatic approach (kind of like a great coach), but I felt a real lack of empathy for people whose problems are deeper and more complicated. That's why the best stories come from people who really struggle. They can connect, because they understand. They accept that life can be really fucking complicated, and that sometimes you get the shitty end of the stick and it's not your fault, and pulling yourself up out of that crap alone, or with a group of similarly beautiful broken people, can make you stronger and more loving than you ever imagined.
Speaking of which, I really liked hearing the letter and fears and loves of the guy named Taylor at the end. For all his insecurities, he sounds like such a nice, funny and interesting guy with so much potential to be a loving and happy person. It gave me hope.
I agree with many of the posters here that it is rarely as easy to cope with trauma as Brenda's story implies. The main problem here was that while she suffered something traumatic, she wasn't actually traumatized. She isn't struggling with mental illness, anxiety, PTSD, depression, or anything. Emotionally, she is fine. So ultimately the interview wasn't heavy at all; in fact it was almost too light.
To be honest, I think she came across as a little dismissive or even disrespectful of other people's struggles with deep emotional pain. For example, when she said, about surviving the attack, "God was on my side." So God is not on the side of people who get murdered? That's some really self-serving logic right there. And about the rape victim who struggles for years with trauma, she said "that person that did that to them is going to control their life, and I was not going to let anyone control my life." That sounded smug and slightly judgemental, like she was blaming the victim for being so weak as to "let" someone affect them that much. Overall, I feel she is probably very inspiring to people who are already reasonably strong emotionally and respond well to her pragmatic approach (kind of like a great coach), but I felt a real lack of empathy for people whose problems are deeper and more complicated. That's why the best stories come from people who really struggle. They can connect, because they understand. They accept that life can be really fucking complicated, and that sometimes you get the shitty end of the stick and it's not your fault, and pulling yourself up out of that crap alone, or with a group of similarly beautiful broken people, can make you stronger and more loving than you ever imagined.
Speaking of which, I really liked hearing the letter and fears and loves of the guy named Taylor at the end. For all his insecurities, he sounds like such a nice, funny and interesting guy with so much potential to be a loving and happy person. It gave me hope.
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CharlotteC
- Posts: 27
- Joined: January 4th, 2013, 2:49 pm
- Issues: depression, anxiety, eating disorder, cutting
- Location: British Columbia, Canada
Re: Brenda Feehery
Hope I didn't sound too critical and self-righteous in my above post! I just have a hard time relating to people with happy families and, especially, strong fathers. I have no idea what that feels like, so I couldn't really relate to Brenda's story. Also, I felt a bit judged by her (about the rape/trauma/"letting" yourself be controlled thing). But I can be oversensitive and self-absorbed, so that might be more my problem than hers.
Re: Brenda Feehery
Charlotte, I appreciated what you wrote. I too have feelings of jealousy when it comes to people with strong, supportive families and also specifically regarding fathers. I too have no idea what it feels like to have a father who is present, caring, thoughtful and supportive. Also I'm an only child and have felt that same jealousy when it comes to those who have strong bonds with siblings. Jealousy seems like such a waste of emotional energy yet we're human and I'm trying not to beat myself up about this endless desire to have experienced 'family' and 'support'.
I also have to agree that for many survivors of sexual trauma there will be a disconnect with Brenda's story and her attitude regarding her experience. Because her child was also in danger, in my opinion it changes the entire emotional equation. For her there was a lack of concern for herself and her own experience due to the instincts she has as a mother. She can leave her experience feeling like she did everything right because her child was unharmed and that would be the only priority for (most) parents in that situation. For those who experienced an attack or sexual violation without the component of needing to protect another, they can end up continually going back and forth in their heads second guessing themselves because they are evaluating what they could have done to have control of their emotions and of the experience. But there is also definitely something about having this type of experience when you are old enough to be emotionally more aware and stronger, and especially with a large supportive family/upbringing.
As an only child who has always been independent, and a female who has had plenty of experience with unwanted male attention and concern for safety, I've always been aware of the statistics when it comes to rape/attack/etc. I've spent a lot of my life living in large cities and going about my business alone and a woman alone (unfortunately) needs to be aware. So when, at 26, I was attacked/raped/held hostage, it was horrific but I also had a feeling of "I am thankful this happened to me at an age when I can handle it, understand it for what it is, and have the tools to get through it". But I was also lucky in my particular circumstances to get the opportunity to think that because for whatever reason he let me live. Considering my lifestyle the statistics weren't on my side, the chances of it happening during my lifetime were something I had always considered but decided I was not willing to live my life in constant fear, being endlessly careful instead of just living my life. I do think it's sad that I feel 'lucky' that: it happened when I was emotionally aware enough, that it was a stranger instead of someone I trusted, and that I was able to get him locked up. These are things that make my experience (and Brenda's) so different from what so many others endure when it comes to sexual assault/molestation.
Something else that has been different for me in this experience (from what I've heard from others who've been sexually violated) is that I've found it hard to hate him or be really angry at him. It was very obvious at the time that there were some serious things wrong with him and when he was caught and evaluated it turned out that he was schizophrenic, homeless and also an addict. Again I cannot imagine what it is to deal with schizophrenia but I've had moments of mania and very rare moments of delusion, having your mind going places beyond your control is frightening. I have a lot of compassion for all of us struggling with forms of mental illness. And in the end while of course I was angry this happened to me, and had many difficult emotional times due to it, I still felt sympathy toward him. Maybe it is an entirely fucked up reaction to have. All I know is schizophrenia has caused many good people to do unspeakable things they couldn't live with once they were properly medicated and in a balanced state. It's hard for me to imagine that he is truly evil and deserving of hate.
Wow did I get far away from talking about Brenda Feehery. But to anyone who read all that, thanks for doing so, it really helps to put those thoughts out there. At this point I can't see the screen through the tears and I didn't expect that to happen. I just want to say that I too am thankful for the podcast and for the connection with all of those out there for whom what Paul is doing resonates deeply. Paul, thanks for openly battling your demons and creating this lovely MIHH world for all us fucked up beings
I also have to agree that for many survivors of sexual trauma there will be a disconnect with Brenda's story and her attitude regarding her experience. Because her child was also in danger, in my opinion it changes the entire emotional equation. For her there was a lack of concern for herself and her own experience due to the instincts she has as a mother. She can leave her experience feeling like she did everything right because her child was unharmed and that would be the only priority for (most) parents in that situation. For those who experienced an attack or sexual violation without the component of needing to protect another, they can end up continually going back and forth in their heads second guessing themselves because they are evaluating what they could have done to have control of their emotions and of the experience. But there is also definitely something about having this type of experience when you are old enough to be emotionally more aware and stronger, and especially with a large supportive family/upbringing.
As an only child who has always been independent, and a female who has had plenty of experience with unwanted male attention and concern for safety, I've always been aware of the statistics when it comes to rape/attack/etc. I've spent a lot of my life living in large cities and going about my business alone and a woman alone (unfortunately) needs to be aware. So when, at 26, I was attacked/raped/held hostage, it was horrific but I also had a feeling of "I am thankful this happened to me at an age when I can handle it, understand it for what it is, and have the tools to get through it". But I was also lucky in my particular circumstances to get the opportunity to think that because for whatever reason he let me live. Considering my lifestyle the statistics weren't on my side, the chances of it happening during my lifetime were something I had always considered but decided I was not willing to live my life in constant fear, being endlessly careful instead of just living my life. I do think it's sad that I feel 'lucky' that: it happened when I was emotionally aware enough, that it was a stranger instead of someone I trusted, and that I was able to get him locked up. These are things that make my experience (and Brenda's) so different from what so many others endure when it comes to sexual assault/molestation.
Something else that has been different for me in this experience (from what I've heard from others who've been sexually violated) is that I've found it hard to hate him or be really angry at him. It was very obvious at the time that there were some serious things wrong with him and when he was caught and evaluated it turned out that he was schizophrenic, homeless and also an addict. Again I cannot imagine what it is to deal with schizophrenia but I've had moments of mania and very rare moments of delusion, having your mind going places beyond your control is frightening. I have a lot of compassion for all of us struggling with forms of mental illness. And in the end while of course I was angry this happened to me, and had many difficult emotional times due to it, I still felt sympathy toward him. Maybe it is an entirely fucked up reaction to have. All I know is schizophrenia has caused many good people to do unspeakable things they couldn't live with once they were properly medicated and in a balanced state. It's hard for me to imagine that he is truly evil and deserving of hate.
Wow did I get far away from talking about Brenda Feehery. But to anyone who read all that, thanks for doing so, it really helps to put those thoughts out there. At this point I can't see the screen through the tears and I didn't expect that to happen. I just want to say that I too am thankful for the podcast and for the connection with all of those out there for whom what Paul is doing resonates deeply. Paul, thanks for openly battling your demons and creating this lovely MIHH world for all us fucked up beings
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Tooting Deer
- Posts: 1
- Joined: January 17th, 2013, 2:37 pm
Re: Brenda Feehery
The podcast was over an hour and the mentions of her supportive family were relatively small details in a larger discussion about what happened to her and her recovery. Why the one-downing? The attempt to somehow quantify one person's trauma over another's? Or, in this case reduce someone's else's trauma compared to yours?
As a survivor of a violent attack, I related to Brenda and her recovery.
There are other messages to take away from this podcast:
- Stay busy and active.
- Try new things - travel, sports, music instrument, night classes etc.... Whatever. Find outlets and explore.
- You are more than your trauma and it does not have to be the one defining characteristic of your personality.
- Get help.
- If you find yourself devoting time to over-analyzing and measuring other people's traumas with your own - direct it toward the above items on this list.
Brenda, if you're reading this - beware of when the perpetrator's released and the attendant symptoms it may trigger. The ptsd and paranoia that resurfaced upon release of the perpetrator in my case - over 20 years after the attack - caught me by surprise.
Love. Peace. Salsa.
As a survivor of a violent attack, I related to Brenda and her recovery.
There are other messages to take away from this podcast:
- Stay busy and active.
- Try new things - travel, sports, music instrument, night classes etc.... Whatever. Find outlets and explore.
- You are more than your trauma and it does not have to be the one defining characteristic of your personality.
- Get help.
- If you find yourself devoting time to over-analyzing and measuring other people's traumas with your own - direct it toward the above items on this list.
Brenda, if you're reading this - beware of when the perpetrator's released and the attendant symptoms it may trigger. The ptsd and paranoia that resurfaced upon release of the perpetrator in my case - over 20 years after the attack - caught me by surprise.
Love. Peace. Salsa.
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Jenny Jump
- Posts: 87
- Joined: January 19th, 2013, 4:39 am
Re: Brenda Feehery
I didn't think she was dismissive at all. I just thought it was interesting to listen to how some people absorb trauma differently.
"I know what I am, I know what you think I am, but I refuse to be that simple." -Nomy Lamm
Re: Brenda Feehery
This might be off-topic, but I was wondering how her son is doing and that wasn't really touched on. I don't know if he doesn't remember what happened, but it seems like a traumatic experience for a child and I would be interested to know if he dealt with it as well as she did.