Weary,
New to the thread and just read the backlog.
You are incredibly brave to be taking the small steps that you are to improve the quality of your life. I was sad to read about the patterns of tension and dischord that you describe. I witnessed something similar in the communication patterns of my brother and his (now ex-) wife, and I was very nervous that they wanted to bring a child into that profoundly toxic and emotionally unsafe environment. Kudos to you for recognizing the importance of that and wanting to deal with your business before making the situation someone else's.
Your list of what you want really resonates. I hear you. I can't imagine that the list of any human being wouldn't overlap heavily with the things you mention you want for yourself, even though the specific details of how it manifests may look different for each of us due to our situations, background and tastes.
A lot of what you said you want from your wife sounded, erm,
really familiar. In my relationship, I'm currently the one who is spending a lot of time trying to learn new patterns, trying to make an effort to get better. Part of the reason is because my issues have been getting so profoundly in the way of my work that it's really affecting us financially. But my partner is slowly coming around to wanting to deal with his own issues too. We're a little different — my partner just bottles up all his objections and at some point in our relationship stopped talking to me. He told me that the other night and I had to acknowledge the fact that I haven't been a very good listener for him. Since I am doing a lot of taking stock, one more thing to add to the list doesn't seem like much.
I think there's an important thread here about blame. Society loves to tell us to blame things — usually external things (because it means they can sell us other external things), but we are also encouraged to blame ourselves, and we often learn to do that from when we are children. That, I think, is why intimate relationships can get so stressful — because blame tends to dig the holes deeper, not give us the strength to climb out. And we need our partners to climb out of the holes that they are in too, and we are often the ones in the best position to see what hole they are in (which they may have conveniently forgot they had to get out of). And we need the strength to get out of our own holes. To stretch the analogy even further, we are calling out in the dark to hear the voices of our beloveds to stay encouraged. And when they treat us with anything but respect and loving kindness, they're just throwing shovels at us. And when we fall into our habitual ways of thinking, we're picking them up and digging, becoming even more numb to the sources of our strength that aren't rooted in anger, bitterness or pain. All those things we actually need to be healthy and whole.
I was recently fortunate enough to stumble upon a recorded lecture at the library (the main source of excitement these days — healther than Netflix, because I have to walk there, and generally more insightful). The lecture features Pema Chödron, a Buddhist nun, and the topic was Unconditional Confidence. What she means by that is actually unwavering friendliness towards one's self. It's easy to be friendly towards ourselves when things are going great. But our souls need us to be gentle when things are going crappy, because change can't come from the angry voice. The angry voice is that of the thinking that got us there in the first place.
I'm trying really hard to not be an external manifestation of my partner's angry voice. He has taught me so much in the time we've been together (7.5 years). I probably often was his angry voice at the beginning of our relationship. He's modelled sensitivity to me. I still fall into it sometimes. But the biggest gift he's given me has been the space as I've looked my own fear in the eye. He could have gotten really angry at me and he would've been completely within his right. But he never has. It doesn't mean our relationship doesn't have other issues, but I think there might be something there for you — especially since you mention you want your wife dealing with her own baggage.
I think language is a big part of it. Another audiobook I read talks about the concept of counter-will — that human beings instinctually don't do well with being told not to do things, because it generates resistance that ends up manifesting in other negative ways. Something tells me your wife is running from her own issues and is giving into treating you the way she has because of fear of what she thinks will happen if she puts aside the pattern of interactions she's had with you (or that you are serving as a handy, nearby distraction from those issues). It's very hard to untangle the idea that her fear is not external if she has too much invested in that narrative. But the counter-will concept is really important if you are asking her to make changes, because she has to want and understand them to make them happen for herself.
Maybe a short break — even just crashing on a friend's couch for a day or two during a long weekend, whatever distance you can achieve in what probably sound like money-constrained times — might give you both each some space to do some of this work on yourselves. (And if she doesn't think she has a problem, come back and I'll tell you about my parents sometime
)
We're already awesome, we just have to remember it more often.
Best to you,
SmartCookie
