I have no reason to be sad, but I am

[Plumeria]

I am white, young(ish), "cute", have a wonderful and loving family, and a kind, funny, and commited boyfriend of 8 years. I was never abused or neglected, therefore I have no reason to be sad, but I am. I have been my whole life. I am just now able recognizing this. But to say the word "depressed" or "depression" is scary because people will think that is all I am; this sad, boring, pathetic and humorless person. I am not depression, I HAVE depression. As an adult I can now recognize the difference between a FEELING and reality and I am generally able to ride it out, but it is still really hard to funtion when the emotional rollercoaster is heading for a dip.

I was always sensitive to everything around me, I picked up on feeling of those around me and I get overwhelmed by News reports of crime. My mom was depressed (yay genetics!) and going through her own emotional ups and downs, but she rarely said anything bad, mean or angry. She was actually super mom doing everything "perfect" or close to it. She outwardly showed no indication that she was sad or anxious, but I could just FEEL it without know what it was in words.

I didnt have much of a reason to be sad until a horrible relationship (age 15-18) that lasted way longer than needed. I only put up with it because of my low self-esteem. I hung onto the anger and hatred for this person because it gave me an excuse to be sad. It made sense, I had a reason! In some weird way it was the only time I didnt feel emotionally defective. I was finally sad because some asshole ripped my heart out and pissed on it. That was my excuse, but I was already sad.

My next reason came only months later: I had to have Surgery (actually two surgeries and one long stay in the ICU on medication) - only later to find out I DIDNT need it. YAY another reason to be angry and sad. My anger was focused directly onto the medical community. Again I had an excuse for the sadness and fear, but really I was already sad.

The following 10 years my family came up against some sort of health crisis, each of us taking turns: me, dad, mom, grandma (repeat twice). This seemed to put me in some sort of stoic mode. I just focused on what needed to be done, I sat in hospitals, I stayed with grandma 2 or 3 nights a week, I did grocery shoping for my mom, what ever needed to be done. I had a purpose, I had focus, but I was still scared inside. but again I had reasons to be sad, anxious and tired. Although I didnt like what was happening to my family I greatful for the excuse to be sad. It meant I wasnt a sad-sack, peice of shit that likes to wallow in old bullshit.

I have had sick thoughts like "what a relief it would be if I got sick again"... now I understand WHY I have those thoughts. When something does happen I have a reason, No, a RIGHT to be sad. When I feel sad and everything is going well, I feel like a whiny bitch, which only brings more feelings of low self esteem and sadness.

I have been listening to the Mental Illness Happy Hour for a year now, listening and relistening to old episodes, relating to almost every guest in some small or large way. The episode that take longer for me to get through (stoping and starting often) are the ones that I can relate to the most. Jamie Denbo and DC Peirson for example. I got angry at DC and was annoyed by him and then I realized it's because what he was saying is what I hate about myself. This is where my eyes started opening to new possibilities about my mental and emotional health. I cannot will it, wish it or hope this away. It's going to take time, work and tears to get in touch with what I feel and find the balls(ovaries?) to get through it.

Each guest or survey that has been read has talked about their emotional traumas or stuggles with the intention to find a reason WHY they felt shitty all their lives. I can certainly relate to the need to know WHY, but I dont have a "why". All I have to offer is that I'm too sensitive for my own good and/or my chemicals are not quite right. I can clearly recall feeling sad at a very young age without a reason in the world. I can only offer the fact that I never saw mole hills - they were all gigantic, scary mountains.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Plumeria, welcome to the forum.

I can certainly relate to the need to know WHY, but I dont have a "why". All I have to offer is that I'm too sensitive for my own good and/or my chemicals are not quite right. I can clearly recall feeling sad at a very young age without a reason in the world. I can only offer the fact that I never saw mole hills - they were all gigantic, scary mountains.

This is valid. You don't have to prove your worthiness to start being loving to yourself and to qualify for help. You didn't deserve the suffering.

Please take care, we here are all cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[tangerine]

Hey Plumeria!

I don't claim to have any answers, I'm just putting in my view...

The first thing I want to say to you is, if you're experiencing an unwanted emotion, if you fight it, it will fight back. The more you don't want it around, the more you worry about it or feel guilty about being sad for what you say is no reason, the more you try to suppress or ignore it, the stronger this emotion will grow. Imagine your body as an energy field which vibrates at a certain frequency. When you feel fear, say, this may turn up as the feeling of a knife in your stomach. That's a very slow vibration that is interfering with your energy field. If you put your entire consciousness on this feeling, feeeeel how uncomfortable it is, where is it located, what does it feel like, very soon that feeling will dissipate because you put your awareness to it. As soon as we fully acknowledge such things, we automatically raise the vibrations through our awareness, and we can a) lose the fear of the uncomfortable emotion and b) eventually lift it out of our system.

If you're feeling sad and you feel like it's for no reason, I say fine! A lot of people feel this way. Feeling sad is fine, it's part of life. But it seems it has taken up an unhealthily large portion of your life, which is why I'm speaking of releasing emotions. I don't know how you deal with your sadness, but I would suggest a full-on acknowledgement and acceptance -- I know, it will be hard, but it will be worth it! Change can only come through acceptance. One thing that helps with this is if you can adopt the belief that everything happens for a reason. Countless evidence points towards this, I was going to start listing examples but the post would be too long. My point is, though, that maybe you have been feeling sad all this time for a reason, to learn something, to become something. And you've already taken the first step, by acknowledging the fact that you have been feeling sad and depressed. And THERE IS NO SHAME IN FEELING THAT WAY. Next you could for example think over your life situation, your interests and hobbies (or what you were into as a kid), see what might come of this new self-discovery. Stop thinking about past years or lost years, think about all the possibility and excitement that lies ahead. It is when people really start thinking about themselves, who they are and what role they are playing in this world, that's when the transformation happens. People will calm down and find their way -- however slowly -- and we will all reap juicy fruits at the end of the road. But remember, the road is the adventure.

It's a matter of seeing the other side of the coin. Instead of asking yourself "why am I always sad", "why can't I be happy/normal/like everyone else", "what's wrong with me?", ask instead things like "how can I best solve this problem?", "what is best about this situation?", "what fun stuff could I do right now?" etc etc. That way your brain will go hunting for positive answers and store a lot of optimism in your subconscious instead of vice versa.

So... really look into your sadness. From your post, it seems there are quite a good few reasons to be sad, such as your anxious mum, world problems, low self-esteem etc etc. It's possible you're just an overly sensitive person (like myself!) -- and those kinds of people can end up becoming very satisfied artists, healers or therapists one day. I've used all the bad shit that's happened in my life and all the sadness I've felt, and turned it into something valuable in my healing practice. There is a 'true' you somewhere not too far away. Take some time to yourself to think, or discuss with close friends if you have anyone suitable, make mindmaps of your situation/brain/sadness/life, express yourself creatively, and MOST IMPORTANTLY: start focusing on what you have rather than what you have lost, and think what you can do instead of what you can't do. This is all it takes: some discipline and willpower at first, but then it becomes a habit. This is how change happens. The shift in focus is all there is to it, and then good things will follow. Every day you spend mulling over old troubles is another day you're denying yourself true happiness and joy in your life.

Just know that transformation IS possible! I promise you. In an everchanging universe, how could anything be constant?

Good luck finding your way!
Tangerine xxx

[Plumeria]

Tangerine, Thank you for your view and input. I guess I could have saved a little of your time by explaining how I got to the point of acknowledgement of my depression. I have had regular acupuncture treatments for almost 4 years now. Acupuncture has saved my life-actually no - my wonderful acupuncturist has saved my life. About a year into my treatments I decided to study acupuncture and have been a student for 2.5 years now (about 2 more to go) and the whole process has stired up my own mental, emotional, physical health issues. The beauty of Tradition Chinese medicine (including Herbs) is that the emotional connection to physical pain or other body symptoms are never an after thought or put in 2nd place for consideration. To summarize quickly the Chinese theory for emotions (like any other type of activity): its it healthy to experience ALL emotions (sadness, fear, joy, anger,worry) but in MODERATION. So when a patient gets stuck in an emotion (such as depression), this is when the needles and herbs come in a shake some shit up to get unstuck. My acupuncturist has never said "you have depression" which I think is a good thing because when I began treatments, I was running from doctors trying to throw anti-depressants at me to fix my physical pain that they could not find a source of - and they didnt know me well enough, so I thought they were being lazy. Back then, I was not in the right mind set to hear that word "depression." Lucky for me, with acupuncture you dont have to tell patients "I am now going to poke this needle in your skin here because you are depressed" they just quitely select points that help with the stuck emotional energy. Thats it. Its so simple and beautiful. She also encourages me to do things outside my comfort zone like eating more veges at breakfast and watching sad movies to induce crying (a particular healing process that I have personally avoided in the past).

So I can very much appreciate your ideas:

As soon as we fully acknowledge such things, we automatically raise the vibrations through our awareness, and we can a) lose the fear of the uncomfortable emotion and b) eventually lift it out of our system.

This is almost exactly how I have dealt with some smaller underlying issues in the past, and now I feel confidant that I can process and deal with my depression. I like to tell myself "this is only a feeling, not necessarily reality, I will honor this feeling - as they are MY feelings, but reality is not as bleak or scary as it FEELS."

It's possible you're just an overly sensitive person (like myself!) -- and those kinds of people can end up becoming very satisfied artists, healers or therapists one day. I've used all the bad shit that's happened in my life and all the sadness I've felt, and turned it into something valuable in my healing practice.

I think you are right about being overly sensitive, and I dont see it as a bad thing any more because I am on my way to become a healer myself. The best part is that I can better help those patients that struggle particualy with emotional/hormonal/mental complications and "stuckness" because I understand what its like on their end.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and feelings

[Plumeria]

Thank you so much manuel_moe_g. Its one of my biggest hurdles; to not diminsh my own pain just because its "not as bad as" someone else's pain. I try to remember that its not my job to put a value on everyone's pain.