So. Fucking. Angry.

[weary]

My wife and I had the nastiest, ugliest argument yesterday and last night that lasted until 6 am. I can't take it anymore and I'm finally expressing some pent-up rage and it's not pretty. I admit that I'm not doing it skillfully all the time, but even though I am trying to not be an asshole and be judgmental, it is hard to be perfect with it and even when I am not I am accused of it anyway. And she is angry and defensive and counterattacks, and we are not even playing under the same set of rules. Her behavior and the way she has done things and the choices she has made for years have hurt me tremendously and are continuing to hurt me to this day. I know that I bear some of the responsibility because I have been an enabler and codependent, but I am trying to assert myself and break out of this. And I have done some bad things too and done some things that have hurt her.

She says that she always thought we were a team. I used to think that we were a team, too. That's why I covered for her and helped her out when she was down over and over and over again. But after a while, I felt like I was being taken for granted and started feeling like a sucker, even though I "knew" that it was my responsibility and obligation to keep doing it. How were we a team when she hasn't had a job in 10 years and we have been deep in debt because of it? And for most of that time, I was doing more of the housework than her despite working full time while she was at home. How are we a team when I am stuck in her chaos of a messy house and her always being late and staying up all night because she has no capacity for time-management or organization? How are we a team when despite my attempts to accommodate her problems and work on my own, she does not follow her therapist's advice, does not take her medication properly, and undermines me by angrily contradicting things that my therapist and group tell me and getting mad when I make friendships with people from my group? How are we a team when she will never forgive me for things I did, but I am supposed to get over things that she did to hurt me because she couldn't help it and it wasn't her intention to hurt me... even though she is still doing those same things. She thinks that being a team means that we love and support and are cheerleaders for each other... except that in real life, there is more to a marriage than that - there is respect and consideration and people have to pay the fucking bills and put a roof over the head and food on the table and have health insurance to pay for her expensive meds and do the fucking laundry. We got into a huge fight over her picking up after herself. I don't know why I expect that she is going to start picking up her piles of shit all over the house after being married for 13 years. My old therapist, three years ago said that it is stupid to expect change in the face of that track record. Yet I am yelled and screamed at for making that argument, because she says she is changing and I can't expect change overnight. Overnight? She has been telling me I can't expect change overnight for years!!!!! And it's not like nothing has ever changed at all - some things have gotten better, others have gotten worse, and some have stayed the same. I am so fucking angry and so fucking alone and there is nothing that I can do about it. She has problems with depression and anxiety and low-self esteem - well guess what - so do I! So it's not fair that she gets a pass on everything and has no consequences for her choices in life but I have to not only suck it up and deal with my own shit but be burdened with hers as well. Fuck. That.

[SleepyNinja]

It's shitty that no one here could even take a minute to post a reply to you. Sometimes all you want in life is for someone to acknowledge you're in in pain/angry/sad.
If someone is not taking care of themselves and working with their therapist than, from my experience, it's a recipe for total disaster. Maybe even self sabotage.
Is there a third party,a mutual friend or family member that could talk to her? Maybe reminding each other of the times when you most enjoyed each other (first dates, getting married) could refresh some good emotions. Not that it would 'fix' things, but could help even a little.
Look, i'm just some guy posting on the internet.just tryin' to help.
hope things get better for you.

[weary]

Thanks. We do try to remind each other of the good times. And we still have good times. They are just punctuated by some really shitty ones. Thanks for replying.

It's shitty that no one here could even take a minute to post a reply to you. Sometimes all you want in life is for someone to acknowledge you're in in pain/angry/sad.
If someone is not taking care of themselves and working with their therapist than, from my experience, it's a recipe for total disaster. Maybe even self sabotage.
Is there a third party,a mutual friend or family member that could talk to her? Maybe reminding each other of the times when you most enjoyed each other (first dates, getting married) could refresh some good emotions. Not that it would 'fix' things, but could help even a little.
Look, i'm just some guy posting on the internet.just tryin' to help.
hope things get better for you.