I'm embarrassed to even admit how much this has taken over my life when I read about the serious struggles other people are going through. Yet here I am...
I'm angry that my ex became closer friends with people that I initially introduced him to, and the extended circle of some we met close to the same time (I had only known some a short while before I introduced them). I already have a really hard time developing close connections with people and I felt I was starting to with many of them, plus I hoped to. Some really awesome people that were good to me. But when I tried to end things, he pressured me to think about it - and ended up getting incredibly close with someone Ive known for a long time, and wanted to forge a solid close friendship with. Now to be fair, her own circumstances was a big life upheaval and he did offer support to her for that. I am glad that she had him, still not a fan he went that route, but I can't deny friendships...
Which is the next point. Because of FB he was easily connected to this group of people and of course invites would go out. Me feeling awkward not really wanting to go if he was going to be there. Even though I ended things, I still need to process - he's a good guy, just not for me. I figured in time it would be fine. But it's gotten worse.
Classic fears of people abandoning me or paranoia that I'm a topic of discussion, (toxic people I've had to cut out in the past actually did that a lot) feeling people aren't actually listening. Shit that shouldn't push someone over the edge has. So of course I feel guilty that I should just deal with it. It's gotten worse because I can't seem to stop lashing out at him for interacting with people. I was really hoping to keep some of these people as friends, but he talks to them frequently, makes plans (and actually lied to me about that...) and I actually deactivated my FB account because I was reacting so much to all those public interactions. Because I'm angry (then guilty) at him I'm definitely creating the path for me to lose everyone for good, yet I can't stop!
I keep thinking that I'm stunted because while I've had guys in my life, nothing serious in a long, long time. I was also working on my myself a lot and going to school - I get distracted easily
So am I just immature? I'm almost 32, I'm smart and pretty aware of just how easily my brain can get mixed up - yet this is way worse than I have ever been. And I've been really fucked over by people - didn't react quite like I am now. I am so afraid of losing some of these folks, who I've known for a while. I don't want him to be so close with them, yet I know anyone can be friends. I feel so stupid.
So juvenile & infantile & spazzy. This shit is nothing compared to what a lot of people deal with. I will most likely lose some friends simply because I can't trust myself to behave properly right now. Definitely no more contact with the ex from my end. I can't, I'm going to completely ruin relationships of all kinds. WTF is wrong with me!?!?!? Am I 12?!?!?!
*sorry about this, I just need to talk to someone and no one is around... I know it's dumb and I just need to deal. I also know the need for therapy of some sort has been decades building up, but $$ could be a problem :/