Social Anxiety Codependency and Depression

[JAC3]

growing up emotionally abused as a child I believed my feelings, anything I had to say, and my life was worthless
I'm a very shy person already, and social anxiety developed because of it, I have a hard time just talking to people let alone making friends. I haven't had anyone in my life I could call a best friend. I long to have a meaningful relationship with someone, I envy those who have friends they could talk to about anything. I think I can be interesting but I hold myself back from speaking up remembering my family and remembering no one cares about me.

I've only had 2 boyfriends in my life, both were serious and long term, which seemed like a miracle in itself, I guess they were just curious about the mysterious quiet girl. I felt like my happiness relied on being accepted and loved. Since I had no friends while I was in a relationship I regrettably admit I was unconditionally dependent on them even when I was treated badly. Now I'm alone again.

I fell like I'm in a Catch 22, I wish I could get over my social anxiety and be more open to others, but I want someone that I can be connected to and care about me immediately I'm afraid that will scare people away, and I'm afraid of getting close to someone again and be abandoned later

I'm a college student, everyone says its the best time in life, but for me it's just going to class and going home to my family that brings me down even more
I don't know if there is any kind of support for someone like me since my problem isn't serious compared to others, doesn't hurt anyone or myself other than just me feeling extremely depressed about myself and feeling of hopelessness about life

[nuveena]

I've been in that codependant wheelhouse. Still am, to a degree. Also female, also from an emotionally distant family, also went to school and then back home. What worked for me was jumping into a social scene. I started going to this bi-weekly club event and just kept going. I was quiet too. Didn't actually start talking to anyone right away. It took a couple of trips and then someone made a reference to Kids in the Hall and we bonded then and there. After that, I became friends with nearly everyone there and now consider them a part of my family.

If social events are too scary right now (and they can be, I remember), there are codependancy support groups that you can find in your area by looking it up online. I would start there. Go to a few meetings, maybe pick up some strategies; build and grow. You may end up making some friends for life and that will in turn give you the confidence you need to sift thru the various future boyfriends that may be assholes in disguise.

I wish I sould have taken that route. My path may sound nice, but I've hit quite a few bumps in the road (in the form of some really shitty boyfriends). Those bumps can sometimes derail your progress. Don't let it. Power thru girlfriend and you'll get to yourself in no time.

BTW- it is definitely true that we should work on ourselves first. Build that confidence so that you don't fall into a trap. I know what it's like to be codependant and in a relationship with someone who is abusive. Don't get caught up in all that.

[nuveena]

To make it easier, here is a link to Codependents Anonymous. You can participate in meetings online and there are various tools/resources that you may find helpful.



http://www.onlinecoda.net/



Good luck. I have hope for you. ^_^

[JAC3]

thank you nuveena for responding
Its very difficult for me right now, and I'm scared of putting myself out there
but I'll start by giving that online group a try

[nuveena]

Baby steps, sweets. The first step is often the scariest, but its downhill after that.

Take things day by day, or in this case meeting by meeting. Each one that you participate in will get easier.

A lil story-

Ok, so it's not about the meetings, but when I started a gym membership, I was getting diminishing returns when doing the workout on my own. I was extremely interested in attending the group workout classes (in this case, step aerobics). I was terrified. I kept thinking "i'm going to look stupid. i don't belong here. i don't know any of the moves." So I started slowly. I lurked for a few sessions to get a grasp on what was involved. Then, by watching, I realized that no one gives a damn about my insecurities. They were all so rapt by the class or wrapped up in their own insecurities. Class after class, the moves got easier and soon I was doing the "advanced" moves with no problem. Even had to add another step.

I guess the point is, I know how scary/intimidating it can be to jump in with both feet. Remember, no one will expect you to go full throttle right away and the more you are willing to put yourself out there, the more you will benefit. I don't even mean man hunting or looking for BFFs. That social interaction will evolve into something you actively crave once you become comfortable. Starting out online is great because you don't have any of the face-to-face pressure that you can put on yourself. If you start feeling overwhelmed, you can very easily click that little X and everything will be okay. However, I am hoping that if that does happen that you give it another chance when you're ready.

You are the only one who knows your comfort level and what you can handle at any given time. I am rooting for you to not give up.

Good luck and it will get better. After a storm is a rainbow, right? Now where's that pot o' gold...

[Kittieface]

I'm with nuveena on this one! You can do it!

My social anxiety comes and goes. For me the best thing I can do is size people up quietly and then throw my cards on the table if I think they can handle it.

I recently made a new friend in my dance class. At first I was barely able to talk to him. We started with hi's and bye's. Then we walked to the subway together. And then one day after this "after dance routine" I told him I wanted to hang out sometime but I have social anxiety and going out freaks me out. And he kinda laughed it off in a nice friend way. And we exchanged numbers and the first time we hung out was in a small group at my place. We had take out and watched random stuff online. And slowly it built to being comfortable just calling him to see what's up. It's a slow build when you're unsure.

Trust is a big issue. That feeling you get where you're worried that person's going to turn around and just disappear.. What about all the things you told them, and did they really mean everything they said to you. In elementary school I liked this boy, but he was dating one of the popular girls. And they planned to trick me. He came to me and told me he liked me and he wanted to be my boyfriend. At that time it meant waving to each other in the hallway more or less. But still.... I was SOOOOOOOOOO excited. And then at the end of the day he and his friends came running up to tell me it was all a big joke. I cried sooooo much. And I think that same fear still haunts me at times.

But I can't let that rule my life. This isn't grade school.. it's the real world now. And anyone who will hurt you without caring is better off lost in the end.

But there are some fantastic people out there! Just by coming on here and letting out how you feel is a big step! And it's awesome that you took that! It's going to mean more to you than anyone else in the end.

A support group is probably a good idea. Online friends can be a good start. I'll go ahead and volunteer myself if you need to let some things off your chest! I'll never judge what you're saying. Everything you feel is valid for one reason or another. What it's going to come down to is what you choose to feel today. Once you get a handle on that you'll be on an upward spiral. You can do it!!

[Cherry_Iceee]

The best advice i can offer is getting a job working with the public. My social anxiety was so bad before i got a job working as a cashier that i would only give you one word answers "yes no maybe" sometimes maybe was even too much cause it was two syllables. I hated when employees in stores would come up to me ask if i needed help. I would spend three hours in a store until i found what i needed just so i didnt have to ask for any help, or talk to anyone. I had jobs that were crappy crappy just so i could stay behind the counters cooking or being a janitor. After nearly killing my body being a janitor i went and got a cashier job at the dollar store. It was awful my first year there. I said nothing more than hi and how much you owed. it didnt help that majority of the people were non english speaking people and having to figure out what they wanted. I found a different job cashiering. This company was big into customer service and i worked alone. so it was really up to me to help the customer to talk to the customer. You HAD to greet and thank the customer. i said Hi and have a good one when they left. the shortest smallest answer i could give. The next year i knew my job well i knew the regular customers well. I ventured out to ask about thier day or they would tell me things about thier lives and id ask about how that went.
Fast forward four years later i will chatter away to just about anyone. I will ask for help in stores i will tell you what sort of bitch you are if youre not offering very great customer service.. Usually you have to be really really bad before i will call you that. I wouldve never said anything took your abuse and left before. I enjoy people i enjoy watching them. Im amazed about what will get people so upset. People amuse me.
The only catch is you learn about people but people dont learn alot about you. The customer doesnt care if you had a bad day or life they dont care. But working that sort of industry, its alot easier for me to put myself out there, to try to make friends. I dont think group therapy is anything i would do for awhile. Im not sure even now where i am socialable i would particpate. It takes me a long time to warm up to a person. and then to share feelings that i dont do well with to begin with i dont think i could do that. I could sit and listen and intake all around me but to participate it would scare me and it would depend on the size of the group. it would have to be small. Eventually you will say or do something though that someone will find interesting, and want to know you better. The worse thing you can do is wonder what do they see in me. Im crazy im this im that. Just go with it eventually youll find out why they wanted to know you better. Id start with safe things to talk about favorite food or book or favorite music. Find some common ground keep it superficial for awhile. Eventually once you feel comfortable you can slowly wade into the muddy waters of your life. But start in the shallow end. You also learn to read people working with the public. If some one gets scared by what you say let them be scared let them get back to you. If they really love you or care about you they will try to help you some may ignore what you said, you can bring up again if you notice they just ignored it. Just say something to the effect youve been shy since i told you this, im sorry i shocked you and you might not know what to say. that should open a flood gate. If they still cant get past that or still act wierd then they arent really worth your time unless you like the superficial stuff. Eventually you will find others that wont be so skittish they will still love you and will support you. it just takes time. If they cant handle what you say they arent worth it to fight to keep them around, let them go fuck themselves, no matter how hard it might be to let go of that human connection. its just not worth it.