Sexual abuse: podcast helped me realize.

[oak]

I am a 36 year old, heterosexual man.

The podcast survey answer of "Something happened but I don't know what to call it" has really resonated with me.

About 25 years ago, when I was in sixth grade, I remember, however hazily, that my teacher was sexually inappropriate to me. She never touched me, and I can't explain anything today, but I know she said inappropriate things to me. Perhaps I've repressed the memories. Perhaps, as I was just entering puberty then, I did not have the language for sexuality that I understand today.

For almost 20 years after that, from age 11 to 29, I was a sexual person but did not give off healthy sexual energy: people responded to me as if I was asexual. Around age 30 I learned healthy and mature ways to express my sexual attraction to women: grooming, showing a genuine interest in others, learning about healthy female response (especially from Nancy Friday).

Recently I confided the above to a close family member. The first words out of that person's mouth: "Are you sure that happened?" I resent this person for saying that, after this person said I could tell them "anything".

Mr. Gilmartin has given me the voice and the courage to say that, yes, something happened. The sixth grade me would not have made something like that up. Whatever happened was outside of my understanding.

Many of these feelings (and other traumas) have come to the surface since I have been sober for a few years now. I sense much more: I enjoy tastes, smells, and colors much more.

But I also am dealing with these things I had almost forgotten.

Even typing this here is a big deal for me.

Thanks for listening.

[Kittieface]

I know how hard it is to get things like this off your chest.

I was molested by a neighbor a few years older than me. And it filled me with horrible feelings and memories. I can remember myself exerting the same force and the same acts on other kids later on. It absolutely pains me to think that I may have fucked someone up unintentionally, by acting out on things that were once done to me. When I think about it it still feels so wrong.

But you're right, at that age we don't have the vocabulary to understand these things. It's digested in the most repressive way. It's only in the last year where I confronted what my neighbor did to me. My therapist had me talk to a doll. It was the most awkward thing I'd ever done in therapy. But honestly, it worked. I was remembering things about my neighbor I had forgotten. Like how she slipped down the driveway once and broke her arm and I was HAPPY. I was happy she hurt herself because she always hurt me. I felt some kind of satisfaction in that. And then forgot about it for 20 years. I remembered specific situations, and things she'd make me do. I remembered her last name.. I remembered things she'd said to me. It all resurfaced and was really ugly and relieving all at once.

I'm really happy you can get this off your chest. Don't ever let anyone talk you out of acknowledging what happened. If you feel it, and you remembered it and it affected you then it's something that you need to look at in detail. Face it, forgive it, thank it and let it go. That good old saying, "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." That got me through about 10 years of my life.

There's a lot of imageries or ways you can go back to the situation and take from it. Learn from it, change the ending. That's one my therapist does with me too. Go back to the situation and picture myself taking my power back. Telling that person that they can't treat me that way. But always out of a place of love, to not further any resentment.

It could do you some good to find a professional you're comfortable with to guide you through something like that. Feel free to pick my brain if anything.

<3

[oak]

Kittie, thank you for your encouragement; it means alot.

My experience sadly reflects the stereotypical outcomes for a situation like this:

When the victim tries to tell a trusted friend years later, the victim's story is doubted, minimized, or told to "just get over it".

Even more sadly, my abuser is still in a work position to be in authority of children.

Since I posted yesterday, I have reached out to more friends. After the first five or so minimized/denied my experience, I am happy to report that two friends accepted what I had to say at face value.

I feel freer and lighter after being honest about what happened to me. I will certainly consider therapy and any other healing efforts.

My abuser relied on silence and shame. Today I am a grown man who is not a victim, but that boy who was abused was/is a victim. I certainly have a newfound empathy for women who have experienced sexual abuse.

I don't know what my future holds, but I want to decrease the shame and hiding I carried around for a long time. I want to heal.

Thanks again, Kittie.

[Kittieface]

Absolutely my pleasure!!!

I am so happy you found people to open up to! It's so important to connect with others. And you kept trying!! That's great!
I know a lot of people would get shut down once and that'd be it.

As for the comment of women and sexual abuse.
Not that I'm implying you meant this. But I think there may just be a greater number of women who come forward about being sexually abused. Men tend to have this stigma of "boys don't cry" No emotions - man up. I'm really happy to see that you're not letting your "predestined gender role" stop you from letting things like this out.

I hope you feel perpetually better

[Jenny Jump]

Thanks for sharing, everyone. It's hard to open up those old cans of worms. So much sadness.

I think the hardest part about being a survivor is how the abuse shitstains one's sexuality. I don't think the abuse has anything to do with my queerness or polyamorous nature, but it does have a ton to do with how I value myself. For example, I have this core value system that believes the only part of me that is worth sharing is my sexual side, because that's the only thing I have to contribute to the world. I know deep down this is some insane heavy bullshit, but it just seems to be so embedded in my self worth that I feel like I'll never get rid of that gross part of me. I'm covered in scar tissue.

But I have hope that one day I'll be able to get beyond that, that the last thing I'll think of as a societal contribution is my sexual self. I hope this share made some sense.

[Kittieface]

Of course it did! It was how you felt!

You know what I've noticed on this forum is that whenever I see that someone commented on a post I'm in, I have this very quick moment when I think they're going to call me out on my bullshit. "Fuck you, you don't know shit!" Kind of thing...
But I always take a deep breath and when I open the post it's always the kindest words. This place is restoring my faith in humanity.

Not to stray off topic. I just wanted to point that out.

I know we'll be better people for coming out with all of this.
It'll be nice one day when we're all old and wise and awesome. And the msg board is nothing but happy stories lol.
That's what I'm gunning for <3

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oak,

I believe you. Why would you make it up? Children don't imagine sexual vibes from adults. Maybe the other way around. Making it up makes no sense. Not even for attention. We have other, much easier ways to get attention. Of course when It comes to my story, I still hear that voice in my brain. "LIar. Exaggerator. Baby!" Isn't it weird how we can believe someone else, but sometimes not believe ourselves and we were there.

I think with a parent as the perpetrator, it's so hard because there are sometimes memories of kindness that they showed as well and it's so hard for those two images to sit side by side.

My mom has always lavished praise on me to the point of it making me uncomfortable, and I'm just now beginning to look at her actions, not her words. And there is a stark contrast. It makes me wonder if the lavish praise is a way for apologizing without having to address what she actually did.

Person after person, therapist after therapist tell me what she did constitutes sexual abuse but I still can't wrap my head around it because it hurts so much to think I would be viewed so coldly by the woman who gave birth to me and was supposed to protect me. And because for 4 decades, I simply didn't think females were capable of sex abuse.

But I remember reading occasional stories in the paper about women who sexually abused and having to immediately read every word of it. Like something inside me that I didn't yet understand was struggling to breathe and those stories were oxygen.

And Kittieface, thank you for your honesty. I hope you can forgive yourself, because you were a child who was being abused.

I don't know if this is fucked up or not, but I feel a little shot of hope with every story I hear that someone else was abused by a female. I'm not happy that it happened to them, but I guess I'm happy that it's one more grain of sand in the pile that weighs on the side of "I might not be exaggerating".

Here's another thing that's kind of weird. Once I finally opened myself to the possibility that she was being sexually abusive and all that pain came gushing forward, I suddenly had a new sexual fantasy that I had never really entertained before. It's that I'm in that same situation (my mom giving me a bath and I'm about 12), but instead of her, it's an older neighborhood girl babysitter taking advantage of me, but I know what she's doing and like it and she comforts me afterwards. I guess that's my way of going back and having control.

In fact I think getting aroused in the bathtub was my way of trying to have some control. Because originally my reaction was "Yuck, I'm too old for that. Is my Mom tricking me?" Then I quickly banished that thought for 35 years. I didn't understand why I was getting erection around my mom. I was horrified and thought I was a pervert. Shortly after that I acted out sexually and didn't understand where it came from. I never put the two together until this year.

I've been thinking about talking about this on the podcast, but I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it so openly just yet.

Wow, I didn't expect to write a book, but as you can tell I have a lot of emotion attached to the subject. And Jenny thanks for your support as well.

Paul

[IceLupus]

oak,
I can commiserate with you. I was sexually molested when I was a boy. (I posted a new thread with most of my story). When I finally broke down and faced that fact I confided in my family. My mother seems to believe me though she seems to be hesitant to discuss it. My older sis flat out called me a liar and blamed me further for "her" father leaving. My uncles, both of which are maternal, just shrugged and didn't say anything directly. I overheard one saying to the other later, however, that it's sad I have to make up such a story to get attention.
I have confided in a few friends about what happened and now I have only one truly close friend, aside from my fiance'. Some believed me, I think. Other outright blew me off thinking I was a dramatic freak looking for sympathy. It has taken a long time to even get up the nerve to tell people my story. But, thanks to the podcast I now know I am not alone.
I have also realized that if my "friends" were truly my friends they would know me better. I do hope that you find your peace in this world and realize that you are not alone.

[oak]

Thanks to Mr. Gilmartin, kittie, jenny, and ice.

I appreciate hearing that others have gone through the same thing, and found some healing on the other side.

I am very grateful that I live in a time where:

1. Men can awknowledge hurt, and healing.

2. We have the technological means to communicate in such a forum as this.

I realize the following sounds crazy:

As much as my abuser took from me, she also gave me something.

Part of me wants sex from her, as if she owes me. It would be consensual, but I would dominate.

And the thing is, in real life she is not at all my type: she is an old lady and not at all my type.

And part of me wants to have consensual sex with her just for fun. As if we have a bond, even though it is a fucked up bond, or maybe exactly because it is fucked up.

If I could travel back in time the 36 year version of me would know exactly how to seduce and dominate her.

Need I mention how dirty I feel typing that?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Oak and IceLupus,

Thank you both for sharing that. I think airing all the mental and emotional baggage that comes with being exploited is really helpful to talk about, not only for ourselves but for other people struggling to understand it.

Paul