Perfectionism and Guilt

[ms_depression707]

Does anyone else beat themselves up every time they make a mistake? I made a fairly minor mistake that I'm harping over. I'm judging entries for an online essay writing contest and I missed over a bunch of pages that I was supposed to grade. The person who submitted the entry asked about it and I realized that I had made the mistake. The thing is, my boss has gotten really mad at me in the past for other things and almost fired me over them. So now I have this insane worry that every time I make a mistake, from small to large, that I'm going to lose my job. I'm almost 6 months pregnant with baby #3 and I need the job, and I'm so mad at myself for doing something so stupid.

I'm sitting in this limbo land right now just waiting for my boss to respond and I'm getting totally anxious about it. I can't make dinner, work or anything until I hear back. It's like my life is on hold and I have this dread sitting over me just waiting. And the thing is, after I hear back, I'll probably still feel like crap - it's like PTSD.

This probably sounds like the stupidest post in the world but I don't feel like I can talk to anyone else about it. I just want it to be night time so I can go to sleep and forget about it all.

[Steve]

I used to worry about the same sort of things. Now, I pretty much take the attitude that "if it does happen, it was meant to be and there is something better for me". I think it takes time in one's life to get to that point however. After you have enough life experience (I'm 54) you have enough stuff happen to you that you finally realize that the worry is MUCH worse than reality 99% of the time.

[remarks]

I have this strange thing where I beat myself up over the little, dumb mistakes that I make, but tend to ignore when I screw up big time. For example, one of the times I remember being the maddest at myself was when I locked my keys in the car outside of a restaurant. I beat myself up for days over that and my then girlfriend (now wife) just couldn't understand why is was a big deal. Her argument was that everybody makes little mistakes like this. All I had to do was call my uncle and ten minutes later, he had my door opened. No real harm done.

Yet, I tell myself that I am better than this. I should not make the dumb little mistakes that the average person does. Perhaps its the fear of being judged or looked at as just another screw up by the people around me. Not sure, but it is frustrating as hell.

[fifthsonata]

Definitely not alone on this one. I revisit stupid mistakes I made years ago - which are a lot because I'm still young, meaning the stupid teenage mistakes are still fresh in my brain (when you have the legitimate excuse of saying "Hey, my frontal lobes weren't fully developed!", haha).

I've found the best way to deal with them is talk. Vent to a friend, talk to someone face-to-face. It helps tremendously with perfectionism. When you talk to people who aren't obsessed with the same things you are, it helps you keep a more rational perspective on them (and of course you can do the same for your friends )

[Acadian Driftwood]

Oh boy, I do this all the time. If I make a small and understandable mistake, it just blows up in my mind and ruins my mood for at least a half hour, sometimes the whole day. Examples: On a long car trip, pull over to take a nap, leave the lights on, battery dies. Drop plate of food I just made on the floor. Call someone the wrong name. Make a misstep on a sewing project. Forget a meeting time.
I am really trying to get better about this, and my partner is helping me. We made a rule that we are no allowed to verbally abuse ourselves, ie: "I suck. I am terrible. Why am I the worst." If one of us catches the other saying that, we will gently remind them not to say those things, and say, "You don't suck, you just drop something." or "You just made a little mistake, it happens to people all the time, you are a good person." I know it sounds kind of hokey, but it really helps me not get sucked into cycles of negative thinking.

AC

[ididthatonce]

Totally. I once went into the bathroom at work and full-scale sobbed because I had sent some paperwork by ground instead of overnighting it. I sent this long apology to my boss explaining the whole thing and saying that I understand if he's upset and it will never ever ever happen again. He just replied with, "it's not a big deal." I was convinced that I would get fired over it, though. (Keep in mind that this is an office where people yell at each other over minor mistakes... not a great place for an emotionally sensitive person.)

The weird thing is, I'm not this hard on anyone else. If someone else makes a mistake, even a major one, I tell them that it's not a problem before they can even apologize. In my mind, other people are allowed to make mistakes because they're only human. But I'm not because every mistake I make reveals that I'm a bad person.

[Ell]

I very much relate to this. The perfectionism, the roar of criticism and embarrassment after every little slip (including, if the knot of terror in my stomach as I consider submitting this post is any indication, the wave of shame and frustration that will hit as soon as I submit this and think of a more eloquent, funnier, smarter, or better way to put it). The certainty that mistakes reflect weakness and rottenness. The fear of those awful feelings sometimes paralyzing me into inaction, keeping me from attempting even the simplest of things like sending an email or returning a purchase. The anxiety that spurs me to check and re-check and re-re-re-re-re-check the things I do manage to start. The exhaustion and sadness of feeling that nothing will ever be good enough, and the bitterness and resentment of knowing I hold this gaping double standard between myself and others. The guilt that overtakes me when I realize that I must be holding myself to a higher standard because I think I'm less fallible than others, and the painful confusion that follows when I feel like an even more worthless, selfish piece of shit than I did when I first made the mistake.

The cycle is unproductive and irrational, and it's been torturing me for as long as I can remember. It's even worse in areas where there aren't clear rules defining mistakes, like social situations. But I need to start getting comfortable with my flaws and my screw ups. All of them, from the trivial to the grave. I don't really know how. It's scary to even begin.

One thing I've found helpful is this commencement speech given by Anna Quindlen at Mt. Holyoke (http://www.mtholyoke.edu/news/stories/5683096). I encourage you to take a few minutes to read it. At one point, she says, "Most commencement speeches suggest you take up something or other: the challenge of the future, a vision of the twenty-first century. Instead, I'd like you to give up...Give up the nonsensical and punishing quest for perfection that dogs too many of us through too much of our lives. It's a quest that causes us to doubt and denigrate ourselves, our true selves, our quirks and foibles and great leaps into the unknown...Listen to that small voice from inside you, that tells you to go another way." I hope her words can give you a little bit of comfort or a push in the direction of fighting to quiet those critical voices.

Or, at the very least, know that you are absolutely not alone. Sending my love and support.

[Livian82]

You've basically just described my whole life as it is right now, for some reason I've developed an insane, irrational obsession with making mistakes, especially at work. I'm even afraid of simply being taken out of context or misconstrued through simple omission. I obsess about every word I said or if I've processed something correctly. I've been doing the same job four years and for some reason my confidence has just diminished over time. I go home almost every day wondering if I'm going to get an email or a call about a misquote or misinformation I may have given. Horrible thing is I have to see some of the glaring mistakes other people make and that just makes me more afraid. While they're all prepared to go screw it, I cannot let even the simplest slip go. I find it insane there's people I work with who have literally cost our company tens of thousands of dollars in one hit (I work in insurance) and still have their job.

I don't really understand how it's gotten to this point which makes it harder to work on. It really is end of the world stuff for me. Last month I'd taken so many calls I was answering queries in my own dreams. I think the other issue is too I've let my personal life pretty much deteriorate into a patten on internet and sleep I have nothing to really remove me from work completely.

[Ell]

Livian82, I hear you. Sometimes the system seems to reward the completely wrong people. Unfortunately, we usually just have to put up with it. I hope you give yourself a reward for your hard work, even if your boss or coworkers won't. And boy, do I relate to being worried about making mistakes doing the things you've practiced for years. I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. I hope you try to give yourself a break, allow yourself the time and energy to try to work on your personal life. To really create boundaries around your work and allow yourself space to decompress. I struggle with this very thing, but the worse it gets the more convinced I am that it's worth examining and trying to change it. Sending you a big hug. Hope things get better soon.

[Livian82]

Thank you so much Ell your reply means so much. I actually called a suicide prevention line tonight and your comment has helped me a hell of a lot more than they did. So thanks. Not suicidal just pushed to the limit. Think I might just come here next time I feel bad xxx
HUGS!