Letting anyone in

[ghughes1980]

How does one begin to even let another person in to your mess when you can't stand to be with yourself? I've had this problem all my life and I can't see a solution. How can sexuality even be determined if people in general just make me shiver? I am simultaneously elated and disgusted by the though of being completely alone. On the one hand I don't have people bothering me about this thing or that thing but as a human I also crave contact. I don't seem to get it. How am I supposed to work this? Every interaction with people I'm faking it. trying to "appear" to be normal but if it feels false to me I can only imagine what it actually looks like to others. I can recall one instance in High School this guy brushed me while walking to his table and I completely spazed out. His reaction: "WTH was done to you?" "My response: "I don't know!" After years in therapy and a final realization that it's PTSD how does that help? If I'm so broken that I can't let anyone touch me and every social interaction being a giant chore that I agonize over both pre and post contact. How do I have any sort of relationship that isn't dysfunctional and completely my fault because I'm not able to "get it"? How do I explain to someone that I don't know what they want/need from me because the concept of intimacy is alien? That my development of that learned behavior was stunted at such an early time in my life so any contact at all causes me distress. Every time I go outside now I'm completely in my head if there is any sort of interaction with someone else I'm sure I come off as being annoyed at the interruption of my inner monologue. So what to do?

[Fredbo]

Sometimes words fail... I can only say that I kinda know how you feel. If people cause you anxiety perhaps you should start bonding with a cat or dog. I have four cats and there is something about them, an empathy for lack of a better word. (Christ, I'm a crazy cat person!!!) They are one of the few things in my life that make me "happy."

...and I'm glad you're here!

[MizLzie]

I know the feeling. I have been on my own for a very long time and until recently the last "long term, serious" relationship I had was when I was 18 - 21 (lived with him) and now over a decade ago. People would constantly tell me "don't worry, you'll find someone" when they would ask if I was dating. Problem was - I wasn't worried at all. I chose to be single for that time, sure there were interactions here & there, but I wasn't actively seeking a boyfriend. So when I started dating someone late 2011, people were SO excited for me, like the fact that I "finally" had a BF made me a better person. Ended things last fall and sure enough he tried to use the fact I was single for "so" long to suggest that I didn't know what I was doing. That because I hadn't had a BF, that I couldn't be trusted to make a decision about how I felt.

I relate as frankly? I couldn't be bothered to be constantly letting people in. I like my friends and I LOVE my alone time. But I do recognize that I most likely have a very hard time with intimacy as well. At least intimacy that expands beyond a short term "fun" time. But it really hurts to hear people think that there's something wrong with me because I'm not actively hunting for "a man".

Sorry if this is rambly and doesn't really fit. All I know is that it's frustrating to be looked at like something is wrong because I choose to not be serial dating.

My cat keeps me sane though. I don't know what I would do without her, so Fredbo has a point. Any sort of bond can help when making others I think.

[AlmostWell]

I don't understand how it can be PTSD if you've had this all your life? Obviously, this is not the place to diagnose or do a full psych assessment, so do not take this next part as anything but a very very slight hunch based on minimal data.

My wife went her whole life describing very similar things. In fact, she has used many of the exact same phrases: "faking interactions" and "being elated" at being alone. She also has a trauma history, but her PTSD stuff was really a heightening of stuff that was already there to begin with. We did a LOT of researching and reading and going to therapists. Turns out she has Asperger's Disorder, which appears VERY differently in females than in males (which is what the DSM diagnostic criteria are based upon). Once she got the diagnosis, it allowed her to accept herself as she really was instead of being ashamed of her differences. It has helped our relationship immensely too as I know how to better deal with her more interesting aspects.

If you are willing to go down this path, google Rudy Simone, who has written a lot about "Aspergirls" as she calls it. If the shoe fits, it might be worth your while to see a therapist with knowledge in that particular area. If I am wrong, I apologize if this is presumptious.

Good luck!

[ghughes1980]

Well I was in and out of hospitals from day one to 15 years old, always involving invasive procedures/and or physical therapy so people/things touching me is very uncomfortable. My best guess is traumatic pain and such at an early age caused me do disassociate quite a bit and huge chunks of my childhood are just missing. The farthest back I think I can recall is snapshots from 3rd grade. Now I repeated 2nd grade and started a year later than everyone else so I was probably 10 before I can honestly remember being present in a memory. The sad part is the most vivid memories I have are not positive ones. Waking up one day in third grade convinced I was going to die, being sent off to school after only being able to hold down a banana. Making it half way through attendance before excusing myself to some protest from the teacher. Barely making it to the toilet before expelling the aforementioned fruit. A bully being in the bathroom at the time. Being hassled about what was wrong. After seeing the look on my face I clearly remember his face going just white as he looked in the un-flushed toilet and he bolted to my class to get the teacher. I remember clearly the teacher asking what was wrong and my response after that meeting my dad at the office and getting into the car then nothing until after the surgery. I have a few home movies kicking around so I was "there" for events but recalling any of this stuff is just black most of the time.

Read the Body dysmorphia thread I started for the whole story. So sensation also plays a part in my discomfort even with basic things like clothing etc. Everything feels off in general on the right side of my body. (The left side is "normal" so I do have a sort of instant comparison on how I feel on any given day.) Things in hospitals ie needles and sterile bandages will set me off into irrational panic attacks etc. Recently I though I was having a relapse and worked myself into a major panic attack on top of what turned out to be a migraine. When the emt guys brought me into the hospital and started their tests the panic got exponentially worse. Damn florescent lights triggered some serious primal fear of what would be next and I just sort of disappeared into the ether really disassociating. I can recall a bit of the CT scan they did and some of the questions they asked but really I was there for a good 5 hours and don't remember much so I was pretty out of it.

[AlmostWell]

That sounds like quite the burden. I am sorry if I was presumptuous.

The only support I can give you is to wish that you find peace with yourself. Whatever the reason may be, whether it's psychological, biological, neurological, etc., you are different from other people. I hope that you learn to appreciate your differences and live a worthwhile life based on your wants and needs, not what others may tell you. No matter what our differences are, we all matter. We are all good. We are all important. You may not be able to see it now, but it's true.

[Cherry_Iceee]

I used to be quite a bit like you. I like people now but before... Wow I kept everyone at a distance no one knew the real me the inner me. The tormented damaged me. For the longest time you just didn't touch me. If you touched me it sent me into an inner panic. There were a few people I eventually came to trust. but it took years and years. I like the suggestion about the animals. I always had always will trust cats, dogs any animal really over any human any day. I also kept journals after journals of thing. Ive always enjoyed observing people. and the few friends I had I would observe and write about and figure them out. It was like I was studying an animal. I had a family I hung out with but in my eyes at that time they were this perfect little family. Their ways about life was sooo much different than I had ever known. When the dad would invite his youngest to sit in his lap it would give me horrible anxiety until I realized he was a dad just loving his kid cuddling his baby. this was litterly a foreign concept to me. to see a dad hold his daughter invite his daughter on his lap and no have it be sexual. They hugged and kissed each other goodbye. they told each other they loved each other and you knew if you messed with one there would be 7 or more to back you up and save your ass. totally weird stuff. I eventually came to trust them. and even let the dad hug me and touch me. Not in any bad ways but like a dad would rest his hands on the shoulders as you walked ahead of him. nudge ya in the side when you said something clever. one of the first people and first man I came to trust. It took time and a lot of watching them to get to know them before I could even say I trusted them or even opened up to them.
I know theres still things today they don't know about me and I don't want to share that with them. I also know they aren't this perfect little family. sadly to say we don't have much to do with each other anymore. but Gary (the dad) will always hold a special place in my heart for showing me what a real dad should be like.
I also trust women faster than I do men. I like human connections but most people don't have much patients with me cause im very closed down and don't let to many people in right away. I am sociable and things but if you want it on a deeper a level that's going to take time. I am not sure about intimacy either. If its with the right person its good and feel wonderful to make that deep level of commitment but most times it just disgusts me. I don't like it. it usually just freaks me out and makes me want to run. Most of my friends all got married while we were our twenties. I hadn't even began to date. nor did I even want to make that sort of move. Me be alone with a man me be sexually intimate with a man? nooo way in hell did I ever think id even date that alone all the other crap.
Most of my friends the ones that I kept mostly in the dark about my past swore I was probably a lesbian. if not a lesbian than there was something wrong with me. i don't know why people think they need a man to be happy. or like having some one is a huge accomplishment. let me tell ya when i finally decided to wade into the waters of the dating games I heard a lot of omg so your not gay. and wow good for you like i graduated school or pooped in the potty and i was four years old. it was just ridiculous. I totally enjoy being alone and I have sworn from the time i was ten that i didn't want to be married ever and certainately didn't want kids. Im not sure why society thinks this is not okay. I am happy to date and i have dated and lived with someone but gladly that's coming to an end. and i am happy to go back to being alone. I like being able to do what i when i want and how i want to. I guess i waded into those waters to try to be normal. to be what society thinks i should be. I am learning he wasn't the one and i don't think im cut out for relationships.
My advice would be to keep it superficial just do things with people that you like like going to shows or out to eat keep it all light. eventually you will get to trust them more and more. but always observe what they say and how they talk about others if they are badmouthing some one more than likely you will become the one that's being talked about down the line. As for the other crap i just stayed in the shallow end for a long long time. watched listened observed and learned along the way. Never be alone for too long with yourself i know when ive been alone too long is when i start answering myself. Be patient it takes time to trust. Sometimes you wind up trusting the wrong people. When that happens it will seem like you will be back at square one and think all people are assholes and all people bad. But eventually you get yourself out of that by saying hopefully next time ill choose better people. Ill listen more understand more.

[ghughes1980]

This week on the Totally Married podcast they read a letter from a guy in my exact situation. Not sure if I would take the "writer-inner's" stance but it was I guess a bit comforting to know someone else is tackling this too.