The Ventilation Station: vent your mommy woes here

[Jenny Jump]

This is the place where you can talk about how hard it is to be a mom with depression. The other two threads in here are fine, they're just kind of specific. Let's talk about the every day struggles we have as mothers with mental illness. I'll start.


I feel like I should be a better mother. Yell less, love more. Sometimes I get so impatient I lose control. Then I have to go through the steps of admitting my wrong doing to two little children. Telling them I'm sorry with out them understanding what is truly wrong with me. I try to keep my shit together and do most of the time, but they aren't responsible for my happiness, or my depression. What do some of you do to take care of yourselves? I'm forcing myself to take me time, even if it is as little as 20 minutes a day to do something just for me so I can keep my head on straight. When my depression flares up, forget it. I have to really rely on my spouse to care for the kids while I hide under the covers.

My children are 3 and 5, both really needy ages. I chose to have them, so sometimes I find myself stuffing because I don't feel like I have the right to be overwhelmed as a parent, because I signed up for this. I don't know where this "suck it up" mentality comes from, but I don't like it.

So here's what I've been wanting to do. When I want to yell, I tickle them. I get us out of the house. I try to do crafts with them. I read to them. I love them. I know as a sober parent, that I'm not reliving the cycle of parenting that my own mother practiced on me.

I hope that all made sense.

[RationalMuse]

Parenting in and of itself sometimes feels like a prolonged mental illness all on its own! I have two daughters, 9 & 12. They have never had a mother that wasn't on anti-depressants. Mommy has her "happy pills" in the morning to keep her brain working. As the girls get older they learn more about why I take anti-depressants and I try to model for them the strategies that help me keep the depression at bay, cope when it takes hold and laugh about it whenever we get a chance.

All that aside, dealing with being a parent period has been as stressful sometimes as dealing with my depression at its worse. Being self aware, educated on how people think, the brain develops, works and doesn't work, learns and changes, just isn't enough when my daughter has her own kind of crazy - this isn't fair rant or you can't make me do that...

Mommy Time Outs have been a life saver for them - since I don't have locks on my kid's doors, giving them a time out in their rooms from age 2+ has been as much work for me as punishment for them. On the other hand locking myself in the bathroom to pee all by myself or in my room (length of time depending on age of kids) has been essential.

I love the idea of tickling instead of yelling. You don't need YouTube to know those giggles work wonders. Now, I will play video of them being silly or laughing and we all can get in a better mood quicker. Having a CD or playlist with totally up beat, can't help but sing or dance to music has saved many a grumpy school day morning; same thing in the car. Blaring Twist and Shout by the Beatles drowns out tattle telling from the back seat, whining and Mommy can yell as loud as she wants (often with made up lyrics to suit the moment). One of our favourites was music from the Buffy Musical episode, with my then 2 yr old yelling "Bunnies, Bunnies, it must be Bunnies!"

Great idea for a thread. I am sure I will be back. That's one thing parenting has taught me, there will be more of whatever it is, good, bad, ugly or simply insane, just around the corner AND there isn't a medication for it either.

[Jenny Jump]

Thanks for your response, rational muse!

[MamaCarolyn]

Motherhood is hard enough…add mental illness and it is almost impossible sometimes. I have suffered from depression since age 12. I've been on medication for 10 years and it has done so much for me.

For me, yoga has been the next step in my mental health. I go 3 times a week, and I feel guilty every time I leave my 4-year-old and 7-year-old daughters at home, but it is worth it! Yoga has given me moments of bliss….something new for me.

The thing I'm trying to accept about motherhood is that I'm going to fuck up. There is an infinite list of things that I "should" be doing, but it is impossible to do everything.

[RationalMuse]

Coping with my pre-teen daughter going all PMS, while I am off work on stress leave and burnout from workplace harassment for months that led up to me taking leave is something I didn't expect would be SO HARD. Trying to teach a 12 year old how to cope with rapidly changing emotions, junior high angst and generally existing on a constant roller coaster ends up taking so much energy from me that after a couple of hours with her and I in the same boule I am exhausted and ready to just get in the car and drive, abandoning my husband with both kids and no explanation until the kids are asleep. I dread asking my daughters to do basic household chores and jobs because of the whining and effort it takes from me to get them to actually finish and do what they are asked. I have absolutely no patience and go from 0 to 10 in seconds with the girls and feel so guilty about what a shitty parent I am. My coping skills are so variable and having a good hour or couple of hours is absolutely no predictor for the rest of the day. I can barely make decisions for myself let alone help someone else decide what what I feel are the most basic things. At least if I am asleep or feigning it, I won't say the wrong thing or get angry at them.

[marathonbar]

I have been talking about motherhood a lot in therapy the last few weeks. My challenge is that I feel like I have to entertain my son all the time. (He's 6.) I grew up very lonely and bored and I'm afraid that he'll have the same experience. It's been getting better. I realize that some boredom is good-- it fosters creativity and independence. For myself, I've found a few things that really help. I meditate for 15 minutes every morning -- it's the time I have between getting him on the bus and leaving for work. I walk on the treadmill everyday. That helps my depression in general.
This motherhood business is tough stuff. We need to go easy on ourselves. My therapist keeps telling me it's okay to be a "good enough" parent.

[Marshein]

Jenny Jump: It sounds like you're being really smart about taking care of all 3 of you by finding something positive to do with your angry energy--tickling, going out of the house, etc. Great work. But if you don't find a way to express yourself away from the kids it will bubble up eventually when you won't be able to turn it around. I'm thinking of therapy, but there are other ways, like support groups esp. for mothers.

I shouldn't be relating to this topic since my kids are grown and I'm even a grandma, but (1) motherhood has been the hardest part of my life; and (2) since one of my kids was born with a chronic medical condition that has gotten worse over time, I'm still mothering at the age of 66 (yup).

Like you, my kids were 2 years apart. Now when I think back to them at the ages of 3 and 5 I miss those little munchkins. They were so adorable, but I didn't enjoy them as much as I wish I had, or could have. I was too messed up myself, too overwhelmed. At that age in fact I divorced their father.

I was in a consciousness raising group then--this was in 1970, the start of the women's movement--and one older woman in the group talked about how bad she felt bc she was always "pushing my children away. Now I ask myself why." She cried when she said it, and I thought, "That's going to be me someday." But did I learn to NOT become her? Of course not! I am her!

I don't know if it's so mentally healthy for me to focus on motherhood, but I'll see how it goes.

[Jenny Jump]

Potty training woes has me really disliking my 3 year old.

And my son 5, also constantly wants to be entertained.

How I've been helping myself: exercise in the morning. I really don't like to do it, but I make myself do it. It keeps me grounded. I do simple stuff for about 15-20 minutes each morning. Tonight I did a Richard Simmons work out. That had me laughing hard.

[marathonbar]

I love the idea of doing a Richard Simmons workout! Makes me smile just thinking about it.

[Fairlight]

The last post to this subject was some time ago so I don't know if anyone will see this but I'll put my two cents in anyway.
I find parenting to be extremely difficult. As a mom to a 13 year old with possible depression or maybe it's just adolescence I battle with having patience, not yelling, and just wanting to check out entirely sometimes. Sometimes I feel like my daughter would have a better life if she was just raised by my husband. I know that would be selfish though and leaving would fuck up her life. Then she'll be writing on forum like this when she gets older. Who knows though, maybe she will anyways.

I also find exercise, sleeping enough, meditation, yoga, etc to be helpful, when I do it.
Fairlight