I guess

[SubstancelessBlue]

Hi everyone. I've had an account for a few weeks but never introduced myself. I'm 18 years old, and I was disagnosed with clinical depression four years ago as well as social anxiety disorder. I am a "germophobe," and I have trouble with paranoia. I can't get to sleep easily because I'm so scared. Usually I'm just afraid someone is stalking me, has been stalking me my whole life, etc. It's been like this ever since I can remember. I have anger issues, and I'm extremely impatient. I'm taking Lexapro and this other sleeping medication. I took paxil for three years, and it made me incredibly sleepy, and I felt sick all the time. I got off of it finally after a hideous withdrawl, and I will never take it again. I've taken prozac, seroquel, xanax, vyvanse, too many to remember. Seroquel was too strong for me, and I passed out one night, fell on a striaghtner and got burned in two places. After that I didn't take it anymore. My doctor said I have "OCD in the mind." I don't even know what that means, whatever. Doctors always ask me right off the bat if I'm in anorexic because I'm small. I have 5' and weight 93 pounds. It's a little annoying though because that's not any part of the problem. I'm going to a biblical counselor right now because it's free and we can't afford a regular one. I don't think she's helping that much. She wants me to write my life story for her, but it's too painful, so I think I'm going to just skip everything I don't want to talk about. I don't want to relive the past. I just want to forget it, and move on, and be a better me. Why can't we focus on that? I wouldn't even go to see the biblical counselor if the anxiety/paranoia wasn't so bad that sometimes I feel like I can't function. I'm constantly checking behind me, above me, beside me, etc. It's exhausting. Half the time I feel nauseous because I'm so nervous. I thought I was doing better until suicidal thoughts starting creeping back up. They sneak up on you, don't they? I'm just so tired of being scared all the time. I kept waiting to grow out of it, but I never did, and now I'm eighteen. I can't even sleep by myself half the time.
I'm nervous about college. Every social interaction with someone I'm not familair with is an awkward disaster. I had a job for all of one day and then I quit because the boss was so rude to me, and I was freaking out because I couldn't please her. I really need to get a job, but I'm so terrified of talking to people, and I thought I could get a job stocking but apparently I need to be able lift up to 25 pounds and thats not going to work well. They will take one look at me and say no at the interview. I clean people's houses and babysit on occasions to get any scrap of money I can, but I need an actual part time job to pay for college. Plus I despise cIeaning people's houses. It does not go well with my germophobia.

I guess this was a long whine. I just want to feel better. I don't want to be on medication for my entire life. I tried to get off of it, but I had to get right back on when I started having panic attacks every week. I want to be able to get a job and keep it. I want to be able to talk to people without feeling like my head is exploding from the stress. I want to be able to close my eyes and not picture a creepy girl in the process of driving an axe into my head. I want to be able to sleep. I don't want to feel angry and irritated all the time. I don't want to suddenly feel sad, and worthless. I want to be more positive because I know my downer attitude exhausts my friends. I want to be someone else I guess.

[Ell]

Hi Substanceless Blue,
I don't think your post was a long whine at all. It sounded to me like a necessary attempt to release some of the tension and a low-stakes way to connect with others. I hope that learning about others' experiences and writing about your own on this forum can give you some kind of comfort, and maybe help you feel more relaxed around people. Even more, I hope that you begin to find some value in yourself. It sounds to me like you're a good person struggling with some very overwhelming things. I am amazed at the perseverance and courage you've displayed in trying to get help and improve, and I think you deserve some credit. I often feel the desire to be someone else, so I don't know the secret to being comfortable with yourself. But I do sincerely believe that you deserve some self-compassion. Best of luck with everything. Sending you hugs and good thoughts.

[SubstancelessBlue]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your encouragement

[Cheldoll]

Hey SB,

I've seen your posts around the forum but just now got to read your intro. Sounds like you've seen a lot of dumb doctors and that counselor doesn't sound too much better. I do think there's a benefit to writing out all the painful things that have happened to you. Maybe not to some bible lady... but maybe to people like us, who know how you feel? Just something to think about. I hope you find some comfort here on the forum and one day not want to be anybody else.

[SubstancelessBlue]

Ha, I think you're right . Venting on here does help, thank you

[Jenny Jump]

Vent all you want. We're not going anywhere.