heartbreak

[blooming]

I am miserable at connecting with people. To me, the smallest ounce of connection takes a million times more effort, frankly I am scared of people. People I date grow tired of my inability to reach out. They grow tired of my aloofness and my seeming lack of concern. The fact I never speak up. The fact I fail at conversing because my MIND is always SOMEWHERE ELSE and struggling to grasp the present. ALWAYS.

My depression and PTSD makes me feel like I am a wonderful person trapped in a mind that can't communicate who I am to others. I freeze. I am scared. But longing, so so desperately longing to have someone take the time to be delicate and careful with me. At the same time, I can't really expect that or ask that of anyone.

I dated this guy for a few months and we had the conversation tonight where we basically decided to be friends.
I felt my mind wandering away, not wanting to acknowledge the words he said initially or what they mean. But now it's sinking in, I feel abandoned, I feel alone, I feel misunderstood. I feel like I am destined to be lonely forever. I feel like I was used.

I think about my disingenuous search for spiritual truth which has left me empty still in these moments. I think about my failure in seeking spiritual strength. I think of the feeling of being abandoned by god.
I curl up in my bed and cry. I text a few people but no response. I have to be up early and all I want is a hug to help me sleep.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello blooming. I read this post and your previous posts. I am unqualified to help you, but I want you to know that I honor your pain, and I want to tell you than you do not deserve the pain you have experienced. You have inner worth and value.

My social anxiety makes me want to sleep for two days after an intense social encounter. Sadly, it doesn't take much to make a social encounter intense for me.

This is unlikely to apply to you, but one of my greatest shames from my past was that I desperately wanted somebody to reach out to me in my loneliness, but I was too self-absorbed to reach out to others, and to put in a little effort to make somebody feel better and appreciated, a somebody that I could see was in a bit of pain. What I craved I was unwilling to do for another - and I hate myself for it and I am ashamed.

Please take it easy on yourself. You have a bit of mental illness that makes nice things difficult for you to do, when those nice things should be easy. Take the smallest baby steps and reward yourself for them, and love yourself for making the effort. You are immensely strong, but you are starting in a low low place, through no fault of your own.

Please take care, all the best, cheers. We here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow, blooming!

[MizLzie]

Hi Blooming. A *hug* for you. I relate a lot to what you have said. Even though it's said a lot, yet so difficult to do, I found that reaching out - just a teeny bit - did help me to deal with the crushing emotional surge after a recent breakup. Baby steps is SO right, little by little.

You deserve good things.

[weary]

Hi blooming. That sounds very painful and disappointing. I am impressed with your insight as to why you struggle to connect with people in the moment, and I think that insight contains the seeds of being able to become more skillful at it. You sound like a very sincere and lovable person with a lot of fear and maybe guilt or shame. I can identify with some of the things that you have written about, and I know that it can feel hopeless sometimes, but I see hope in your future. The act of writing that post is an intimate connection you have made with all of us - you have made yourself vulnerable and exposed, and the support that you are receiving can go into the file marked "evidence" that you won't always be rejected if you reach out. Big hug to you.