I feel so helpless...

[AlbertFiennes]

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last three years. He is kind, tender-hearted, funny, smart, and really stuck in his depression. I know he is not choosing to be depressed. I too have suffered from depression and am vulnerable to it coming on when my sleep, nutrition, and work/life balance are not well-managed. I've had a lot of support from good friends. My man is in recovery, has maintained his sobriety for 25 years, so I know he has done a lot of work on himself. When the depression sets in, all his coping activities---exercise, maintaining a good sleep schedule, meditating---fall by the wayside, and his depression just seems to settle into a low-grade functioning gloom. He takes medication, and I imagine it helps. Sometimes he gets into projects that take him out of himself and he gets pleasure from that.

Our relationship has become more of a friendship. We haven't had sex for almost a year and a half and only had sex less than 5 times in the previous year. I want a relationship with him, but I think that his depression means we just can't. I want to give him space to work through his depression, but the depression itself or his way of coping with it, means he keeps his feelings locked down, and I am kept at a distance. He says he loves me, and he is afraid of how much he is dependent on our relationship for social support. There have been times when I've reached my limit of how much not talking about things I can tolerate and I've said that I don't like how our relationship defined by the depression.

I need perspective on this situation. When I ask what he wants from our relationship he can't even answer---he has said he doesn't really care about what he wants enough to figure that out for our relationship. I was married to a controlling, emotionally abusive man for 14 years and that relationship ended 6 years ago. During that relationship I struggled with depression and he (my ex) was horrible---judging, blaming, impatient, demanding. I do not want to inflict anything like that on my current partner, but I also don't think it's good to remain in a relationship with someone who is so disengaged by depression. I've asked him to go back into therapy, but he says it doesn't help. I think he is being too passive about his mental health and it threatens our relationship. When I say that I need more from him, more from our relationship he feels like I am issuing an ultimatum and that it is always about him changing or being different. To be honest, I have expressed anger and hurt when I have talked about how unhappy I am with the current situation. I hate this dynamic.

Thanks for listening...

[ColemanSilk]

I am in a similar relationship, with the roles reversed. I am the depressed one, and I know I am emotionally absent. I'm pretty sure my partner will leave soon and I can't say I'd blame her.

I'm not sure what to advise, other than to discuss it and see if your theories are true. It's possible the person is so deep in the hole they can't do anything, or it may be something else. I wish you the best.

[manuel_moe_g]

You may have to leave this relationship for now because it is hurtful for you. You have needs, and you deserve to have certain needs filled as a human being, and this might not be the situation that is being the most loving to yourself.

Please take care, all the best, no matter what you decide we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[a_schoe]

It's hard to make a decision about this as an outsider, and what you end up doing is ultimately your decision. But it kinda sounds like you've already half-made your decision. And you know what you need to do: leave the relationship. Because it's not healthy or fulfilling for you and you worry you're asking too much of your boyfriend, who you love and you don't want to ask too much of him. Or leave him. Because there is love and there is care.

But there is a limit and you appear to be reaching yours. Which is fine. That's what happens in relationships. But just because you end the romantic relationship, doesn't mean you can end the platonic relationship. It may be hard, but exes can be friends. You can still support him while being his friend (as long as he is able to let you in--which, quite possibly, he won't, based on the situation you have described).

[AlbertFiennes]

Hey everyone,

Just offering an update. I did end the romantic relationship with my partner a couple months ago. One of the precipitating factors was a comment Paul offered on one of his podcasts. He was reading an e-mail from someone who had a relationship with someone who was actively addicted to some substance and it was affecting the relationship. Although my partner is in recovery and sober in the sense of not using, he had some attributes of an emotional "drunk." Or maybe, I'm overly sensitive and not using that term accurately. I am developing an awareness of my own readiness to participate in co-dependent relationships. And that is what was brought to clarity by Paul's comment and e-mail. I understood that I was contributing to my partners "stuck" condition and that the compassionate thing to do was end the "crutch" of our relationship and figure out how to preserve the friendship. So, that is where we are at. I was surprised at my sadness and emptiness with the end of the "romantic" partnership. I had been using that relationship as a crutch too, dissatisfied as I was. So, now we are figuring out how to salvage the relationship. I wrestle with putting the desire or expectation for something more to rest. When we are together I'm aware of my guard being up, and of the humor and intelligence of my friend.

[manuel_moe_g]

AlbertFiennes, I am so glad you are being loving to yourself, and demanding a higher standard. All the best, cheers!