lost "life-partner" to suicide

[Cinnamon]

My guy, who called himself my "life partner" and I were together for almost 8 years. He suffered even before I knew him from mental illness (two self-styled breakdowns that involved at least on hospitalization, one long term day program) and a very abuse childhood. He had been addicted to his meds (anti-anxiety) before I knew him and thus, feared meds, feared therapy, etc.
He did suffer bouts of deep depression several times during our time together during which I was his "caretaker" as much as partner - made sure he ate, did upbeat or healing things like long walks, vision boards, etc.
This past fall his illness got much worse, he was very very irritable and he was very difficult to be with - not just emotionally draining but scary - accusations of wild things like theft, demands to go to sex clubs, choking, hitting. I finally drew the line and said get help or get out of my life, but he persisted.
I finally got a OP and they offered him a plea that if he did 8 weeks of mental health or anger management, they would drop charges. I guess starting down a train felt easier than facing his own issues because that is what he did.
I am devasted, beyond grief and consumed by guilt. I really really was scared - I go back and read my journals of the time and I was afraid he would kill me, even. But I also really loved him. I thought when I got the OP that I was getting him help and keeping myself safe. I actually had no anger going to court, I forgave him because I knew he was unable to help himself but I also knew this time I couldn't help him either. I felt at peace, actually. Like I had done good.

Never did I anticipate it would end this way. The day before he died, he texted me to get back together and I wrote a text and did not send it because it sounded angry but it was really from pain, and i thought this needs to be said in person. So I did not respond. I was confused, overwhelmed, weeks behind in work and near suicidal myself.
I am so consumed by a self-loathing now, and guilt and also helplessness and love and understanding.
So, my life transition is double:
losing the love of my life, a man I cared more for than anyone else in my life or ever will, who gave me so much...adjusting to being without him, his support, etc
AND
losing a sense of trust in myself as someone who is there for another, who is loving and does good, who lives with good intentions and puts relationships first. I always thought of myself as someone who would do anything for a friend. always be there. I don't know who I am anymore either without him or with myself. I feel like my entire sense of self, sense of life and loss, has been shattered.
Nothing in the outside world connects with me or contains meaning anymore.
I no longer know how to live or what to trust.
As for reaching out: his family, that I had been a part of for 8 years, graduations, holidays, vacations with his kids, totally banned me from any funeral or burial. They would not even call me or allow me to have mementos, or even my own things - they took it all. They totally blamed me, even tho he told his cousin a 911 cop, he was planning suicide and he did nothing. My family, in the other extreme, was like, he abused you, he was ill, he "drained you for years" and you should not be so upset.
No one gets it.

[MizLzie]

I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. My half-brother took his life in front of his (pretty much newlywed) wife in 2009. His wife pushed his (my) family away which shattered his mom, as it stands I'm not sure if the wife ever did open up communication with his mom. The point is that I do understand from someone who has watched that kind of emotional response. It was devastating to see how much pain that caused my brother's mom, but I could see it was because the wife was angry and was looking for someone to blame (even though there was no one to blame, the anger just had to go somewhere). I sincerely hope that in your case it's something like that, that his family will eventually open themselves up to you, if that's what you want. And I hope that you can find someone in your life that will show you some compassion. It doesn't matter how he may have treated you, you had an emotional bond with someone and you are going to have feelings as a result.

Do you know anyone who has experienced suicide? One of my best friends, her step-brother that she was incredibly close too, took his life a couple years after my experience and I recall a phone call with her with such clarity it still affects me. Not even a month after he died we were talking and she was feeling guilty that she was angry (he left behind a young son). I explained that it is a totally normal response, that it was ok to feel anger, that she could yell "at him" to me on the phone. (FWIW I'm tearing up writing this) She proceeded to scream and cry about how angry she was, it was intense, but I knew she needed to feel those things, so I let her do it. After I got off the phone I broke down, my own emotions breaking through. I would do it again in a heartbeat, no questions asked. I hope that there is someone you can find that can help you.

If you have a Skype account I welcome you to "call" me and yell and scream and cry, or do whatever you need to do. It doesn't matter if we're "virtual" strangers, I understand how important it is to feel those things, all the thoughts that leave you feeling guilty or angry or whatever you're feeling. ARE TOTALLY NORMAL!!

I wish I could express how much my heart is aching for you, you are deserving of compassion and love. You are a good person. <3

[fifthsonata]

Oh my God.

I have no good words to respond to this.

First, and formost, let me say this - it was NOT your fault. You did everything you could, and when it got bad, you protected yourself and you protected him. I would have done the SAME thing. When someone gets that violent and uncontrolled, you have no idea if they will be set off in public and what they might do to someone else. He was the one who chose to end his life. It was not because of you. You loved him and you did the right thing - you didn't sit back. You got help for him when he was becoming dangerous to himself and other people.


I really, really hope you're in therapy right now and some sort of support group. I have no experiences on which to relate to this, but I am always willing to listen if you need some stranger to vent to - someone who you'll never see in real life. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't know. Otherwise, could you make a thread for people who have had loved ones commit suicide? Maybe you guys could chat online or in person and help one another.

[oak]

I am very sorry for your loss.

[Cheldoll]

I've put off responding to this thread because I know there's just nothing I can say that will be good enough. I still don't have much to say but I'm glad you've got MizLzie and fifthsonata being loads more articulate than I am right now. I just want to reiterate that it's not your fault and be another person you can reach out to in case you need to talk.

[Cinnamon]

Thank you, everyone.

This has been an overwhelming time and I really appreciate everyone who said I could reach out to them.

I think one thing I struggle with is, obviously, the guilt. Because although it is easy to say - and I have had professionals say it to me, my therapist, a suicide support counselor, a bishop even, that this was his choice, not mine, that there was only so much I could do....well, in the large scheme of things, I could not cure him, save him or even help him if he did not want any of those things himself. But in the way I view the world, no matter my best intentions to be safe and to help him be safe from himself because yes, I was worried about being hurt, about him hurting someone else ( his 21 year old daughter had reported him a few months earlier for hitting her but didn't press charges) and about his own safety because, uncharacteristically, he had been in 3 altercations in two weeks. This from a slight, smaller man who normally avoided fights with men. It was like he was looking for a reaction, or a self destruction or something.
I knew something was off. His family felt I should just stay away and let him be and I felt I was protecting him from himself....and to a large extent, his shame and the stigma of mental illness sent him over the edge.
And so I was one more factor in a life of things that did this, and yet I did this with love and hopes to help.

But to him this did not seem like help but condemnation.
He told me a few days before he died that he felt his "brain was broken" by the abuse from his mother a...he had done research on the impact of abuse on the brain and he felt it had made him too aggressive, that he put off others...he related how his whole life he was the outsider, the kid apart.

I know a lot of popular and new age wisdom say you can't change someone, to let them be on their own journey... but if someone is being harmful to themselves or others, don't you have a duty to try? If you are their loved one? friend? I kept thinking, well, what about the next woman? I even wrote his family and attorney a letter and said - what if the next person got hurt, then its on me for "permitting this" and what if she has a brother who takes it to the next level, then R gets hurt....that's also on me...we need to stop pretending this is okay behavior. Did I do too much or not enough....its a painful thought to think I caused his death but its also painful to think I felt I had no choice.
Thanks for listening.

[YoSaffBridge]

There is nothing useful that I can say, so I'll just say I'm so sorry for the hurt that you are going through and all the guilt and doubt it must be stirring up in you. I can't imagine not feeling the way you feel, since you're obviously a good and compassionate person. Of course you are trying to figure out what you should have done differently or not. It's kind of the worst when all you can give someone is love and it's not enough to keep them safe and whole. But I hope that who he is exists somewhere and that he finds a way to give some peace to you, and I hope that either way you are able to trust that your presence was part of the good pile in his life even if the bad pile eventually overwhelmed him. I'll be thinking of you with lots of love.

[MizLzie]

... and I hope that either way you are able to trust that your presence was part of the good pile in his life even if the bad pile eventually overwhelmed him.

That reminded me of a quote from Doctor Who:

The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.

[YoSaffBridge]

That reminded me of a quote from Doctor Who:

That's exactly what I was thinking of when I wrote it. The Van Gogh episode stuns me with how wonderful it is. The other thing that really clicks for me is an episode of Joan of Arcadia, where they talk about Adam's mom's suicide, and how people make ripples in each other's lives:

"And we laugh and the boat rocks and the ripples spread from boat, to pond, to sea, to sky, and nothing can stop them. And nothing ever will.

Hope that means something to you as well, but if not, know that you have my thoughts and love.