Really Freaking Out

[weary]

Been struggling for a long time with career and marriage issues and trying to find the things about myself that I need to change to be a happier person so that I can fix the problems in those and other areas. Trouble is, I'm so fucked up and I've fucked my life up so much that I can't ever get there. Nothing I do matters. Anything positive is wiped away. Everything is so brittle, so precarious, and liable to come crumbling down at any moment. I can't depend on anyone, especially not myself, and other people depend on me until I don't live up to their expectations and then oh well.

I'm an assistant professor scheduled to go up for tenure next school year, and I have been really getting nervous and feeling the pressure build, because I don't feel very confident, but I was prepared to push as hard as I can all summer (unpaid) to try to nudge the scales over the balance and at least give it my best shot. I just found out there's a chance that I might not get my contract renewed for NEXT YEAR. Not even get the chance to go up for tenure. All this time, it has seemed that the worst case scenario is that I don't get tenure, and then I will have another year of employment after that by contract to look for another position. That seemed terrible enough. Now I'm afraid I may be imminently unemployed.

My life has been falling apart one thing at a time, and there is nowhere left to run and hide. I have nobody I can count on. I barely have anyone I can be myself around. I am so fucking scared and so fucking sad and so fucking angry. I don't even know what the point is anymore. I am a fucking failure at everything - my career, my personal life, everything. I am a worthless failure as a human being. I can count my real friends on one hand, and even they don't know me very well. I had a great education and a promising career that has been circling the drain for the past 10 years and is about to collapse. I have been so depressed and so unhappy for so long, and I have been shoveling other people's shit for most of that time - my wife's, my family's - and gotten nothing out of it - just screwed myself more. So here I am with nothing. Nothing to show for years of work and suffering. A total failure. A childless, miserable marriage. A career crashing and burning. Deteriorating physical health. No real friendships. No real relationships with family. This SUCKS.

[YoSaffBridge]

It does suck, it sucks really hard. What an overwhelming amount of stuff to be going through all at once. I'm not gonna write any bullshit platitudes about darkest before the dawn or whatever. I just want to validate that what you're going through sounds really awful. I hope you think about seeing a counselor or someone to talk to. You could even talk to me through messages or whatever if you think it might help.
Sending a lot of love your way!

[weary]

Thanks. I've been in therapy for quite a while (just had an appt this morning, in fact. Funny how bad shit tends to happen right after rather than before an appointment). It has helped in a lot of ways, but overall I'm still not in a better place because the hole is so fucking deep and I can't get enough momentum going to escape it. It feels like no matter what I do, I'm fucked.

[MizLzie]

Sending some love your way Weary.
What YoSaffBridge said was bang on. It does suck and I hope there's someone you can find to lend an ear/helping hand through all of this.

Funny how bad shit tends to happen right after rather than before an appointment

Reminds me of the dentist. My back teeth would always hurt after an appointment, but not before, so I would forget to mention it after 6 months. Totally not related to what you're talking about, just brought back that memory.

[fifthsonata]

okay so you probably know everything I just typed out. sometimes it helps to have someone else tell you, too, so you believe it.

(and so I can pretend I know things, lol)

[weary]

Thanks for the words of support fifthsonata. I've been at this game for a whole, and you're right, it's bad everywhere. That being said, I am at the end of my rope personally and professionally. I was at a point of acceptance that a positive tenure decision might not happen a year from now even if I did everything right because of financial pressures and university budgets. Having the rug abruptly pulled out from under me without even getting that opportunity would be really shitty. I've been here five years and excelled at teaching (with the student and the peer evaluations to back it up) and gone above and beyond in service, but my research has struggled and the publications and the grant $$ are not where they need to be yet. Research productivity is the only flaw they can point to at this point, but all they need is an excuse. Ironically, the policies being implemented by this administration in terms of increased teaching loads are going to kill research at out university anyway, since they don't understand or value the time or effort involved and are going to squeeze it out of existence.

I can be a fucking whiny crybaby and point to all of the things that they didn't give me that they promised that I needed to do my work, I could make myself vulnerable and reveal the toll that personal problems (having a spouse with health and mental problems, being exhausted and overwhelmed and in debt from that, and coping with insane amounts of distress from my family of origin at the same time without any reliable, dependable support) has taken on my career. I was on my way to being a fucking science rock star with a pedigree from the biggest and best in academia, and now I'm going to be flushed down the drain of a bottom quartile public university.

I spend every summer doing unpaid work running my lab, supervising my students, writing grant proposals and papers, evaluating dissertations. When i secured this position, I applied to 80+ positions nationwide and got 3 interviews and one offer. I can't go through that again and end up somewhere even worse. I'm 40 and have nothing to show for it except a failed career and a dismal marriage. I need some stability, safety and satisfaction in my life and I feel like I can't get it no matter what I do. And I'm fucking tired of trying. I'm not good enough, and nothing that I want or need is ever ok.

[fifthsonata]

Okay just reading my own post that sounded like a really, really, shitty pep talk.....if I could delete it, I would.


Considering that you made it through the doctoral programs, the application processes, the interviews, maintaining a family, and all the other academic expectations, and I have barely stepped in the professional side of the academic world myself - so I can barely grasp the intellect and strength you have to have made it this far. Just knowing you made it through those hoops, for some reason I have faith you will be able to make it through this one.


But, the time being, is actually making it long enough to have made it through. The time in between now and "making it," whatever "it" may be.

I have no beneficial words here besides talking to a counselor or another coworker who has been through the system longer than you have. I suspect you know what you need to survive and what you have to do to get there. I haven't been through what you're experiencing now so I'm drawing from my own experiences, and forgive me if it sounds too naive or ignorant.


You can't blame yourself for this. If what you've outlined here in regards to your academic history is true, I don't think you'll have trouble finding employment elsewhere should this not work out. "Core subject" educators are always in demand.

I do want to add, though - you aren't a failure and you do have something to "show" for it. Yourself. Your mind. Who you are as an educator, an academic, and what it's made of you as a person. It sounds absolutely cheesy, but it's true, and that's what I love about academia the most - the knowledge built by the person. How you perceive it, how you use it and how you teach it - that can't be replicated and will never be replaced. You got your foot in the door, so it means you have something. You've cultivated this over the years. You can provide your knowledge through the lens of your life, your experiences, and it brings something new to the table. You may or may not have to prove yourself again, but the second time around you have this experience under your belt. That hardship gives you a new way to connect with students and open up a possibility for them that they may have never had if you weren't there, because you know how to recognize it in other people. My grad advisor recognized it in me and gave me the help I needed at the end of my thesis editing process. You can, too.


I'm not trying to downplay the seriousness of the situation for you, because it sounds like it has just destroyed you emotionally and physically. I just to reiterate that you haven't failed. It takes a certain kind of person to survive a "real" life and an academic life, and you've proven yourself capable. This gives you a new way to help with students who are struggling mentally, too. You may not have materials to show, but you've proven yourself more than valuable to the world.

[weary]

It takes a certain kind of person to survive a "real" life and an academic life, and you've proven yourself capable

That's the problem. The feelings that I have are exactly the opposite. My failures have proven myself incapable of succeeding in academia or in life.

But, the time being, is actually making it long enough to have made it through. The time in between now and "making it," whatever "it" may be

I'm exhausted. I can't keep on doing this. I can't keep starting over and never having any peace and stability in my life. I don't want to pack up and move to another city that I don't even want to live in in the first place to start at the bottom. I'm tired of waiting for my wife to get her shit together and be a functional person and an equal partner. I'm tired of not having a house, not having kids, not being able to have any vision of the future that I can trust or believe in.

I'm afraid to start over, whether career wise or relationship wise. I feel like my current situations suck but I am afraid that they are the best I can ever hope for or deserve so I have to hold on to them even when they make me sick with misery. I feel so sad, scared, helpless and hopeless right now. I feel so defeated and alone. My wife has tried to be supportive and a good listener to me the last few days, which makes me feel like a shitty person because I'm so frustrated with her about oher things that i have a hard time taking in her genuine concern and love. I'm upset because she still can't do the things that I need from her and we are wasting time dealing with this work bullshit instead of trying to talk about our issues together and how to fix them.

[weary]

Update:
I had a meeting with my Dean this morning in which she informed me the way that she and the Provost's office were actually going to bat for me and I found out this afternoon that my contract has in fact been renewed for next year - so I will actually get my final probationary year and the opportunity to go up for tenure and I will not be unemployed with only three months to find a new position for the next school year. While I am breathing a big sigh of relief over that, the extent to which this fucked with me this week is still an indication of how fucked up and unstable my life and my brain are.

Positive things - I reached out to colleagues that are not my normal go-to people, and stretched myself a little bit in the process. I also made some deeper connections with some of the people in my therapy group. My wife was very supportive and empathetic and patient with me even though I know she was as terrified about it as I was.

Negative things - another demonstration of how low my self esteem and self-worth is. How easy it is to make myself believe that I am a complete and total failure and a worthless human being who is incapable and undeserving of success, happiness, love, and satisfaction. I also feel even more pessimistic about a positive tenure decision coming next year after this shot across the bow. This is more of an illustration of how far I am from understanding what I want and need and giving myself the permission to advocate for myself and achieve those things, even if it causes conflict.

[oak]

Hey weary.

I am sending you some love.