How to deal with never having achieved anything in life

[neufena]

I'm trying to push down the thoughts that I'm the only person to have never achieved anything in life, and since the podcast always tries to remind us we're not alone I thought I'd post this.

So who else has never achieved anything of note in their lives? Over my many years I've been involved in so many projects and things, none of which have ever turned out good results or been good enough. It eats me up inside that as I get older and older the chance to achieve anything slips away. My wife's on about having kids soon. I'm painfully aware that it would be the end of any chance to achieve something, all my efforts would be needed just to make sure any child of mine isn't completely fucked up. I don't see how I could have energy left to do anything else when the tiniest wrong thing by me can ruin a child's life.

So I guess my question is how do other people manage with having never done anything in their lives? Paul and his guests are like super humans to me, with talent and achievements to be proud of. I'm assuming there are some normal people who listen and are on the forums and not everybody in the world achieves so much in life.

Thanks for reading. Sorry the spelling is terrible, I've checked about 3 times but I always miss something.

[Cheldoll]

First off, your spelling is perfect and I think you've done a good job articulating how you feel.

I also think the way you're feeling is very, very common. I feel like a failure whenever I look at what everyone else around me is accomplishing. All the times people told me I had potential and was talented feel like little gashes in the flesh that is my self-worth because I never did anything with it. Granted, I'm also told constantly that I'm so young that I have my whole life ahead of me -- at 25 I certainly can't argue -- and have plenty of time to achieve things. But I still feel like my depression will always eventually get in the way of my success.

Just scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed exposes me to all the photos of people's children, videos of proposals or wedding ceremonies, status updates about great jobs or experiences, albums from trips to exciting locations. It's easy to fall prey to an overwhelming feeling of... being left behind.

I suppose the best advice I can give you is to stop looking at life in terms of achievements and reevaluate based on your personal circumstances. Yeah, it's a bit cliche. But we're not all dealt the same hand -- environment, social status, support, health, etc -- so it's unreasonable to compare yourself to others.

That being said, I should seriously practice what I preach. Just remember you are not alone.

[iamloved]

I can totally relate to that. At 39 I don't feel accomplished. I work a job that a highshooler can do but get paid much more than I think I deserve for it. I am good at it and can do it with my eyes closed but it is not challenging at all. Stressful at times but easy. I don't own a home. Don't have any savings. Do not excersise. Tell myself I will start this one side business but feel I don't have what it takes to make it a reality. And generaly feel like a total fuck up as well.

I wish I could give you words of encouragement but I really don't have an accomplished life from which to draw proper advice. However will you keep us updated as you figure it out?

[MizLzie]

Yup, I totally feel this way, though it can come and go, but a lot of long stretches. I am fortunate to have moments of being content. (possibly because of the low standards I've set for myself?) Facebook can be a huge problem for some people, a friend left 2 years ago for the very thing you're talking about + that false image most people are portraying...

A lot of people feel the same way, but project something different. I have to consciously remind myself of that when I start to think about how much of a loser I am. Am I living up to the standards that were set for everyone or what society has created? Yes I would like to make more $$ than I do, but I do get to enjoy things. I try to be good to the people around me, I try to perform random acts of kindness. Not to take my frustrations out on customer service folks (I know how shitty that feels). In almost a meditative fashion I will look around my house, at the view I have and remind myself that I really like my set-up. I am proud of my little apartment, that's a good achievement right?

I dunno - I guess for me I've been able to talk myself down from the really bad episodes by thinking about the little things I'm grateful for.

Oh - I am definitely not accomplished, I've been starting to go down a nasty path of thinking that I am a shitty worker, but can't tell if there's just too much going on at work :/ At 32 I really don't want to figure out that I can't actually do the job that will provide that income and instead have to go back to min wage in a VERY expensive city. Savings? ha, you mean debt? Yep - got that too.

[neufena]

Thanks for all the replies,

I totally know the feeling of being left behind, especially when you look over Facebook feeds or similar. I have some of the things you lists (wedding for example) but compared to the sheer volumes of great things the people I know are doing it all feels so small and worthless.

I'll keep you updated and how things go, I have a super busy month of festivals, wedding and working away which leaves me with just about enough time to sleep and try to be a good husband (I never seem to get that right either). I wish I had some time to do my own thing or even try to achieve something but before I can do that I have a whole shit tip of a flat and a million DIY jobs to do!

[oak]

Hey neufena. I send you a hug.

[weary]

Hi Neufena, I empathize with your pain, because every failure and setback that I have makes me feel the same way. I can point to a lot of accomplishments that I have when I think about them, but I can still feel like a failure and that I have nothing to show for things because I'm still not happy - they don't add up to anything - they don't make my life feel the way I want it to feel.

While fully honoring and validating the fact that you feel this way, I'd like to challenge the statement that you have never accomplished anything in your life. You mentioned a wife - you have fallen in love with someone and chosen to commit to each other. She wants to have your children, which would be an accomplishment for both of you in and of itself. You haven't mentioned anything about, for example, education or work or hobbies or anything. I guess what I'm wondering is, what is your definition of acheiving something in life? A certain level of financial success? Fame? A dream job or dream house? What are the things that you have in your life right now, and why do those "not count" as having acheived something.

Again, this is not to talk you out of feeling how you are feeling - I am just curious what the answers to those questions are, and they might really help you understand how to put yourself on a path to achieving things that make you feel good.

To give you an example of what my struggle in this area is, even though I have had academic and career success, it feels incomplete and insecure, and I feel like I need to have kids and a house and more friends or I won't be an OK person or a "real" adult, and none of the things that I have accomplished are worth anything and I am a failure if I don't achieve those goals. The way that I am trying to deal with those feelings is to repeatedly tell myself that it's not true that my worth is dependent on achieving those things, while still giving myself the opportunity to want them, to pursue them, and to be disappointed if I don't ultimately achieve them. I'm learning how to do that and it is slow going.

[neufena]

Thanks weary.

For me achieving something is all about being special, about doing something that you can say 'that defined me'. Doing something that nobody else has done or can do. All the things like getting married, having a job etc is what's normal and expected of a person. I can't br proud of 'achieving' something that millions of other people do every day without even a second thought.

[weary]

For me achieving something is all about being special, about doing something that you can say 'that defined me'. Doing something that nobody else has done or can do. All the things like getting married, having a job etc is what's normal and expected of a person. I can't br proud of 'achieving' something that millions of other people do every day without even a second thought.

That's selling yourself way too short.

Lots of people don't have a job. Lots of people don't have a spouse who loves them and wants to have a child with them. And you weren't handed those things on a silver platter - you took action to bring them into your life. It's really great to have lofty goals about making your mark on the world, but it will be difficult to get there if you don't give yourself credit for anything else. Do you have specific dreams about what specifically you would like to achieve? If not, maybe that's the place to start. You certainly still have time - lots of people have had their breakout movement later in life. And if you really have managed to do the "expected" things that "normal" people do, that is a good foundation for building your special accomplishments on top of.

[neufena]

Firstly sorry for not getting back quickly, I always seem to have a super busy life yet never do anything. I don't understand how other people manage to achieve things when I spend so much time and effort just being a barely average human.

That's selling yourself way too short.

For me it's not short at all. The things you mention are minimum standard things, stuff that anyone can achieve and not special to have done. I spent most of my school days in trouble for doing the minimum to get by, just enough to pass. It taught me that hitting the minimum is nothing to be proud of, it's a minimum for a reason. I'd like to be something so that at my funeral people actually have something real to say about me, not just generic niceties or trying to make out that my 'achievements' which are way below anyone else are somehow valid.

I'm not sure if I have a specific dream, I've tried so many things in life and always come up short, I kinda running out of things to try now! Here's some of the things:

I play music but at a very bad low level. Enough to be in bands but they never go anywhere and I'm never a creative or riving force in them, I could be replaced in a second and probably the band would get better. I can name in a second at least 20-30 people I know personally that are better than me.

I used to DJ, I gave that up because although I could get my head around the technical side (to a basic level, I was not turntable wizard or controllerist) but I can't read a crowd or choose the right things. I get too excited by new music and don't play enough old or well known stuff. I can name less people who are 'better' than me (around 5-6) but only because I know less DJs, I know very few people who could'nt reach my level with a few hours practice.

I dance (Morris and occasionally other types of traditional English folk dance) which is a tough one to be proud of as for 90% of the British general public it's something very lame and to be ashamed of. For the rest of the world they've not even heard of such dances! I've actually been away this weekend at a festival dancing and I'm not one of the worst dancers I've seen, there's a lot of people who are terrible (for me I'd NEVER try to do something I was THAT bad at in public, I don't get how they can). I'm prob at a minimum standard I'd consider good enough to dance in public. Again I can name 10-15 people at this weekend's festival alone who put me to shame. It's the one thing I do have quantifiable 'sucess' at, about 5 years ago I won Best New Entrant in a competition. I entered again last year and got really low scores, goes to show the year I 'won' there must have been no other new entrants!

I won't into more detail but I've coded bad mobile apps, tried to run an email newsletter for the chiptune scene, promoted club night and gigs, tried to be a freelancer, converted my van to a camper and many other things but all of them to a level that either failed or JUST good enough, I'm not the best or high class at anything, nothing that anyone would think of me as an expert in or equate me with in their mind. I have a todo list of about 80 items, I know I'll never even have time to get them done in my life and these are the minimum things I need to do to bring myself up to normal level let alone become special.

I guess the thing is I need to accept that I'm never going to be any more than a very basic human, not special, not worthwhile just existing and taking up space. If I give up trying things I get bored and have more time to think (which makes me worse) but doing all these things makes me tired and upset when I fail.

I doubt there's much hope for me, I realy don't know what to do.