You're invited to my Pity Party!

[shanarchy]

I'm having anxiety right now. Can't sleep. Feel like crying.
I can't believe I fell for it, again.

My Mom's manipulation is astonishingly powerful. It's my kryptonite.
I told myself I would only interact with her on Mother's Day (check, that's done) and a month later on Father's Day.
She had called me 7 times in a row. She knows that would look like an emergency, but I don't fall for that anymore. It's her loss for crying wolf so many times.

What she does now is make my Dad call me and my husbands phone so when he gets me on the line he says my Mom is really sad and wants to talk to me. At any other time, my Dad only calls when there's a rational reason, so they both know i'll answer or even call back ifI see his number. I don't think i'll be answering him either. At least, not until I can deal with this issue assertively.

I hate myself after talking to her!
I tell her things from the heart and she uses it to get others against me!
I still don't know how she does it, but she knows exactly what buttons to push to make me talk.

For example, I told her I'm upset with my sister because I offered her my help and she makes up excuses to not even show up instead of being sincere and letting me know she's not interested or whatever reason. The amazing thing is that I truly didn't want to let her know about it.

This is not the first time I said something like this to my Mom. What she does is call my sister and tell her how wrong I am for being upset with her! Do you get how she twists things up to make herself the hero and fuck me over!
She does it to get herself ahead because my sister already hates her! She loves it when she sees anyone else but her in trouble!

I fucking hate myself for answering the phone when my Dad called because I just knew it was her manipulation.
I knew I wasn't ready to talk to her. Not yet. I've only been sober for a little over a month. I've been on new meds for only a few months. She doesn't know any of this! No one in my family knows, not even my friends.

I'm scared! I'm afraid if I tell her she'll call everyone and tell them i'm a fucking alcoholic. She'll continue to make fun of me for needing meds. It's not her job to let anyone know. I have to be ready. I'm not ready, yet.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello "shanarchy". It is not a Pity Party - it is a "What is best for Shanarchy Party Blow-Out Oktoberfest" and I am glad you are setting boundaries for yourself - your boundaries will not be perfect at first, but the important thing is that you have begun the process. You deserve boundaries because you deserve protection and you deserve peace.

Please take care, all the best to you, we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[oak]

Shanarchy!

Hugs!

May I offer an analogy that I am surely borrowing from someone (probably Robert Bly)?

You are the sovereign of the kingdom of Shanarchy. You have an innermost castle, a town, and the countryside. Your mom is the sovereign of her own country.

The thing is, she is now snooping and poking around your castle. Somehow the moat drawbridge got left down, and she is uninvited in the castle room called "Shanarchy's Relationship with Alcohol". She is opening the private communication called "Shanarchy's Relationship with Her Sister".

Now let's say, Shanarchy, that you want to invite (figuratively) some people to discuss your relationship with alcohol. Let's say you send out a diplomat and invite me. I come, knock on the drawbridge, and you welcome me in. If I politely listen, and am present for you, you may invite me back. Such is the power of sovereignty.

But if I eat all the food in your fridge, clog your toilet, and look through your phone, then you probably won't open the drawbridge next time I show up.

Thus, I get barred from the Shanarchy room called "Her Relationship with Alcohol".

Maybe you want to invite your mom to visit, and comment on, certain parts of your kingdom. Perhaps the lovely countryside neighborhood called "Your career".

Your relationship with alcohol, and how that relationship is changing, is deep treasure. It is in your innermost keep, in the castle.

Somehow (and I can't suggest how, since I don't know) you can consider rousing the knights, alerting the castle guards.

If you know she will try to sneak in with the Trojan Horse of your father's phone number, make (figurative) little signs of "Warning!".

Or consider her unwanted attention as if they are squatters, unwanted tenants on your property. The squatters will squawk when evicted, but they deserve their own home.

Your mother perhaps should consider focusing a little more on her kingdom. How you get that to happen I totally have no idea!

Shanarchy is a worthy person. Just like a worthy kingdom has polite but firm border guards, you deserve people in your innermost keep who you judge worthy, who you want there.

You're worth it.

[shanarchy]

Thank you manuel_moe_g!

I love the alternate party name! Thank you for reminding me it's okay to establish boundaries within family. I guess I find it easy to forget since I usually think that boundaries are for the scarier labels, like violent or abusive. But, you are right, I deserve to protect myself from whatever harm I may face. I'm used to punishing myself and I forget I deserve.

I send you a big hug!

[shanarchy]

Oh, Oak, you crack me up.

The Kingdom of Shanarchy with a castle, a town and a countryside...I like it.
You're a bad diplomat, eating everything in my fridge and clogging my toilet...

I find it amazing that you used and expressed this analogy the way you did.
I am very confident when dealing with meddling neighbors. Yet, I didn't think about seeing myself the same way. I protect a property more vigilantly than I do my self; that's astonishing to realize.

You are right, I am worthy, even more so than the house I live in...I didn't see this before.

Thank you Oak! I big for you!

[talkthedog]

Would it be wrong to suggest doing the same to her? Call up someone she bad mouths and tell them how she is? OK. not helpful. I am sending you a huge hug! Congrats on getting sober and for trying to do what is best for YOU!...... Don't call her and if she pulls one of these before the scheduled Father's day call can you just be fake with her? Don't know. Not much help here. Just patting you on the back!

[shanarchy]

Hi talkthedog,

That's actually what my sister does and, yeah, it's not very helpful. But, thanks for the suggestion anyway!

Surprisingly, being fake was the suggestion of my friends at AA. They said, if I wasn't ready to let her, or anyone else, know what I'm really going through, then I should make something up. Like, "I can't drink because I'm taking antibiotics" or "I decided to stop drinking because I'm training to run a marathon" or whatever I could make up.

I haven't decided, yet. But, faking it is still an option.

Thank you so much for your support!