I Know I'm Not Alright

[BryceLayton]

Im afraid that, despite the fact that I'm only 17, I've wasted my entire life and will never achieve success.

I'm afraid that I will never get over being a rape victim.

I'm afraid that all of the men who ruined me will get away with their horrible, disgusting crimes and do it to more kids.

I'm afraid that I'll never quit being adulterous in my romantic life.

I'm afraid that my sex/porn addiction will consume my life.

I'm afraid that my eating disorder will get the best of me and I'll die alone, broke, and homeless.

I'm scared of dying, but terrified of living.

I'm scared of becoming fat.

I'm afraid that I might actually be gay.

I'm afraid that I might actually be straight.

I'm afraid that being raped has ruined me to the point that I'll never have a happy, healthy relationship.

I'm afraid that I talk to much about myself.

I'm afraid that I don't talk about myself enough.

I'm afraid that Paul will read these on the podcast and tell me to "Man the fuck up," or something like that.

I'm afraid that no one will read these and I'll continue being alone.

I'm afraid that no one here actually cares.

[Cheldoll]

Hey again Bryce. Your fear list makes breaks my heart. Like I said before, you're not alone. And people do care -- at least I do. *hug*

[eshkol]

I'm afraid that no one here actually cares.

Bryce, you already know that's wrong. Oh, and this...:

Im afraid that, despite the fact that I'm only 17, I've wasted my entire life and will never achieve success.

I won't pretend this is common (maybe it is, what do I know). But what I can tell you is: I am currently 18 years old. I have had this feeling, every day, for a long time already. I know the feeling is fundamentally corruptive, but it takes energy to surpress it.

But there are moments when my mind lights up, I catch a glimpse of hope, and I do my best to live my life fully. I write, I travel, I meet new people. And so I grow and defeat that notion of having wasted my life, piece by piece, until the day I can say with absolute certainty: it isn't so.

I believe you will defeat that voice overtime, too, if you pay attention to your feelings and figure out ways to be happy in the condition you find yourself. I'm awfully sorry to hear about the abuse you've gone through. But you have surely not wasted your life. In the least, I can see you're talking about what happened to you. Your life is most definitely not wasted.

It's great to see someone my age on the forum.

Wish you all the best.

e.