Vices

[kaitlyn]

I'm curious about what your vices are.

For me it's energy drinks. (AAAAaaaand drinking and pot but on a far lesser scale Mostly since I can't get my hands on anything Also the occasional SI but we're trying to quit that one aren't we)

What about yourself?

[Leebeeboo]

Smoking cigarettes. I feel like a pariah, I know that its socially so passe, but it's my crutch and a compulsion. Its the only one I have, honestly.

I get bored with alcohol because I have a really high bar to pass before I feel any effects (5+ drinks) and what is the point of drinking if not to get drunk? I'm not trying to spend a small fortune to catch a buzz.

I used to love ecstacy, ketamine, pot, and lsd when I was younger, but without a connection and fear of legal consequences, I don't do those drugs anymore (12 years). When I have access to narcotic painkillers legally, I have the tendency to take the max dose until its gone. I don't ask for refills even if I'm still in pain because I don't want to slide down that slope towards the addiction I'm genetically predisposed to (both grandfathers were alcoholics). I used to like DXM (like ketamine's little sister), which I could obtain legally and easily. I don't, though. I've thought about it but have resisted because I feel too old to be doing it.

[kaitlyn]

It seems like you are in control. I'm always afraid of slipping down and my vices becoming addictions. It's a fine line.
I'm glad you don't do the drugs anymore though.

[Leebeeboo]

I know that I have a personality that wants to grab onto something that makes me feel good and not let go. I know that it wouldn't take much more than access to something I enjoy to kickstart an addiction. The best deterrent for me is that the people that I associated with when I was messing with drugs were not great people. I have one who now is always pestering me with friend requests on FB, but I'm really afraid to let someone like him have access to me on that personal level (seeing pics of my kids, who my coworkers are, where I work, places I frequent, etc). He's had multiple restraining orders placed on him due to domestic violence, a heroin habit, has lost most of his teeth, and numerous arrests and stints in jail. Not knowing why, over a decade after we parted ways, he's suddenly so interested in me is scary. We were never close (at least in my mind) to begin with. I feel bad for him, and part of me wants to reach out because he seems like he could use a friend who isn't a junkie, but he has a tendency to be out of control and violent, and that isn't anything I need to bring into my life. He was a scary dude then, I don't want to see what another 12 years of a shitty life has done to him.

[weary]

Also the occasional SI but we're trying to quit that

I feel dense ...
Sports illustrated?
Small intestine?
Silicon?
Staten Island?
Smithsonian Institution?

I'm curious about what your vices are.

Caffeine
Porn
Masturbation (mental as well as the regular kind)
Food
Obsessive thoughts/fantasies
Compulsive Facebook/twitter/Instagram stalking (for lack of a better term)

[kaitlyn]

Leebeeboo, having that boundry is a good idea. If someone doesn't feel like a good addition to your life you don't need to let them in. Good for you.

Weary, SI is short for self-injury but I hate that word and the word cutting among others, so I just refer to it as SI. Minimizing it, I guess. Although Smithsonian Institution would be a much more productive hobby. We have very similar vices. We would make terrible roommates.

[weary]

We have very similar vices. We would make terrible roommates.

Terrible... or awesome!

We part ways on the alcohol/pot, though. Never really been drunk or had any kind of drug (not even pot) in my entire life. I don't really know why. I did not drink at all in high school, and I can count on one hand the total number of drinks I had in all of college. These days, I will have a beer or a glass of wine or rarely a cocktail maybe 1-2x a month (maybe a second beer or glass of wine occasionally). That's it. I have been relaxed and maybe a tiny bit buzzed but never wasted. I don't really have a good reason, I guess other than it must have something to do with having to feel like I'm in control and being afraid of what would happen if I wouldn't (though these have never been conscious thoughts). I don't have alcoholics or other kinds of addicts in my family (that I know of...), so it wasn't in response to something like that. Just another way I'm weird.

[kaitlyn]

That's interesting. I don't get drunk a lot, I haven't in months, but I occasionally drink to relax. I'm in a nursing college of predominantly 30ish year olds, so I've kind of skipped the binge drinking and gone strait to the daytime drinking. It's not weird to want to be in control of your actions. I feel like a freak because I can't be so apathetic as everyone else, I care way to much about everything. That's why my vices are so pronounced to me, because I'm constantly itching for something to take the edge off of how out of my mind I'm getting.

[weary]

I can't be so apathetic as everyone else, I care way to much about everything

Yep.

constantly itching for something to take the edge off of how out of my mind I'm getting.

Double yep.
Nothing really numbs it except for really shutting down emotionally and crowding it out with some other brain stimulation. I guess I have anxiety about going the chemical route because its still largely unknown for me and I guess I still have some fucked p associations that suggest that if you need substances to feel ok (even if you are responsible and not an addict) that somehow makes you a weak or bad person. Funny, I don't think I actually realized that until I was typing this post. I have so many little subtle judgment that were tattooed on my brain at a young age tat I'm not always consciously aware of, and somehow they apply to me differently than they apply to others (I wouldn't judge someone else for that, because its their life, but I would be judgmental of myself for it. Makes no sense. )

[kaitlyn]

Nothing really numbs it except for really shutting down emotionally and crowding it out with some other brain stimulation.

The last few days I've been doing yoga a few times a day and it's really helped me calm down and not panic as badly. Especially now that I'm getting more practiced. My ex-gf was abusive and still tries to manipulate me and it's been a rough day but after our fight I went in the basement at work and did a few minutes of breathing and stretching and I stayed in my body. It's not perfect but it's better than nothing.

I guess I have anxiety about going the chemical route because its still largely unknown for me and I guess I still have some fucked p associations that suggest that if you need substances to feel ok (even if you are responsible and not an addict) that somehow makes you a weak or bad person.

I get this. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I want so badly to be able to look at my future and not see the endless road of taking meds everyday, especially being young and feeling old. I've been on things that completely change me. But with bipolar there's no successful treatment that doesn't involve medication, so that's really not going to work. So I'm trying to take care of the rest of me and minimize the medications that I need. The best part is that the mix I'm on right now doesn't make me feel fake, it makes me feel like I have unlocked the happiness door and now I can open it freely (if that makes sense). They let me experience emotion in a new way. "Normal."

You said before that you never used drugs or drank much because you want to be in control. Do you think that has something to do with not wanting to take meds too?