How to deal with never having achieved anything in life

[weary]

First, I can definitely relate to not feeling like you've accomplished anything, and you have to accomplish certain things to be "special" or to even be OK. I get it. I am a fellow sufferer of that. And I fucking hate it when people respond to that by trying to talk me out of it and listing all of the things that I do have and that I have accomplished. I hate it, but I understand what they are trying to do and I see the point and the truth in what they say, because my problem is that I cannot give myself credit for and get satisfaction from the things that I have done because of my focus on the negative.

So let me acknowledge that you feel the way that you feel about your life, and that your feelings are valid and I understand them.

That being said, I see a lot of things that you have done that other people haven't done. I see talent and passion for music. Being confident enough in your talents to dance in public - and as a performance no less - that is special. That is NOT something that everyone has done. Again, this is coming from a place of empathy because these same scripts are active in me, but you don't have to be the best at something to be good at it. I firmly disagree with your assessment that your achievements are generic and are way below anyone else. They are below some people, and above some people, but life isn't a competition. If you want to accomplish specific things and you haven't, that's one thing. But that doesn't negate the things that you have done - they are not worthless or invalid. In my opinion, dance performance, DJing, coding, etc. are not "minimum standard things" that "anyone can achieve". You have talent. You appear to have worked hard at certain things. You're allowed to give yourself credit for that.

If you want to achieve something great in your life, I wish you the best in figuring out what it is and creating a path to achieve it. You come across as someone with a lot of talent and drive. It also sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be the best at something, and anything short of that is labeled failure. I would guess you have had people in your life that have reinforced that message for you, but you don't have to perpetuate it. What is is that you want from these achievements? Fame, wealth, admiration, respect from others? Do you feel like you need that kind of external validation to be an OK person, and you won't get that unless you are the best/perfect? If that's the case, I hope that you can work to challenge those assumptions going forward. Best wishes.

[neufena]

Hi all, sorry it's been so long since I replied. My life is so busy all the time and I'm permanently tired. No excuse I know, I don't think I'll ever understand why I run my self ragged just trying to be a minimal human and other seem to achieve so much so easily.

I hate it too when people try to point out the non special things I've done as achievements, it actually makes me feel so much worse that the only way I can have some achievement in my life is for people to artificially lower the standards down to my level. People always say I should take what they say 'at face value' and believe them. A few years ago I did that, I ended up lulling myself into a false sense of security, thinking I was actually a worthwhile human being then making a total fool of myself by acting like I mattered. Never again.

Passion for music yes, talent? None at all. Sure I can play a little it but no better than anyone else who took the time to learn the basics. Talent is when you can do things above the norm. I'm sorry to say but these day life IS a competition. People have hundreds of choices in life, for you to be part of their social circle, life, job or whatever you have to win out over all the other options they have. If that's not competition I don't know what is.

In 2 days I (finally) get my assessment. I don't know by what freak I got to the front of the queue but I'm there. I've had all the brainwashy CBT type treatments before, when they 'work' the put me in the exact same false sense of security place as I mentioned before, then when I stop acting my social level it all comes crumbling down and sets me back to square one.

A prime example of that is when I was single and doing CBT, I got a small amount of confidence. We were out at a club and my housemate (female) told me a girl was checking me out. Usually I'd know that this is impossible but I was buoyed with the confidence CBT had given me (and prob a few beers) so I decided that going to talk to her would be a great idea. What a huge mistake, I saw the look of disgust I'd almost forgotten. Then remembered who I am, that to be so arrogant to think that a girl would want to talk to me was shameful and that there's a reason why I don't talk to people unless I already know them.

But anyway, I'm really hoping that I'll get something out of this assessment. What I want is some kind of treatment that rather than trying to create a fantasy world where I'm a worthwhile person for me to live in just to have it shattered whenever it becomes clear it's fantasy I want help to accept that the failure that I am, to quietly live out my days as peacefully as possible.

[weary]

A prime example of that is when I was single and doing CBT, I got a small amount of confidence. We were out at a club and my housemate (female) told me a girl was checking me out. Usually I'd know that this is impossible but I was buoyed with the confidence CBT had given me (and prob a few beers) so I decided that going to talk to her would be a great idea. What a huge mistake, I saw the look of disgust I'd almost forgotten. Then remembered who I am, that to be so arrogant to think that a girl would want to talk to me was shameful and that there's a reason why I don't talk to people unless I already know them.

Since you have experience with CBT, I know that you know that is all-or-nothing mentality that isn't a very accurate gauge of reality. It's not true that no girl would want to talk to you, but neither is it true that every girl will want to talk to you. The important thing is that you tried, and even though it didn't work out in that specific case, it didn't kill you.

People always say I should take what they say 'at face value' and believe them. A few years ago I did that, I ended up lulling myself into a false sense of security, thinking I was actually a worthwhile human being then making a total fool of myself by acting like I mattered. Never again.

I can hear your words coming out of my own mouth when I am in the throes of a lot of stress, but I know on an intellectual level and increasingly on an emotional level that they're not true for me and I don't think they are for you either.

You have to matter to yourself.
You have to act like you matter to yourself.

If you aren't able to do those things, it won't make a difference if you matter to anyone else because you won't believe them. Furthermore, if you matter to yourself and conduct your life accordingly, you will be more likely to create circumstances in which you will connect with other people in meaningful ways. Because you're worth it. They don't have any way of knowing what they are missing until you make the decision to believe in yourself. I know that it sounds corny. I do think that you are selling yourself very short, and that rejection and invalidation of the things that you have accomplished in your life is the very thing that is going to keep holding you back from achieving and accomplishing the "special" things that you say you want to do . It's a mindset that you can choose to break free from. It's not easy to do, but you seem to have the self-awareness and the desire to do so. Why else would you be posting in the first place?

[neufena]

The prob acting like matter is that it just increases the disappointment and rejection. Believe me I've tried over and over. Saying "hey world in deserve this" just ends up with a response of "no you don't".

I am pretty self aware. And I'm aware that pretending I'm worthwhile hasn't worked- what I want is help to accept that I'm a failure and live out my days as painlessly as possible. To let go of dreams of being important or special. To see my funeral where people stand around saying 'I suppose he was allright, never did anything with his life tho' and not feel pain but not to care.

[kitkat]

I relate so much. I was part of that generation, I guess, that was told, "you can do anything you want, you can be anything you want to be, you just have to work hard and things will happen," and, well, they didn't. I was on the right path to begin with, but after graduating from college, my anxiety took hold of me and set me back to nothing. Since then I feel like I'm climbing up a steep cliff just to get to where I used to be. I haven't gotten to where I thought I'd be, I'm ashamed to think of my old self and all the hopes and dreams she had and how I have ruined them all. I think, if only I could have been stronger, if only I could have made myself work harder, I could have done something worthwhile, I could have made people proud of me, but I failed and I continue to fail, and even thinking of accomplishing anything fills me with paralyzing anxiety. All I think about is getting a job and earning my keep and becoming something, but it seems so far off and unattainable. I feel like a deer caught in headlights and frozen while everyone moves forward around me. I have an amazing, successful fiance who I am envious of for how easily he can motivate himself and how much he has achieved in such little time, where I was on this career path before him, but I fell off and got left behind. I'm afraid of seeing myself in 10, 20 years and being in the same place, living off the money he makes like a useless leech. I'm afraid I will have nothing to inspire my future children with and no one to look up to me. I always think I have the mind of an egomaniac, thinking I should be able to accomplish great and special things, but the lowest possible self-esteem telling me I never will, even though, if I just worked harder, I could be something special, but I won't be. I don't want my legacy to be nothing.

The problem with thinking you could be something great, is waking up and realizing you're not. The problem with thinking you could know everything and do everything, is realizing you know nothing except for the fact that you're self aware enough to know how useless you are.

Thanks, I needed to get that out.

[weary]

I was just talking with some friends about this this morning.

"you can do anything you want, you can be anything you want to be, you just have to work hard and things will happen," and, well, they didn't.

I always think I have the mind of an egomaniac, thinking I should be able to accomplish great and special things, but the lowest possible self-esteem telling me I never will, even though, if I just worked harder, I could be something special, but I won't be.

It's a lesson that I am trying to learn slowly, but you are a great and special person. Right now. Just you. Separate from accomplishments, and potential for other accomplishments. It is essential to start from that place. Learning how to let go of expectations and rules and learn to love yourself for who you are as you are so that others can have an easier time getting to know and love that part of you. If you don't have that, it doesn't matter what you accomplish - how much money you make, how successful you are in your career, how many people look up to you - it will never be good enough to fill that hole inside.

The problem with thinking you could be something great, is waking up and realizing you're not. The problem with thinking you could know everything and do everything, is realizing you know nothing except for the fact that you're self aware enough to know how useless you are.

That also means that you could wake up and realize that you are great, even if you haven't accomplished what you think you are able to.

I know that this sounds like Pollyanna bullshit, and I am a fucking hypocrite for putting it out there because I can't really walk the walk, but I am trying desperately to learn how to do it.

[kitkat]

I don't think you're a hypocrite, it's a lot easier to give out advice than to take it ourselves, and a lot easier to forgive others than ourselves. For whatever reason, it is a lot tougher to accept that yourself is a good person and a worthy person, than to accept that in others. It's a lot easier to search for other people to give me acceptance and love than to accept and love myself. It's like trying to climb up a mud hill during a thunderstorm. I get in that dark place, and sometimes it helps to remind myself that maybe I can parent myself and maybe I need to like myself since accomplishments can't make people happy. I think about what Paul said, like, you get that prime time special, and then what? You get all the acclaim you thought you were looking for and then what?

That just reminded me of this poem I liked. Sorry for the disjointedness, but:
“If a man could pass through Paradise in a dream, and have a flower presented to him as a pledge that his soul had really been there, and if he found that flower in his hand when he awake - Aye, what then?”

I guess it just always stuck with me, and it's true. You find paradise, and then what? Maybe that's not what it means, but, anyway.

I hope that makes sense. I'm feeling a little scattered, but what you wrote does help, I just need to keep reminding myself of those things until they become ingrained in my head. I hope you can too. /big hugs

[neufena]

Everything you;re saying ring true with me too but there's one thing I don't seem to get. How do you 'learn' to accept or see yourself as good and worthwhile person? Surely if you are a good and worth while person you'll see that, if you're not you won't? If anyone has any tips or ways to learn to see things differently, especially in the face of a wealth of evidence in the contrary?

[weary]

Surely if you are a good and worth while person you'll see that, if you're not you won't?

I challenge that premise. If you've decided that you are a failure you will only pay attention to the things that reinforce that view and reject the things that are not consistent with that view. You need to make a conscious decision to take all of the information in.

If anyone has any tips or ways to learn to see things differently, especially in the face of a wealth of evidence in the contrary?

Be honest with yourself. If you are going to take evidence to the contrary into account, you must apply equal weight to positive things about yourself and your life as well - it is not rational or consistent to dismiss them. And if your negative evidence outweighs your positive evidence, 51 to 49, or 75 to 25, or even 99 to 1, that doesn't mean you're a failure or a bad person. It means that you have some balance to strive towards in what you do and in how you view yourself. But even that 1% is evidence that you are indeed a good and worthwhile person.

How do you 'learn' to accept or see yourself as good and worthwhile person?

I struggle with this every day. You can try accepting it on faith and seeing how far that can get you. Or you can try being logical and giving yourself credit for the positive things as well as the negative things as I suggested above.

[neufena]

I challenge that premise. If you've decided that you are a failure you will only pay attention to the things that reinforce that view and reject the things that are not consistent with that view. You need to make a conscious decision to take all of the information in.

Decided makes it sound like I juts flipped on day and said "I'm a failure". I started off life just like everyone else. A constant stream of failure, seeing everyone around me succeed, seeing things I can do belittled and things I can't do praised taught me and proved to me I'm a failure. I give equal weight to good and bad but there are hardly any (if any at all) good things. For every thing someone tells me is a 'good' thing about me I can see 10 things why I'm 'bad' for every 'talent' I have I can name 10 people I know who can do to better.

But even that 1% is evidence that you are indeed a good and worthwhile person.

So if I get 1% on a medical exam I'm a doctor? Or if I get 1% on my driving test I should be let behind the wheel of a car? Nobody can be 100% but you need to be demostratably more good than bad, I'd say at least 70%, to be deemed a good worthwhile person.