kittieface wrote:You are entitled to whatever you think. You don't always control what comes to mind. But that is your space. That is your freedom.
I watch what I say. I watch how I word things. OUTWARDLY. In a world where other people are affected. But in my head, I never, ever, judge myself.
That is really powerful and that is SO not me. It is actually kind of a fundamental flaw that I have been getting deeper into with my therapist. It comes from my family of origin and has been reinforced by my wife. There is this strong belief that certain thoughts and feelings are "right" and "acceptable" and "OK" and I am literally doing something wrong and getting in trouble if I have thoughts and feelings that do not line up with those.
And I feel like I'm not allowed to have any mental privacy from my wife. She gets extremely anxious when she doesn't feel connected to me, and sometimes I feel like to her that means she needs to know every thought and feeling in my head at all times. She wears all of her feelings on her sleeve constantly and that is one thing that actually makes her hard to live with sometimes. But I have feelings a lot of the time that I don't feel safe sharing with her because of how she will react. But then I feel guilty for having the feelings that I don't think I should have, guilty for then essentially being dishonest by withholding those feelings from her (her words - she has called that a lack of honesty), and really, really afraid and confused.
And to be clear, I'm not just talking about feelings like being attracted to other women. I'm talking about feelings about her and her behaviors. Things that I want, that I need to be different. Things that I am afraid to express because she will react defensively in anger, or fall apart with tears and self-criticism. She devalues and undercuts my wants and needs by saying that she is doing the best she can, that she doesn't know how, that I have to be patient, that I have to accept her and love her just the way she is because that will give her the strength to change and grow. My expression of my wants and needs becomes a challenge where she is almost daring me to say that she is not good enough.
kittieface wrote:But, have you ever considered some form of couples therapy?
We did, for about 6-8 months, in the immediate aftermath of my stripper tryst. It was an opportunity for us to sit there and get really angry and upset and go over the same things over and over again, and then usually sit in the car for 1-2 hours afterwards and be upset and cry and yell. Nothing got resolved in any way through that process, and we stopped going because he concluded that we both had good reason for not wanting to be in the relationship anymore, yet we still were, but we couldn't really work on the marriage until we both had resolved our individual issues enough to have our identities a little more intact and be able to understand and articulate what we need. That was over two years ago. It still sucks. I am having a hard time improving myself because I am still dealing with her stuff.
kittieface wrote:If one or the other of you isn't willing to try and be a better INDIVIDUAL then nothing will work as a team. It will always be one of you pulling the weight more than the other.
That's the thing. She's not unwilling to try. For a long time she was. But for the past 3-4 years especially, she is trying. And most of the time it's not working. Or it's working very slowly. And I don't know how to calibrate, and neither does she. How can you tell when something's not working because she is making bad choices/bad decisions or not trying hard enough, or if it is literally absolutely the best that she can do right now? And at the end of the day, if the outcome is not where I want it to be, which is worse - that she could do better but she can't/won't right now, or that she literally cannot possibly do any better?
kittieface wrote:It just sounds like you're looking for a comfort you aren't finding in your marriage. And maybe you feel bad because you promised you'd stay. I may be completely wrong, and forgive me if I step out of line. But have you ever considered that you are just simply not fulfilled by your home life? That your needs aren't being met? And I'm not implying to leave or anything. But maybe they won't get met in your situation. Maybe you're "rebellion" as earlier mentioned is just you trying to find someone who makes you feel like your needs are met.
This. 100% absolutely. But what is right and wrong in this situation. I can't predict the future. I can't guarantee that she will never be able to get to the point to be able to meet my needs. But how long is reasonable to have to wait for basic things? And what if it's too late for certain things (e.g. kids)? But it is fair, is it reasonable to leave someone because the best that they can do is not good enough, even if they are trying and they are a good person and you love them?
Thanks again for reading and commenting. I appreciate your insight.