Hi everyone. A bit of a freak out.

[CampOutside]

Hi. I've been meaning to write an introduction post, but I never seemed to have the time. I listened to Episode 120, and realized my survey was posted (J.S. a girl in her twenties). I already freaked out a bit, realizing that one of my big secrets was shared to the world. Also, I apologize Paul and to the listeners about my terrible grammar and awkward phrasing. I never wrote something like that out to anyone, and it seems my stream of consciousness writing translates awfully. It's funny. I really just feel awful about myself for how I wrote it. Like, negative thinking "I'm a complete idiot that is wonderful at embarrassing myself at every opportunity, great."

I grew up with molestation and then physical abuse by siblings. I did not have control over any of it, and I developed the classic perfectionist syndrome. I could control school and my sports. If I didn't understand a concept in school, I would have panic attacks. I still remember having one in 3rd grade hyperventilating on the floor because I could not grasp some algebra lesson.

In my teens I started self injury. Cutting words like "alone" or "stupid" on my legs. It developed to punching myself. If I did any kind of embarrassing or awkward type thing, I would have to hurt myself to relieve that guilt, like my punishment was all that mattered. I finally don't do it much anymore, but today it's been pretty bad. I'm not sure if I'll do anything to get the edge off.

I have social anxiety and am losing friends due to my flakiness. I can't commit to most social endeavors. I am terrified of phone calls and getting bad news. I can't answer the phone much anymore.

Negative thoughts are always running in my head. I'm fat, I'm worthless, everyone in my life leaves and I deserve every bad thing that's ever happened to me. It's like I have my outside persona and then this internal person that constantly has to remind itself how I should just be dead. Nothing matters. I can't take most things seriously anymore because of it.


And, I'm rambling. I haven't been to therapy really though I had a few years of taking anti-depressants in college after a bit of a stress meltdown with dealing with my mom's health. I did not get therapy with it, just some pills. I'm trying to psych myself up enough to look into counseling. I usually try things once and then never return. I'm scared it's not going to help and I'm going to fake my real thoughts to someone. Or they will judge me and I'll feel like a freak more than I already do.

I think I do need a hug. After hearing my words being spoken allowed I feel awful (not at you Paul, just myself). I want to hide, but I know there are people here dealing with things as well. I hope someone just understands me.

You can call me Camping.

[oak]

Welcome Camping.

Good grammar is an okay goal.

What is more important is that you expressed yourself honestly! I'd much rather hear something real, that is felt in the moment, than a dry, emotionless statement with perfect grammar.

Also, all of the rules of grammar put together are not 1% as important as you are a person. You are much more important and valuable than all the commas anywhere.

I am sorry you experienced abuse. You deserved better.

As far as fear of the phone, you sure as heck aren't alone there! I posted here a few weeks ago about fear of calling my professional references. I thought making such calls would kill me.

http://mentalpod.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=47&t=8105


Since I am creeped out by many hugs IRL, I send you a kind and enthusiastic high five!

Hang in there, Camping. Your voice is important.

[CampOutside]

Thanks for your message. I really appreciate you taking the time to write.

Oh grammar. The funny thing is I was a writing assistant in college. Goodness. 4 years out and I've retained nothing! I get embarrassed and ashamed quickly when expressing myself, so hearing it read allowed just brought back those intense feelings again.

The post you linked it completely how I feel with phones. That awful, jittery feeling of your heart. I still have a relative that I've needed to call for a week, and I just can't do it. I keep putting it off because I know when I dial the numbers I'll feel like fainting.

And a big high five back.