How do I have a sex life now with someone I love?

[woo]

In my early twenties, i was kidnapped and sexually abused for about three days.. humiliated, and what I consider tortured to an extent. I admittedly accepted a ride from someone I shouldn't, a stranger, because I was super pissed at my best friend for snaking a guy out from under me.. A guy she had set me up with to boot. This ahole offered me a ride home and when I told him where I lived he just kept driving and got onto the interstate instead and took me to his house. He was much bigger than me and when we got there he threw me on the ground and while I didn't physically resist he assured me what was about to happen. Over the next three days he forced me to have sex, which I wouldn't even call it that because his dick was so small it probably didn't even penetrate. This is where I assume his anger came from and I could tell he had done this before. He burned me with a crack pipe and poured shit on me like chocolate syrup and other random humiliating bullshit. All the while he kept reminding me that he knew where I lived and let me know he had a gun also. so I stayed... Until the third day, when I said, fuck this and ran up the stairs from the basement, opened the door, kicked the front screen door out and ran like hell. I went to the hospital.. where I was made to wait for two hours in the ER for a rape kit only to find later that they are supposed to accept rape victims immediately as to not lose any evidence. the one thing I can say, is that these fucking cops were amazing when I went to report to them. They asked me if I could lead them back to this place and by some miracle I had, even though it was in a suburb of Denver in an area I knew nothing about. Seven cops, three of which were off duty and said they had daughters and were just pissed about what had happened to me, escorted me to this motherfuckers house, let me identify him and proceeded to "detain" him while letting me watch from the back of the cop car. These guys were not overusing their power or being biased. They saw the look in my eyes and knew this guy had ruined me for life...

Which brings me to my problems now. As most of you probably know, people who have been raped or sexually abused tend to act out very promiscuously after the fact to disassociate themselves from what happened. If we can turn sex into "no big deal" and make it happen on our own terms, it seems to lessen what happened to us or at least let us be the ones in control, no matter how unsatisfying it is. I slept with everyone after this, disregarding whether they were in relationships, married, or just using me for that matter. I was the one calling the shots.

so my problem now is, ten years later, I am in a relationship with a man..we have a son, and we dont have a sex life. I know how to FUCK, but I lost the ability to make love and be intimate with someone. I miss that and I'm afraid we wont last much longer if we don't start having that biological connection that couples are supposed to have. I know therapy is a requirement but its been unsuccessful so far. I can't seem to find a good match. suggestions on other approaches?

[oak]

Hey woo!

I read your post. Words, especially typed here on a screen, are a poor way for me to communicate, but they're all I've got, so here goes...

I am sorry you were abducted and raped.

I am glad the police took you seriously, and I am glad you are able to express yourself here.

As far as advice, I really don't have any, beyond the platitudes, which I offer sincerely enough: I hope you find healing. You deserve better.

As a single/never married man(I am a rake, to put it plainly), I have no thoughts about to handle your relationship. It would be disingenuous for me to comment on something I've never experienced.

I guess the only relationship "advice" I can offer is yet another platitude: communication. I encourage you to listen to your partner, and for them to listen to you. Sometimes it helps to have that painful conversation, to get it all out there.

I wish I could offer something better. Hugs.

[LooLoobun13]

I have this problem too, although i didn't go through the same trauma. First, i'm giving you a big hug. I can't imagine the hell you still have to live in after that. I don't know how you could function after something so horrible, and i hope you are doing ok. When you said you know how to fuck, but not make love i knew exactly what you meant. i can't have sex with my boyfriend because it seems too painful to show him that side of me. But one huge step for me was learning that our relationship wasn't going to fall apart without sex, which took away some of the compulsive need to have sex. Now i'm working on being intimate in other ways like crying in front of him.It seems to be helping slowly. But i feel like an object most of the time, and being seen as a whole person who is loving and wants sex seems impossible some days.

[moonlightwatie]

Learn to trust your husband. He's the inverse of the scumbag.
Focus on the present: Keep your eyes open, make eye contact, say your husband's name.
Getting that close to a person emotionally can be hard, but remember, he's your HUSBAND. He's promised to be caring and to help you through stuff like that.

Opening up can be HARD. But it really is worth it.

[brave-girl-living]

Just sending a hug and telling you that I am glad you are reaching out and looking for healing and help. I truly cannot imagine but I know you must be incredibly brave and strong.