I'm getting help: underearning.

[kitkat]

Sorry to hear you had a rough couple days. They're always bound to happen, but they pass with time, right?

I think, if you believe in the methods then you can believe in yourself too. You're doing everything right, you're making progress, you're getting interviews and taking action and following the methods, so results will come. That's why they're good methods, because they work for a whole mass of people, and if they're right, they'll work for you too. You're taking charge and getting yourself on track, so take some time to believe in yourself too! It's easier said than done, I know, but I think if you focus on all you're doing, you can chip away at the fear. And then in the future you can invent a time machine and tell us all how it works out.

And good luck for thursday!! It sounds like you're well prepared, so I'm sure it'll be great. Let us know how it goes, I'll be rooting for you!

[oak]

Forum love. That is what I am spraying around this afternoon.

How I deeply, dearly love all of your advice and encouragement.

My phone (well, Skype, actually) interview this morning went real well!

I was feeling shame last night because while I have a good structure for phone interviews (which I got from the job search books), I was apathetic about filling in information into the forms I made....

What I am trying to say is that there is a standard flow of questions, and many of the same questions, in nearly every phone interview.

Thus, I can prepare (with 75% accuracy) for the questions they will ask, most of which boil down to:

"Why should we hire you?"

This brings up tons of "not enough" voices/regrets in my head.

So, though I prepared imperfectly it turned out my interviewer was kind, charismatic, and direct. That is a refreshing combination after a number of interviewers who come across flat, like the don't give a damn.

So he and I had an actual conversation about something we are both passionate about!

90% of the encouragement I've gotten in my job search has been from the kind, wonderful, caring people in this forum.

I want to do better. I get so tired and sad, but I think I am close to success. Or maybe I am already a success because I've tried. I just want the outside world to match my inside dreams.

[weary]

Great job!

[oak]

A few thoughts as I continue to try:

1. Thanks to your guys advice and encouragement, I am seeing the three ways I behave as one person. These three "selves" can help each other. And be honest with each other.

I see myself, these different aspects of myself, acting as: #1 who is enthusiastic and takes action, #2 who is panicky and scattered, and #3 who is exhausted, defeated, crushed, and above all suffers from tension headaches.

For example, last night after being emotionally exhausted (#3) from my skype interview, I started to feel a tension headache (a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10, so I got the message!), so this caused me to (#1) make a list of ten things I could do Thursday night and Friday to reduce the tension that would cause a tension headache.

And tension, for me, is caused by inaction which leads to shame. Thus, the solution is to take action.

So, the three me's worked together. Strange as it is to say, I am grateful for the tension headaches: they warn me that I need to take action to take better care of myself.

2. The more I spend time on task, the more I spend structured time taking action, thus making me enjoy the time. I have this phone app that helps me keep track of the time spent on task.

My goal is 4 hours a day, and I am generous with myself of the list of things it includes. Of course, when I reach the 4 hours I slam the job search book shut (with gratitude) and enjoy playing my video games and listening to podcasts.

Before, I would listen to podcasts all day, feel guilty, get little done. Now I am more or less "effective", then enjoy the game and podcast much more.

Speaking of patience for myself, I am also okay if I start to slip in my time on task behavior. Progress not perfection.

Thanks for listening!

[weary]

And tension, for me, is caused by inaction which leads to shame. Thus, the solution is to take action.

That is the best summary I have heard all week. I relate 100% and I credit a lot of your action that you are sharing on here with helping me take disciplined action to achieve concrete goals as well as reduce the tension and shame.

Speaking of patience for myself, I am also okay if I start to slip in my time on task behavior. Progress not perfection.

Once again, simply, elegantly, and truthfully stated. Thanks again for modeling good habits.

[lance]

Impressive reasoning and logic. Very impressive.

[kitkat]

So happy to hear your phone interview went well! It is always such a relief to get interviewed by a real person instead of just a corporate person who wants to get in and out of there. Can I ask what field you're in? If you don't want to say, no worries, I am just curious.

"Why should we hire you?"

This brings up tons of "not enough" voices/regrets in my head.

That is honestly the hardest part. I avoid practicing interviews mainly for this reason because I cannot imagine why someone should hire me. I can usually do alright if they say, "why do you want to work here?" because then I can just tell them how amazing they are, which is a million times easier than finding one compliment about myself. Saying something positive about myself just makes me feel all icky inside. But with every small amount of encouragement and work, it gets a little tiny bit easier.

I just want the outside world to match my inside dreams.

I cannot say "yes, exactly" enough. You sum it up perfectly. There is this song, which name I can't remember, but there is a lyric in it that goes, "I've got so much more to show," and it always sticks with me. It makes me feel a little frustrated, like, "dammit, I am better than this," but also makes me want to keep fighting for it. Deep inside, I think we all want to show the world what we've got and with that passion, we can.

Using your three selves to help yourself is genius, also. And, definitely progress, not perfection. I think I need that tattoo'd on my arm, haha.

You're on such a good track, I know you can do it!

[oak]

(long, disjointed post!)

Thanks so so much for all of your encouragement. I can't afford therapy, and can't drive to a support group, so this forum (and this thread) is my main avenue of expression.

I will break this post up into:

1. Reports of my days
2. Rants
3. A tiny experience yesterday that gave me a moment of joy.

Focusing on time on task, and measuring it with a phone app, is my goal lately.

Thursday: 100% of my goal reached. An okay day.

Friday: 90% of my time on task goal reached.

Exposition

On Friday I sketched out how I hope my career to go. The reality is that underearning will destroy me sooner or later. I cannot live the next five years like I have the last five years.

Ergo, I know what I want to accomplish, the timetable, the jobs that will get me there, the job search advice books.

The only two questions are: will I do what I know is right? and: Even if I do the right things will I be destroyed by circumstances and bad luck before the good results come?

The big picture of my job search is that I need an hourly job soon in order to survive/avoid homelessness. I want a white collar job in the near future (within one year) to be able to provide for myself, however modestly. (I'll be glad to explain if you are interested why hourly essentially can't provide for me long term. Long story short: I tried for 3 years, and it wasn't ever going to work, no matter how hard I try.)

I can get interviews, so now my next goal is to interview better, so I get the offer. The aforementioned time on task is the main tool I will use.

End Exposition

(An Off Topic Downer Rant, Because This Post is Obviously Lacking for Despair

I truly believe that God listens to the religious peoples' prayers. I think God really cares about them.
I am pretty sure God, or more likely for me a cold and empty universe, does not care about me. Maybe God has forgotten about me. Maybe God is busy elsewhere, tending to the needs of more successful people, as I explain in a moment.
I am told that we are all God's children. If so, that makes some sense to me: all parents I suspect have favorites. Thus, God is happy about the people who have phones, go to weddings, and have cars that run. I am the failure child, that God doesn't want to think about much. Too much failure and heartache. Better to focus on the successful children who can hold down a job.
More likely God thinks about me, the way I think about musical theater. I am glad other people enjoy musical theater, and I recognize the good aspects of it; musical theater brings alot of people happiness. And while I have no negative feelings about musical theater, it is not something I care about day to day, much like the universe doesn't care about me.
While this realization is sad at first, I realize that the universe if it will not help me, then it is also unlikely to care enough to want to destroy me. Thus, whatever happens is up to me, along with the kindness of others.

End Downer Rant)

So I was pretty effective Friday!

Saturday

As I woke up, I had the beginnings of a pretty bad tension headache. Not a good sign.

Before I got out of bed, I saw on my news app (btw, they are shutting off my phone for lack of payment tonight!) that baseball player Brandon Phillips called a $72 million 6 year contract:

"A slap in the face"

In theory it is wise not to let others' behavior bother one. However, he and I live in the same state, and some statements are so egregiously offensive to the poor, that... I was just devastated.

Though I was probably doomed to an agonizing tension headache (the spend the afternoon in bed kind), I gamely tried to implement the tension headache-reducing plan I came up with on Thursday. It probably would have worked, but...

Little did I know that I was in the midst of what the genius Hyperbole and a Half so well describes as a Sneaky Hate Spiral:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2 ... piral.html

Since physical activity is a big part of my tension reducing I borrowed a car (my car battery died two weeks ago, so I have to borrow cars from kind, generous family members) and went for a hike!



A Little Romantic Failure to Compliment the Financial and Professional Failure. The Universe Cackles. Then Sends Bugs.

With the headache at a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10, which at 10 in the morning is not a good sign, I semi-cheerfully bound out of my car, at the lovely local suburban wildlife preserve, which is also a cultural center, and therefore holds weddings in the summer, especially on, say, a Saturday morning.

I wish the bride, groom, family and friends infinite happiness!

Meanwhile, as I pop out of the borrowed car, I see a lovely woman dressed up. The kind of woman I would date, if I wasn't a failure romantically. And if I could afford to take her someplace, like weddings, if I had a car that runs (buzzer sound) and money for gas to put into said theoretically functioning car (buzzer sound).

It was as if fate/the universe was gleefully saying: "Hey oak! We let you get out here just so we can show you what you don't have!: An attractive person to date, and fun meaningful life events to enjoy! Well, we have more torment for you shortly. In the meantime, be sure to go fuck yourself!"

Romantic despair.

But I went there to hike, right? Alright!

For some reason insects are incredibly attracted to the back of my head. Every five or ten seconds an insect will careen into my head. This is crazymaking.

I hiked for about five minutes before leaving in a swatting, angry, lonely tizzy.

Thus my tension headache was assured, and boy did it suck. Laying in bed I realized I had to get out of my head, so I resolved in my agony to go to the mall to be around people.

Pretty quickly the headache went down, fluctuating between a 2 (annoying but almost-ignorable) to a strong throbbing 3 (gah!).

So I spot a woman I had flirted with in happier times, and she was happy to see me.

Finding the courage to invite her out for sushi, she looked horrified.

Now I realize that she was horrified by the thought of sushi, but in the moment it was natural enough for me to assume she was horrified by me and my invitation.

Men are just as emotional and vulnerable as any other gender. Such are matters of the heart.

Nevertheless I went from essentially-incapacitated regarding my headache at 2 pm to simply emotionally defeated by 7 pm.

I achieved 0% of my time on task goal for Saturday.

Sunday I was around my family of origin, and they were kind and affirming of me. Also 0% time on task.

Monday

I did 75% of time on task, at 2:56 of 4 hour goal of time on task. Semi-hooray.

Plus I got an email from a recruiter for a minimally-reputable company. Semi-yikes.


Rants


First up, I am so supergrateful for anyone who reads or comments on this very thread! It is the biggest encouragement I get. Forum love!

The other two sources of encouragement are my family of origin, and people I run into while conducting my job search. Though I believe I do not have a soul anymore, people are super kind and helpful.

The physical agony is starting to catch up with the emotional agony. I get excruciating tension headaches every other week, usually late in the week, Friday or Saturday.

I live with my parents, and my kind father has recently developed agonizing backaches. I of course do not blame myself, but I fear that the stress of watching his son destroy himself has created a psychosomatic physical response.

There is more I'd like to write here, things that are important to me and that I want to share, but I have no more emotional energy. Plus I have to conduct a job search today, or I'll end up homeless. This is the smiley face society expects me to paste on:

Quote that prevents my despair 1 of 2

You've got to have something to eat and a little love in your life before you can hold still for any damn body's sermon on how to behave. -Billie Holiday

Tiny happy moments

(Lest I praise myself for virtuous behavior, I say the first two things not to explain what a great guy I am, but to find two small examples of good things. So much of a job search is neither good nor bad, just soul-sucking gray. I need these tiny, good things.)

Today I will mow the lawn of my new elderly friend. It is the one morally good thing I do all week. Yay me!

Last week, when it was hot as a mofo, I was walking into the takeout restaurant. I saw a fellow my age sealing a nearby parking lot with tar, in order to fill in cracks. A useful good he was contributing to society! I walked up and asked if he wanted me to get him a pop or water. He said a Coke would be great. I got my quesdillas and a 20 oz pop for him. He looked super happy and thanked me.

Yesterday a pretty girl smiled at me. I am holding onto this romantic victory with all I've got.

Quote that prevents my despair 2 of 2

1994, the same year I graduated from high school, Andy Dufresne told his friend Red this, which I also am holding onto:

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."

[manuel_moe_g]

I like this. You are fighting the good fight. You are the expert on your own situation, and let me say a little something that might help you or not, that helped me - there are delicate situations where you have to refrain from assigning the meaning of success or failure when it involves the actions of others, because we are not in control of others.

I think you are great, and a good person.

[weary]

Oak, I wish that I could understand my own feelings as eloquently as you explain yours in writing.

Noting that Thursday (100%), Friday (90%) and Monday (75%) were all really productive days, it seems like what you are doing is working.

Yesterday a pretty girl smiled at me. I am holding onto this romantic victory with all I've got.

That made ME smile. Well done.