I'm getting help: underearning.

[oak]

Update!

(btw, I use gender non-inclusive language below in talking about the movie since I use "I" statements and only speak for myself. Like I said, the movie itself is pretty gender non-inclusive.)

The despair and physical pain accompanying it helped me move *through* the "negativity".

In other words, I faced my heartache, however imperfectly, and now feel a sense of contentment.

I have spotty internet access, so rather than a large post, I'll keep my thoughts brief:

* A friend suggested yoga and stretching. Accompanied by my habit of hiking, this really reduced my de rigueur weekend tension headache!

* I saw "Dead Poets Society" on tv last Thursday. Besides the now-obvious plot holes, it is a really profound movie, especially for a person who came of age when that movie came out.

That movie came out in 1989, and I remember watching it on vhs shortly before I graduated from high school in 1994.

(Observations: it is unclear why Mr. Keating would have left his job and pretty girlfriend in London, Neil's death pretty much glamorizes suicide, and Knox should not have kissed the sleeping/passed out drunk pretty blond girl. Also the movie doesn't address race or gender, and only lightly discusses class. Also, all of the adults were irredeemably evil. Cameron did offer some good reasons to tell the truth, despite the fact that Charlie was pretty much unjustified for punching him. Lastly, IRL they'll just fire someone, they didn't really need the boys to rat out Mr. Keating.)

That being said, I adore this movie.

At age 18, in 1994 I got the good lesson on the surface: take action, carpe diem. And I more or less did so in my late teens through late 20s.

At age 28, in 2004, I was hitting the skids and losing my way. Ugh.

Now, at 37, facing a 20 year high school reunion next year, I realize the other, subtle, message of the movie:

If I lost my guiding light, my soul's North Star, that's okay.

Maybe it is *expected* for a man to lose his way!

Maybe I can find that North Star again and sail the ship of my life back on course.

What's more, I now have the tools I need to succeed as a man that I did not have in 1994.

I could write more, but I will leave it there for now.

I am taking action. I am seeking ways to grow my soul.

Much love.

[manuel_moe_g]

Magnificent as usual, oak!

What's more, I now have the tools I need to succeed as a man that I did not have in 1994.

This is key! This is the fact that will save your life!

All the best, cheers!

[oak]

Update!

Yesterday I had a big-ish interview.

For the first time ever I properly prepared for an interview. "Script" is too strong of a word, but I had a structure, a framework of what I most wanted to say. I had an idea of what they were looking for, and I was able to clearly explain myself in a comfortable, unaffected way.

It was fun, in other words.

While the decision is up to the employer, I am glad to be living out this drama, this storyline. Because underearning has pushed me to confront myself.

The cost in heartache and lost time is agonizing. I've lost so much to underearning.

But I have today. And I can make a better choice today. I have more tools, more Good Orderly Direction and more emotional tools.

Posting here is an emotional tool I gratefully use. Thanks for listening.

[gfyourself]

Hi oak
I'm enjoying reading your updates and glad you find this a useful tool.

[Jose]

Congrats on the interview! Keep us updated. I landed one myself today at our local zoo nearby. It's a place I would really love to work. It was especially a relief to get that call after another day with my boss I hate, because it gives me a glimmer of hope that maybe I won't have to work with him for another year, I can just blow him off completely. Before I had no excuse not to work, but if I get this job it'll be my top priority. I would prefer to never have to see him again, that's how offputting he is to me. It'll be nice to "stick it to him" like that, maybe then he'll finally realize how valuable an asset I was to him

On the flipside from my last few interviews I took, I'm actually not nervous at all. I'm looking forward to it because I so eagerly want the job, and I get a sense that they need me as well. Instead of 'lying' and saying "Oh, I've always loved this restaurant, been coming here for years. Nothing would make he happier than to give you a cleaner, smoothly running facility." I can really be honest in saying that I LOVE the zoo, and animals, and really it would just be a joy to work there in any capacity because it's such a cool place. So instead of overselling myself and getting worked up into a sweat because I have to put on a performace, I'm going to just try to be as geniune as I can. Obviously I'll take time to prepare, but it'll be so much less nerve wracking because I don't have to fabricate any false 'skills' that I have. I'm going to be as upfront as possible with them and hope I present myself as a reliable candidate. Wish me luck!

[oak]

Manuel Moe, weary, gf, and Jose: thanks for posting. Much forum love.

Today I don't have many reasons to smile. Looking this morning at my empty email inbox, I began to cry.

I wish American English had a word for "everyday heroism". The word "hero" is rightfully applied for firefighters, etc.

I would give myself a medal, or at least certificate, for the small heroism of getting up, washing my face, and putting on some aftershave.

Though I have saved some lives through the years, I will never likely be a hero like firefighters. No one will ever build a statue of me.

But maybe I am a little hero, trying to help myself.

That's all I've got for encouragement for today.

[oak]

I do not feel hope.

I am sitting here, alone.

There are three jobs I can apply for online today, that I am qualified for, that will take about a half hour each to complete.

If there was a 50% chance of getting interviewed for one of them, I'd apply for all them with enthusiasm. Then I'd take my chances in the interview.

As it is, I feel like fate is Lucy, I am Charlie Brown, and the football is hope.

Or I am part of some cruel, unimaginably cruel version of The Truman Show, or that episode of South Park: unconscionable media executives alternate hope with disappointment, for the sick, perverse delight of their viewing audience. I am their fool, the fool of hope.

So here I go.

Lucy has put that tempting football on the ground. All I have to do is kick it. Maybe this time she won't pull the football away.

Maybe I just have to bang my head against this brick wall one more time.

Maybe I'm a fish. Why, this lure here reads "Hope". This lure reads "Action". Look how pretty, sparkling, and inviting these lures are. Maybe this time there won't be a hook at the end of the lure, and I won't end up emotionally sliced and diced like some poor fish.

So all that being said, I am going to apply for these jobs today. Not in spite of hope, but to spite hope.

[oak]

Update



I don't have any job offers to report. But nothing terrible-awful has happened either. Yet.

Every so often I get backaches, and this weekend I had one. That, along with the despair have exhausted me, a spiritual exhaustion.

The best I can offer is a quote by Mr. Samuel Beckett:

"I can't go on, I'll go on."

[gfyourself]

Hi Oak,

I was unemployed for about two years, a few years ago. I can understand the negative feeling.

I typed out some (well-meaning but probably already well known to you) advice but then I deleted it. I know you know the stuff.

Hope the next days brings some good news.

[anxietygirl]

Hi Oak,
Was just reading through your posts - sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm not sure I have much useful advice to offer, as job applications usually seem to provoke a reaction somewhere between panic, despair, and confusion for me...but I hope everything goes well, and I must say I'm impressed by your resourcefulness and attitude toward the whole situation (such as your post on the "tools" and how you plan to use them). How is everything going? How did the interviews/applications go? Keep us posted!