Discouraged with therapy and my life

[noel123]

Hi - new here. I'm grateful for this forum and for the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast I discovered by accident about 2 days ago. Beginning when I was 3 yrs old, my mother began her chronic pattern of child abuse that I will term, mind-body-soul rape, and which my father continued with incest. I have been struggling to recover, or have an improved quality of life since 21 when I began therapy in earnest. I have currently been in therapy for the last ten years, and working hard at it, in addition to many years previously spent in therapy, and for many thousands of dollars. I have suffered from severe PTSD for most of my life, and I am now 66. Although I have periods of remission, the fear and panic still recurrs and ruins weeks and sometimes months of my life. I am getting to the point where my skills of managing this panic disorder are wearing thin. I am tired and coming to the end of my resources. My therapist helps with support, but my quality of life has not improved. I feel that I have lived an entire life in a chronic state of delayed gratification. Thanks for listening. -noel

[oak]

Hey Noel welcome.

I am sorry you were abused. You deserved better.

As far as advice, I don't have any. I do believe that you are a person of inherent human worth and dignity.

Hang in there.

[MORITVRVS]

Posts like yours make me feel ashamed for complaining about anything, and at the same time astonished you have made it this far. This probably isn't appropriate (may manuel_moe_g have mercy on my soul), but I can honestly say that if I had found myself in my mind's rendition of your childhood, I wouldn't have thought twice about suicide. Clearly, I can't know your situation, nor you mine, but from this post alone I can tell you are one hell of a woman.

The only bit of advice I can offer doesn't even come from my own experience; it comes from anecdotal evidence. Find a support group, or group therapy, or any forum in which you can talk plainly and be regarded warmly. My efforts to find such groups have always been fruitless, but perhaps you live in or near a large metropolitan area where such opportunities are available.

Many hugs.

EDIT: Mixed up oak and manuel_moe_g

[kitkat]

I am very sorry to hear that you had to go thru all this. I hope you can find happiness wherever it is. I am also amazed at how long you have kept working on yourself, it is truly inspiring! Keep at it and let us help however we can. Welcome!