I really don't know how to start. I'm a pretty private person, but I decided to lay it out because there's no reason to be scared to admit I need help.
I've been dealing with several serious addictions in the past year and a half, and struggling with depression and anxiety my entire life. As I grew up I was taught that depression was a weakness so I hid it up until I finally graduated college. After that it was just a shitshow. I started doing drugs, anything and everything I can get my hands on, I've sold my body for drugs and I've been raped, mugged, I've been homeless, and none of my friends or family knew. I was a good girl, I grew up in a strict christian household. I now have a serious pill addiction that has evolved into alcoholism because I've been trying to quit pills (and alcohol is a replacement). I don't remember the last time I was truly sober for an entire day.
The things of the past haunt me and I have my regrets, but I'm learning how to move on. The only thing I can't seem to let go is my addiction, which I fear if I try to quit completely I will end up killing myself or ruining my entire life/career. I do anything and everything to avoid thinking. My anxiety is so overwhelming at times I can't drive, go out of the house, and I've lost jobs, I've lost friends whenever I even attempt to stop. The only thing I have now is that I'm not dead, and as long as I keep breathing another day it's a success for me.
Drug Addiction and Anxiety
Re: Drug Addiction and Anxiety
Hello and again welcome to the forum Miya!
As one who has a history of addictions of various flavors, you must pause and reflect on the possibility of a life free of drug addiction. Wherever you are now and whatever time you've lost walking the wrong path, just take a few moments often to ponder a life without your addiction to drugs. Once this consideration is practiced you may begin to see how such a transition may become yours.
When I quit cigarettes and later on, drinking alcohol...the freedom from those two monsters became infinitely more valuable that the miserable but dedicated habit (addiction) of smoking and drinking. The SHIFT into a lifestyle free from your addiction(s) is like a rebirth. This is yours as soon as you decide.
Get help in deciding how to proceed. Some people do it themselves, some with the direct help of others and some self help themselves, but the important thing is to EDUCATE yourself for the task. It's remarkable how much easier it is to embark on a new life free from these insidious behaviors when you learn from those that did it before you. I think throughout this forum and from other solid sources you will find the instruction and inspiration to rise out of the stagnation that countless people have unfortunately come to know.
That guilt and shame shit? I mean the negativity of your mindset as recalling your past behavior? It's a choice also....make the choice that is best for you in a new life.....a wonderful posting that I read in here last night referred repeatedly to the concept of making an effort.....MAKE AN EFFORT! And the same person wonderfully spoke of mindfulness behavior which is the most promising spiritual practice that I've ever learned (and I'm 59)....mindfulness (seek Jon Kabat Zinn for a start on mindfulness) practice teaches that the rumination of the past and the tense expectations of the future are where the vast amount of human suffering comes from. Living in the moment, aware of things exactly as they are without judgment, all accepting, as a practice, leads to results that will comfort you anytime you need it......
When I knew I was done with cigarettes, and I quit from a self help book.....there was two days left on the five day course.....and I knew I had it made.....I burst into tears...and how many countless times before that had I tried to quit! The difference was in the education I took, the learning HOW to quit....that was a magnificent triumph when I quit those fucking nasty lung rakers.....
Begin to believe you can leave your addiction, Miya and then make a plan on how....be self compassionate....no put downs of yourself and your past....
Whoever you are and whatever you do or don't do.....remember your life and everyone else living...must fall to the reality of impermanence. Your life will change even if you sit and do nothing....capture that force and make the change a designed one for yourself. A good change. Choose it. Defy victimhood....put fear in a matchbox.
As one who has a history of addictions of various flavors, you must pause and reflect on the possibility of a life free of drug addiction. Wherever you are now and whatever time you've lost walking the wrong path, just take a few moments often to ponder a life without your addiction to drugs. Once this consideration is practiced you may begin to see how such a transition may become yours.
When I quit cigarettes and later on, drinking alcohol...the freedom from those two monsters became infinitely more valuable that the miserable but dedicated habit (addiction) of smoking and drinking. The SHIFT into a lifestyle free from your addiction(s) is like a rebirth. This is yours as soon as you decide.
Get help in deciding how to proceed. Some people do it themselves, some with the direct help of others and some self help themselves, but the important thing is to EDUCATE yourself for the task. It's remarkable how much easier it is to embark on a new life free from these insidious behaviors when you learn from those that did it before you. I think throughout this forum and from other solid sources you will find the instruction and inspiration to rise out of the stagnation that countless people have unfortunately come to know.
That guilt and shame shit? I mean the negativity of your mindset as recalling your past behavior? It's a choice also....make the choice that is best for you in a new life.....a wonderful posting that I read in here last night referred repeatedly to the concept of making an effort.....MAKE AN EFFORT! And the same person wonderfully spoke of mindfulness behavior which is the most promising spiritual practice that I've ever learned (and I'm 59)....mindfulness (seek Jon Kabat Zinn for a start on mindfulness) practice teaches that the rumination of the past and the tense expectations of the future are where the vast amount of human suffering comes from. Living in the moment, aware of things exactly as they are without judgment, all accepting, as a practice, leads to results that will comfort you anytime you need it......
When I knew I was done with cigarettes, and I quit from a self help book.....there was two days left on the five day course.....and I knew I had it made.....I burst into tears...and how many countless times before that had I tried to quit! The difference was in the education I took, the learning HOW to quit....that was a magnificent triumph when I quit those fucking nasty lung rakers.....
Begin to believe you can leave your addiction, Miya and then make a plan on how....be self compassionate....no put downs of yourself and your past....
Whoever you are and whatever you do or don't do.....remember your life and everyone else living...must fall to the reality of impermanence. Your life will change even if you sit and do nothing....capture that force and make the change a designed one for yourself. A good change. Choose it. Defy victimhood....put fear in a matchbox.
Algernon
Re: Drug Addiction and Anxiety
Hey welcome.
Thanks for willing to be so honest. They say we are only as sick as our secrets, so I think you showed great boldness.
Sometimes it helps, a little, to see these harsh truths just typed out on a screen.
You are not alone: I've lost jobs and been very near homeless myself.
I am totally unqualified to speak about anyone else's sobriety, but my own experience of sobriety is like a daily serving of bacon. Or Mexican Coca Cola. Or seeing, really seeing, a leaf for the first time. Or a really satisfying night's sleep.
That is what my sobriety is like. It is a treat.
Of course, lots of other things in my life suck. They are like that scene in the movie Joe Dirt where the poop just keeps pouring all over poor Joe Dirt.
But the sober part is subtle and wonderful.
Now if you should get sober, and how you get sober, is up to you. I can't/won't answer that. There are lots of ways to get sober, and what worked for me might not work for you, and vice versa.
I can assure you, 100%, that sobriety is possible. There is hope. There is absolutely hope.
And you sure were accurate that if one is breathing, one is a success that day. That is for sure.
I am too much of a mess myself to offer advice or suggestions. I do wish you well. I encourage you to keep reaching out for help until someone listens.
Actually, here is the only sobriety advice I have, which I'll send along to you: instead of picking up a drink, pick up the phone and call a friend. If you don't have any friends, then call the 24 hour numbers for people in crisis. (In my area it is 211.)
I hope things get better for you. Sometimes feeling better is on the other side of taking action.
But whatever you do, or don't do, you are a person of inherent worth and dignity.
Thanks for willing to be so honest. They say we are only as sick as our secrets, so I think you showed great boldness.
Sometimes it helps, a little, to see these harsh truths just typed out on a screen.
You are not alone: I've lost jobs and been very near homeless myself.
I am totally unqualified to speak about anyone else's sobriety, but my own experience of sobriety is like a daily serving of bacon. Or Mexican Coca Cola. Or seeing, really seeing, a leaf for the first time. Or a really satisfying night's sleep.
That is what my sobriety is like. It is a treat.
Of course, lots of other things in my life suck. They are like that scene in the movie Joe Dirt where the poop just keeps pouring all over poor Joe Dirt.
But the sober part is subtle and wonderful.
Now if you should get sober, and how you get sober, is up to you. I can't/won't answer that. There are lots of ways to get sober, and what worked for me might not work for you, and vice versa.
I can assure you, 100%, that sobriety is possible. There is hope. There is absolutely hope.
And you sure were accurate that if one is breathing, one is a success that day. That is for sure.
I am too much of a mess myself to offer advice or suggestions. I do wish you well. I encourage you to keep reaching out for help until someone listens.
Actually, here is the only sobriety advice I have, which I'll send along to you: instead of picking up a drink, pick up the phone and call a friend. If you don't have any friends, then call the 24 hour numbers for people in crisis. (In my area it is 211.)
I hope things get better for you. Sometimes feeling better is on the other side of taking action.
But whatever you do, or don't do, you are a person of inherent worth and dignity.
Work is love made visible. -Kahlil Gibran
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
-
Againsthegrain
- Posts: 6
- Joined: October 23rd, 2013, 4:55 pm
Re: Drug Addiction and Anxiety
I suffer from these too. I am sober now (almost 3 yrs/ alcohol-weed) and have never felt so sane. But with anxiety I often get overwhelmed with daily tasks or busy weeks and feel as though the world is against me or out to just simply crush me. I used to feel this way a lot of the time. I used to feel an anvil on my chest with no ability to take it off. To be honest I don't know how I've gotten here to be a some what level headed person. I know that somewhere lurking is my anxiety and depression as it has always been there as long as I can remember and seems to never trully go away. I know certain people don't understand that. People who haven't experienced depression or anxiety like I have or even you have a hard time relating or being patient with it. Thats been my experience which is why I choose to go to support groups.
I have found that support groups in the begining have helped me relate with others and learn from them. And to learn not to judge them or myself. It was not an easy task or one that I trully wanted but. With it I have been able to stay the course. I now meditate and try to be an honest person. I've said many times in my support groups that I need to be honest with myself first before being honest with others. I am so happy you chose to write about your struggles. Its taken me sometime to get to a point of being able to talk about myself or experience outside of a support group. That after what seems to be listening to Pauls 'cast that I am now stepping into the forums.
I have harmed others in my journey here. I have harmed myself. Often times I feel so much guilt and shame over it I don't know what to do or where to go. Hiding myself from others has never worked in the long run. In most cases I have used it as a short term solution to a long term problem. I used weed and alcohol to numb myself to feeling that pain. I suffered much longet than I had to get here. I made it so much difficult on muself and others. But I think they can agree that it has been for the better. I can only say what my experience is and thats something you will probably here a lot if you choose to go to a support group but us people who have this type of illness disease whatever you want to fucking call it are desperately in need of help. I find that support groups have worked in the begining and have found a new way to get me through the day more recently that I've been able to make it this far. I have had a ton of support in the early days and still do. Fuck, I hope this helps someone.
I have found that support groups in the begining have helped me relate with others and learn from them. And to learn not to judge them or myself. It was not an easy task or one that I trully wanted but. With it I have been able to stay the course. I now meditate and try to be an honest person. I've said many times in my support groups that I need to be honest with myself first before being honest with others. I am so happy you chose to write about your struggles. Its taken me sometime to get to a point of being able to talk about myself or experience outside of a support group. That after what seems to be listening to Pauls 'cast that I am now stepping into the forums.
I have harmed others in my journey here. I have harmed myself. Often times I feel so much guilt and shame over it I don't know what to do or where to go. Hiding myself from others has never worked in the long run. In most cases I have used it as a short term solution to a long term problem. I used weed and alcohol to numb myself to feeling that pain. I suffered much longet than I had to get here. I made it so much difficult on muself and others. But I think they can agree that it has been for the better. I can only say what my experience is and thats something you will probably here a lot if you choose to go to a support group but us people who have this type of illness disease whatever you want to fucking call it are desperately in need of help. I find that support groups have worked in the begining and have found a new way to get me through the day more recently that I've been able to make it this far. I have had a ton of support in the early days and still do. Fuck, I hope this helps someone.
Re: Drug Addiction and Anxiety
I'm glad you are writing about your addictions and depression honestly here. I think that step is very powerful. If you feel comfortable, maybe you can talk to a therapist or take medications in the short term until you get better. It seems like your addiction is hard-core, something that you can't handle on your own (and that is not weakness). It takes a strong person to admit they need help and actually go get it. In the meantime, I think you should feel free to write here anytime you want because sharing is very therapeutic. Feeling connected to others is so crucial--even if it's virtual. I feel like this place is much more real than my other friends who don't know to the extent of my depression. I can't share all of my feelings with them because they won't know what to do. They might even judge me and that's normal. If you are not suffering yourself, you can't relate. So I hope you can start expressing your feelings wherever you feel safe. For me, connecting with people here is a life line. It literally calms me down when I'm having an anxiety attack or spiraling down into depression. About an hour ago, I felt like I was going to lose it and now I'm much more calm. I should've joined earlier. You do get your needs me here of connecting with people who understand, and that itself makes you a better person because you're not carrying around all of the heavy darkness around feeling alone. You can actually be better friends with your normal friends because you're getting your needs met in other areas. Before, I thought my normal friendships were shallow and fake because I couldn't talk to them about my problems (and be "codependent"). But now, I can have fun friendships with them and get my needs met here when I'm doing bad. Here, there's no danger of me becoming codependent because I don't expect anything back other than sharing each other's stories. Good luck!
-
Dwayne03
- Posts: 1
- Joined: February 15th, 2015, 10:55 pm
- Gender: Male
- Issues: ALONE
- preferred pronoun: he
Re: Drug Addiction and Anxiety
Hey it is very good that you decided to discuss it here. You know I am suffering from aspergers syndrome. In the beginning I used to hide this but now I discuss all my problems with others. Actually I read an article on aspergers famous people and I was extremely inspired from that article.
Re: Drug Addiction and Anxiety
I feel so bad after reading your story. It is a matter of addiction to drugs for dealing with anxiety. I think acupunctures can really help you. If you will have control over anxiety then there will be no need to take drugs. So I strongly suggest you to visit acupuncture lorne park center for the treatment.