Hello all!

[cpa85]

Thanks for the reassurance.

I have been doing better the past several days. It felt good to put an entire work day in on Friday, then I went to dinner and hung out with friends. Saturday I also went to hang out with a group of friends (and THREE big dogs, lol). On both occasions, I was very nervous and was full of dark, negative thoughts that slowly faded as I began to engage and enjoy the moment more. I had a good time both nights.

The problems I am struggling with now is getting over that hump and trying to stay positive. I worked today as well (though from the comfort of home), and I am about to go out to dinner again. What's nagging me are those unwanted and intrusive thoughts. It's like I'm starting them to sort of test myself (to see how I'm holding up), but then they stick and start to bring me down. It's almost as if my brain is trying to find something to worry and obsess about, since that has been my pattern for most of my life (at least, when things get tough). I understand it's part of my brain chemistry that will not change overnight (even when I am making progress), but damnit, it's frustrating.

I'm also still stuck on the worry/thought that it's all pointless anyway since we will all eventually pass away. I guess that's the existential part of my depression. Again, I got hung up on that twice before on previous episodes (2005 and 2009), and eventually got past it as well. Does anyone know of a way to cope with or combat those worries? Ultimately I know life is not meaningless, because we can provide meaning to our own lives. It's just hard to give in and feel the goodness of that truth when I'm in a sour mood.

[bigeekgirl]

As cheesy as it sounds, the only thing that chases away the big anxieties about the futility of life is losing ourselves in moments of "flow" - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_%28psychology%29 - where you're totally immersed in the moment. It sounds to me like you were there over the weekend. The sun may spin off it's axis, but right here I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to me doing and my internal dialog is silent. It doesn't happen very often but I feel amazing when it does. Anytime I can get out of my own head is a good thing.

[cpa85]

I suppose an update is in order. In the past half year since my issues in November, things have definitely been better overall. I have been doing well at work (I've always performed well but I'm back to being comfortable again most of the time) and I've also branched out socially a little bit more.

The big news in my life right now is that I have been house-shopping and tomorrow I FINALLY close on the house on which I had an offer accepted almost 45 days ago.

But here's the thing...this big looming life change (amazing and positive as it is) has really sparked up my anxiety and depression again. This time it's mostly just generalized with a TON of "awfulizing": what if I freak out at the closing? what if I go crazy and can't make the payments? what if...what if..forever and ever.

And as always with my depression, I have the terrible (and irrational to be honest) fear that I will get to the point that I will kill myself. Now, I have no desire to do this. I want to be happy, I want to work and feel better. I've gotten past that weird, unwanted, obsessive thought before so I know I have the capacity to get past it. I don't know if I mentioned it before but for me I think it's related to my hypochondria: (for example, I have a chest pain = OMG that must mean I have a severe heart problem), so I'm depressed = OMG that must mean I'm doomed to harm myself. It really does stem from there and nowhere else because if I didn't know that it was a thing that happened to some depressed people, I honestly don't think I would have this thought/fear. As poorly as I am at getting better sometimes, my only real desire is always to be better, not just quit.

I think the other problem that makes this thought so disturbing is that it's easy to imagine (as in, simple). If I imagine myself moving to another country or having a really crazy job (I dunno, movie star or rock star), it's kinda difficult because there are SO many ways to go with it. But if that scary suicide thought pops in, it's really already a complete thought because it's a very simple basic premise. So I think that makes it feel so terrifyingly real: it's just too easy to picture. And that picture is obviously very scary. And one thing that really helped me get through the negative thoughts the last time is just to take note of my reaction and move on: if I'm scared by it, it means it's unwanted, thus it's untrue to my true desires (to get better).

[Cornflake Girl]

Wow, cpa, you sound phenomenally better I have found that big changes, whether they're negative or positive, affect my mood and anxiety and PTSD, or whatever ails me, about the same. Change can be scary and over-whelming. From my experiences, what you're experiencing sounds normal, or at least predictable. Thank you for sharing that you are noticing how you feel without over-analyzing it (have I gotten that right?). That tool has helped me so much in helping to calm my anxieties down.

Congratulations on all your hard work and progress and a BIG Thank You for the update. Peace. CG