twisted up

[cyanidebreathmint]

fuck, i feel exhausted, really. i don't even know how i got myself tangled up in these knots, but i did.

i'm tired of my stupid fucking body filling me up over my head with directionless dread, and being so serious about stupid fucking shit i don't want to care about. and i'm tired of "whiting out" during mild social encounters that i don't even want to give a shit about. jesus christ.

i hate my body for making me sad or scared all of the time, sick all of the time, confused, and unable to get a grip enough to do anything i find important.

on top of that, it also fucking hurts from sleeping. seriously, fucking asshole body? you hurt yourself while you're sleeping? and you're ugly, and what food can you handle without breaking down? seriously, i wish i could return you. all of the other women in my family are model gorgeous and i can't eat 80% of foods, somehow i'm still fatter than everyone else, and my face is completely fucked. thanks, genes.

i feel hateful.

but i don't think i want to hurt myself anymore, so that's good. thanks, forums.

i'm trying to be gentle. fuck.

[cpa85]

I've been finding recently that just getting some light exercise and eating healthily helps with the "body" part of the anxiety. Even just doing a bunch of stretches is helpful. So when I've been keyed up recently, I find that I can just move around a bit and that helps because it's taking some of that physical discomfort away, which makes it easier for the brain to relax.

[cyanidebreathmint]

i'm a pretty healthy vegan and i exercise fairly regularly. but, you're right. i agree with you.

i think my problem yesterday was that all of the nervous energy was funnelled into hate, and moving kind of make me want to channel movement into hitting stuff or breaking stuff or hitting myself or breaking myself ( in whatever way that means).

i actually thought, "oh i should do push-ups, or crunches or something." i had done some earlier, but i couldn't make myself do it. i get in that mood sometimes, where it's beyond positive action. or seems so.

[cyanidebreathmint]

fuck everyone. that's how i feel right now. and tired.

of course, it's just frustration. but, hey.