OK. I officially blame my Dad

[ScottMentalPod]

http://muhc.ca/newsroom/news/dads-how-i ... t-are-they
Mice raised without a father had abnormal social interactions and were more aggressive than counterparts raised with both parents. These effects were stronger for female offspring than for their brothers. Females raised without fathers also had a greater sensitivity to the stimulant drug, amphetamine.

[bigeekgirl]

Science makes me feel so much better when it agrees with what goes on in my head.

Appropriate blame feels like a good thing to me these days. My father's sins are those of omission. I can't imagine not fighting like heck for more access to my child. I simply can't. It's only recently I've come to see my mother's part.

[Mike]

To be honest I'd rather have had no father at all then the one I was stuck with. Hard to know if a terrible father is better than no father at all

[Cinnamon]

I would vote for none over a bad one because the "what if" would be a better alternative of someone kind, caring....but a bad present one forces you to always be hyper vigilante, responsive to them

[bigeekgirl]

My bio-dad was not in my life exactly but he wasn't "gone" either.

Especially now as an adult when he wants to have a relationship and acts like he's a parental figure in my life, I do often think it would be easier if he was utterly absent. Finding out he and my step mother are close with my cousins really hurts like a stab to the heart. I never even went to their house until I was 25 years old and hadn't met her til I was 22. Fuck Facebook all to hell for getting me connected to the family I didn't know growing up just well enough to see they had bonds I'll never be able to be a part of. Worse, my father reposts sappy shit about parenting I wouldn't even respect if we did have a parent/child relationship. But as it is, posting someone else's photo shopped garbage about how "your child is your whole world" is a slap in the face to the adult child who still struggles with insecurities and feelings of worthlessness. I was a picture on his dresser and a check he wrote once a month, not a complete person with needs and feelings of my own. As much as my mother used me as an emotional support and damaged me, at least she was there getting me up for school, feeding me and dealing with a the day-to-day parenting responsibilities. No matter what, I at least have that with her and my step-dad no matter what mistakes they made. With my father, I have a few dozen weekends spent in hotels and awkwardness because I didn't love him like a daughter should. It leave me feeling extremely bitter he portrays himself as a father to other people, but I never had a father in him when I could have used the parenting.

Damn. I'm so thankful for this forum. I've been rolling this shit around in my head for a couple of weeks since the last little Facebook repost.

[irrationalpersist]

Oh. Thanks for putting that pain into words. I have a father who is seen as such a great and wonderful father and grandfather to so many and in my eyes he is the coward who had an affair and moved out, leaving me with four younger brothers and a seriously mentally ill mother. I was devastated by that event and yet no one in my family will talk about it. Worse, it was decades ago, at a guess, 45 (if I was 13 then) and it still feels raw despite years of therapy and recovery from alcohol and drugs.

Last winter I finally told my dad not to call me or communicate with me until I contacted him. I was fed up with being treated like a second class citizen in the family. I was tired of being treated like an afterthought, like an obligation. It is impossible to talk to him, he is an active alcoholic who has no awareness of the ongoing pain his thoughtlessness causes me whenever I encounter him.

I have 5 siblings, and none of them will have an honest conversation about our history with this man. Nor will they talk about the ongoing influence he exerts over all our family relationships.

It is hard to put a finger on, and yet, there are so many instances of his selfish self-interest in his relationship with me, even in the last 5 years. Yet no one in the family will hear a word about it. They just tell me to get over it. And then they wonder why I don't want to attend family dinners.

I am realizing that I need support to deal with this situation because it is becoming a daily cluster fuck of thought that gets spun up and is very difficult to spin down.

My heart goes out to everyone dealing this particular form of mental and emotional neglect and/or abuse.

[sliceofpandabread]

My dad never laid a hand on me till I was 19 years old. He'd called me a dyke (because I cut my hair very short after being molested at 14 years old). He told me that the man who abducted and molested me was laughing behind my back with his friends about everything he got to do to me. While I was in captivity of my abuser, my dad told the news that "someone took what was his". I wasn't his daughter - I was property. I was stolen, not violated. His ego was bruised - probably because he has no heart to hurt.

The day he hit me, it was at the request of my mother. I asked her for guidance when I was considering moving in with my boyfriend. Apparently, she couldn't handle the idea of me having sex before marriage, so she went shopping and called my dad. He came home while she was gone and chased me around the living room smacking me. I packed up whatever I could and left.

I definitely blame my dad for my not knowing how a boyfriend or husband should treat me. I have been raped, beaten, and verbally abused more times than I can count by boyfriends and my first husband. I thank Goddess for my husband now, who is so patient with my learning how to react to a good relationship.

I haven't talked to my dad for over a year now. I sent him a card on Father's Day in 2013, and that was it. I've changed my number and my address and have not given him or my mom any of that information.