Being smart doesn't matter

[wendy]

I think most people would appreciate being called smart. I hate it. Smart doesn't matter if you can't focus enough to use it consistently, and I can only ever seem to focus enough to use my brains in short spurts. Medication helps, but only so far-- it doesn't get rid of the negative self image, the feelings of failure and the fear that I'll never quite be able to catch up with people who are clearly dumb as rocks and somehow managed to get farther in life than I ever have.

I wish I were just stupid enough to not be aware of any of this.

I do really well when I feel like I'm in my element. I solve problems, I'm able to organize large projects, I get things done. The hard part is getting there, I'm always back burnered when it comes to prioritizing money, time, space, resources. Always. I've gotten so used to it happening that I do it to myself now.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello wendy!

the feelings of failure and the fear that I'll never quite be able to catch up with people who are clearly dumb as rocks and somehow managed to get farther in life than I ever have.

One thing I did recently that helped me was to embrace my failure, to see that success and failure are two sides of the same coin, to reject the worldly definition of success

i have challenges that allow me to recognize people like me in pain, help those people with authenticity and compassion with workable techniques, and alleviate some of their suffering. those things would be impossible if i didn't have the challenges originally

sometimes i am aware that i can only get 20 seconds productive work done. so i do so. with a piece of paper i can structure tasks so i can break off a worthwhile organizing part as the first 20 seconds, or the 2nd 20 seconds, or so. even writing a label on a folder can be stomach churning, so i do it and know that is all i can do at that moment and have compassion for myself, eventually in very tiny bursts i have organized the problem and practiced self-compassion so that i can begin work with a realistic end goal based on my personal definition of success - the best i can do given the challenges that i have objective evidence that i have, that i didn't ask for, that i didn't choose

i like writing in my personal journal and i like mind-mapping software - both are forgiving of breaking tasks into tiny chunks and organizing and bringing my anxiety level down and not condemning me to work on the same 20 seconds over and over and over again

please don't let me bully you with my autobiography - you are the expert on your own experience. please take care, all the best, cheers!

[UncleBunny]

Ugghhh... I can so relate to this. It often feels as if none of my natural gifts are applicable to our modern world. Money matters and time management are the worst, most stress-inducing concepts to me. I cringe whenever I hear or read the words "time management" or "efficiency."

Hang in there. Hopefully, we can get to a place where these attributes of our personalities complement those around us and we aren't made to feel inferior.

Also,

@manuel_moe_g I always love reading your thoughtful, compassionate responses.

[fifthsonata]

Being smart does matter. You have the gift to realize something better is out there and you have the intellect to realize change is possible. I've been able to get to a master's degree using the "short spurts" tactic - I say that not to discourage you, but to help you realize that the path is not what is important. Getting there is important. If you need to sit on a washer while it goes to focus on bills, then so be it. When I was writing my thesis, I'd pace around the library, walking and reading. It was the only way I could focus and retain information. The librarians actually let me just check out a room to pace in (mostly because I kept running in to people....).

Your path may be a little weird, but the end product is still there and probably a hell of a lot better.

[bee]

I totally get this. Being smart meant I was able to be a terrible student with good to great grades, often matching or beating kids who worked ten times harder than I did for their grades. Once I got into college (in a pretty demanding program that was competitive to get into), it all fell apart because I never learned how to focus in class or study for exams. No one forced me to or paid too much attention to me because clearly whatever I was doing had been working out more than well. There were all these high expectations raised by peers, family, friends, and especially myself, and all that was left to do was to fall. The failure felt and still feels immense. It's been 10 years since then, and I'm doing all right, but it's hard to totally forget just how much better I was meant to be doing right now. It's hard to reconcile that great brain from back then to this mushy useless grey lump I have in my noggin now.

[Odin]

Bee you must have hacked my brain because that is exactly my story. I skated through High School, never developed any study skills and then when I got to college crumbled. Now I feel so angry and resentful that so many of my classmates who were less successful then (and likely much less intelligent) have gone on to do so much more. I just can't ever seem to get my shit together.

[Bioluminescence]

I relate to that so much. It's incredibly frustrating to sit there and think, I know I can do better and then it doesn't happen. Even after forcing myself to a schedule, it's like my thoughts are a pile of leaves and some jerk keeps kicking them around. All the connections and ideas trying coalesce just can't stick together.

It feels like there's this more perfect version of myself locked away somewhere and it's torturous. Knowing it's there, knowing I could be that version, and then being condemned to carry that unlocked potential everywhere I go. I'm bitter and embarrassed about it, too. I came from a small town where people started wanting my autograph before I left and now I'm afraid I'll just be a self-pitying embodiment of What Could Have Been.

(Sorry if I got carried away.)

[Holly]

Right there with all of you! I've never ever been in touch with anyone who understands, so this is really a first.

Despite making it through my school years with high enough grades to get into a competitive university, I ended up having to take so many incompletes throughout college and then, after somehow graduating, struggled to stay on task in a job I hated, wondering how I ever managed it back in high school. That said, while I got by, I was forever being told that I'm "so smart, but...," followed by lazy, not trying, not applying myself, unfocused, etc. As much as I resented being told that, I resented even more that they were right, and that I could be better, should be better, but it's my fault for not being that better, more competent Holly. Logically, I know that I was trying, but it's been drilled so intensely in my head that I have this potential and these tools, so I should be able to just get it together.

[rc409]

Holly, Im with you. I HAD a time in my life when my job was sealing box tops....thats it. I was envious of the "dumb" guy I worked with. He was happy. I kept trying to find a way to permanently disable myself on the tape machine cutter.

Your going to walk into a job, situation, relationship, whatever and that brain of yours will be your friend.

Same story regarding school and such.

[Motivated1200]

I'm feeling frustrated right now because I just lost a job where a lot of pressure was put on me for my performance (which in this particular situation was unfair) but I handled it in the worst way possible. When asked to be accountable for some trivial mistakes when my workload had increased 2 times in 1 week. The conversation started off very bad for me. One sided with my boss saying I had no excuse to be a human being and do the best I could with prioritization when I didn't get a break for my whole shift. I just walked out. Ofcourse it was a bad situation for me, but it was still a job. I hadn't had time to exorcise and eat well like I should cause of work stress I know it helps me with focus and manners in pressure situations. Just saying I hope I can help somebody else spot this before they make the same mistake.