Parents in Peril

[hedgewitch]

My dad just subtlety said that he's considering suicide. What?! I'm already dealing with my own depression/anxiety/suicidal ideation and now my dad says that if he's at the same job much longer that at least my mom and I would get his life insurance. I suggested therapy, but god, what do you do when a parent tells you they're considering suicide?

[Cinnamon]

exactly what you did - try to find help

I suggest seriously talking with your dad. If he mentioned it, and is thinking of it, then address it. Too many (too too many) avoid following up on talk of suicide because they don't know what to say, don't want to "put ideas in their head" or are too fucking scared or unbelieving that their loved one they "know so well" and who is "so strong" would.
You don't know anyone that well and no one is strong all the time.

No, I don't suggest talking. Do it. As awful and hard as it is, it is better to talk about it than sit in some grief group wishing you had.

First - a few things:
most suicides do mention it in some form to others.
most suicides are quite ambiguous about it...they want to live but not their life, or they want to live but are dying from the pain...or they have felt a major blow.....
Men in the late middle ages or older are the most likely to try and succeed. We think teens and suicide a lot but the older male does it more to completion.

Make sure he knows, if he is depressed or whatever, that NO amount of money could replace him. None. And there is always more money in the world but only one him.

Make sure he knows that no matter how low or worthless he feels, he doesn't have to live the rest of his life as he feels now...or face the rest of his life with whatever issue. All he has to do is be here now, this moment/hour/day. That is all he has to face right now. And he is not facing it alone.

Make sure he knows that "suicide survivors" (I have real issues with the term but its how it is used in the literature) which is those left behind by a suicide...face far more pain and grief and trauma than normal grief. Suicide is equal to living through a war in terms of the devastating psychological impact it has on survivors. God, I could tell you stories. The grief is palpable. It is more than grief. It shatters not just the heart but everything you thought you knew, about the person and life and choice and free will....
Make sure he knows what an awful legacy suicide is....devastating beyond belief.

DO ask him if he has thought of how he would do it...a major indicator of intent.
DO NOT leave him alone until he is under a doctor or mental health system and has been evaluated.
Hide any guns. Seriously. Just do it.
Consider other dangers in your home.
Ask for help for yourself too...this is enormous.
And remember that while you do all you can, you cannot do this alone....he has agency and we can only help people as much as they allow us to help.
Keep us posted.

I will find and post some links and resources next.

[Cinnamon]

aContact his physician or if he has a mental health provider.
this is delicate because most states can and often will try to "commit" someone who is suicidal and they might feel betrayed if you say too much. Reveal as much as you need but no more to the physician or provider to get a sense of options.

Contact any clergy or religious provider...they have less reporting duties.

Call the suicide hotline. sounds lame but I spent several hours over the course of several nights calling them and they helped so much the week after my partner completed suicide and I had no idea who else to call...no idea how to make it to dawn.

American Foundation for Prevention of Suicide
http://www.afsp.org/preventing-suicide

Alliance for Hope
http://actionallianceforsuicideprevention.org/

http://www.fiercegoodbye.com/?S=13
fierce goodbye

http://www.catholiccharities.net/GetHel ... /Loss.aspx
this above is for survivors but they can perhaps give you directions and are wonderful and non denominational

this too is for survivors
but a resource
http://www.allianceofhope.org/alliance- ... lcome.html

http://www.nami.org/

I saw in one post you felt your dad had NPD....they like drama, true. But don't assume they won't act on it and do the most dramatic. He should be in treatment anyways...easier said than done.

[hedgewitch]

It's even worse than just him being suicidal because I have suicidal ideation/suicidal tendencies/a history of self-harm. Like, I know how bad it can get and I don't feel I'm good enough to talk to him about it. He doesn't feel he has the time for therapy, it's not worthwhile, etc. I told him how I feel about therapy (that everyone should go to it), and he doesn't see it. He's stuck in this job that makes him suicidal because he's trying to support me. And he gives that reasoning, that he's still in this job that he hates because of me. I don't know if simply talking to him about it is enough from me. I would've told my mother after talking to him, but she's been hardly awake due to bronchitis.

I can't wait to get back to LA and see my therapist. Seriously. This vacation can be over now.

[Cinnamon]

Sounds like you have a very complicated situation.
Do talk to your mom, even if she is ill, its easier face to face to convey your concerns, leave her some resources and people to call,

As for your dad - you are NOT the reason he is "stuck" in a job he doesn't like. Anymore than an abused woman is stuck in a marriage because of her kids. He is not stuck because of you and he is not suicidal because of a job....LOTS of people hate their jobs but do it without thinking of suicide, because it feels good to support themselves, it has purpose, it helps them reach a goal, etc.
Even if he supports you, and even if the job market is crummy, there are options to make his job better, or attitude, or change or develop a second income so that some day he can move on. He sounds afraid of change.
And that must be very deep rooted...afraid both of job change and of therapy.

Which doesn't mean he doesn't need either.
But, right, you can only offer options. He has to make a move too.
His statements can be very manipulative, as they sound, and also very much the truth so I can see, if he plays that role with you, that would be a hard conversation to get into.
Are there uncles or aunts or friends of his you can talk to?

And do not know where this "vacation" is but I am glad you will not be there day to day.
Take care of yourself.

[Data]

I would suggest calling a suicide prevention helpline. They aren't just for if you are having suicidal thoughts. A good one can help you with how to ask questions to determine how serious the suicidal thoughts are, when and what actions to take if they are serious, and helping you to deal with the fact that a loved one is talking about suicide and what help you can get. I have called my University suicidal helpline on two separate occasions when friends were suicidal. They had different questions to ask for the man and the women, they were good about listening to my feelings of anxiety about approaching the topic, and were trained in helping me to talk to the right people. I think what was the most helpful was the feeling that in talking to someone trained in how to respond to suicidal threats I was doing the best I could do. I think if I had talked to a friend or a family member about it they would have been just as clueless as I was about how to deal with it, and it would have left me feeling really powerless and like I wasn't doing enough to help. The helpline took that burden off my shoulders and gave me tools to deal with my situation.

I wish I could suggest to you a particular hotline. Unfortunately I used my University line, so that is probably not accessible to you. You can google Suicide Helpline and I am sure you will get a response, or you can check out the website suggested on the Mental Illness Happy Hour Page here:http://helpguide.org/topics/suicide_prevention.htm I hope this helps.