Awful First Impression

[soitgoes]

I am a loser. In six months I will be thirty years old. I have made nothing of myself or my life. I was taken out of public school after sixth grade and then home schooled by my mother with Christian curriculum. I am not a Christian. It never resonated with me. It never appealed to me either. I have never actually had a real girlfriend. There was a girl who really liked me when I was a teenager and she would call my house alot until my mother told her to stop calling. Around this time in my life my mother would try to catch me masturbating. She succeeded once. I still live with my parents in what feels like the middle of nowhere. I never went to college because I've always felt like the home schooling wasn't a real education and I didn't want to see how far ahead of me my peers were. I've also been unemployed for around five years and it's safe to say I'm unemployable. I just want to fucking die. I don't see why I should keep living just because my suicide would upset some people.

[MichaelHung]

first thing I want to say is that you are NOT a loser at all....you just got stuck in a tough situation. And like Jay-Z says..."30 is the new 20" with plenty of years ahead of you. Its tough living with your parents..it's like you can't break free psychologically which can keep you in constant state of depression. Just remember, that this is YOUR life and life is meant to be lived to the fullest with pain, joy, and everything in between. You are NOT alone buddy, Paul has created an amazing podcast and community here.

Michael

[bigeekgirl]

Welcome to the forums. It is a good place to be when you are ready to change your life.

I so relate to the feeling of not having made anything of life. My circumstances aren't exactly the same as your but for the enmeshed & inappropriate family relationships. No doubt about it, a mother who attempts to catch you masturbating is wildly inappropriate.

You are only just beginning. And while the experiences you've had so far may not feel like anything, they can be the basis of a life where you're in control of your own destiny - as much as anyone ever is - and happy.

[simon6]

I think many here could sympathize with the feelings of lacking achievement in your life, since most people with some degree of lack of self-esteem will never think their accomplishments are enough. One kernel of hope I provide you is to know that it is NEVER too late to go back to school, and that is one sure fire immediate path out of your current existence. Is there a community college nearby that you could go to? Community college is a great place to start your education, and I know numerous adults who start back in their 30's, 40's or older and went on to work for the rest of their lives in a field that they enjoyed.

It might not be easy to get started, but once you start to see successes, it will motivate you to do more and hope well enter your life again.

[Camp4]

I'm only 29 and have only just recently moved out of my mothers house. I was also homeschooled for a bit by a Christian mother. I am now going to community college and studying something interesting.

I would say you are employable, maybe just not in the field you want right at this moment. But any job will give you more of a sense of independence. It will allow you to start saving money and living on your own.

One thought that helped me change and gain independence was to consider this though: if my parents both died today, what would I do to survive without their assistance? Would I be forced to live on the street? Accept government assistance? Accept food stamps, homeless shelter? Resort to asking strangers for help? I know one thing, I would immediately become more resourceful or I would starve. Why not imagine that you have no other choice but to cut ties with your parents, then DO IT. Even if it means sacrificing some comfort and security, just get out of there if possible. Anything would be better than living at home at this point. Do you have a car? Live in it until you can afford a monthly rent. Do you have any friends with couches? Crash at their places until you can afford a monthly rent.

Good luck and I do empathize with you. I am starting anew at my age 29 as well, starting a new career path. Why the hell not, learning never hurt anyone even if it is a long road to success.

[bigeekgirl]

Even if it means sacrificing some comfort and security, just get out of there if possible. Anything would be better than living at home at this point.

I have recently stopped accepting financial gifts from my parents, but I admit I was not brave enough to do it before I was more secure. But nothing is ever certain. Still, I know their money feels like bribery and I will never live under their roof again. It's scary not to have a safety net when you're in the middle of awfulizing in my anxiety, but I have my pride and self respect in a way I didn't before.