At 1hr 40 min in today, Paul read my shame and secrets

[banjokazooie]

My heart stopped. I laid down in my bed, paused from my cleaning, and listened with shortness of breath. It was a profound experience for me. And if I still went to therapy, I would discuss it there but I guess I thought would introduce myself here in case one of the listeners wanted to meet me.

[DingoDad]

I heard him read your survey, congratulations. I don't think he got the reference for your username though. I just joined and filled out a couple of surveys myself. Tell me a little about yourself, if you are comfortable.
DingoDad

[bigeekgirl]

I've thought about what it would be like to have Paul read something of mine. I imagine it's a big surreal, but being on the receiving end of all that compassion would be great. When I even just relate to someone else's answers and Paul says something perfect in response, it's almost as good as when my therapist does it.

[letteggs]

Paul read mine last year, and I had not listened to the podcast for a while, so I was completely not prepared when I started catching up on what I missed and heard him say my name before reading the survey. I can still feel the reaction I had...Sweaty palms, heart racing, starting to hyperventilate, just sit and stare in shock. I had to pause the podcast to get my emotions under control, because my "secrets" were about to be made public for the world to see. I was mortified for the longest time, and about half an hour later, I turned the podcast back on to hear him read the rest of it. I have to say, hearing my "dirty laundry" aired for the public made the biggest difference. I was no longer living alone, under this heavy weight of my illness. It had been shared, and while Paul didn't know anything about SPD, he said he was interested in learning more.

It took a while after that for me to send him an e-mail, sharing my experience, and thanking him for reading the survey, and I later joined the forum here. But it was definitely a life-changing experience, and made me realize that I am more than my illness, I am not alone, and I am awesome.

[DingoDad]

I spend so much time hiding in plain sight that baring my secrets in a public way can be therapeutic for me. Keeping things secret can be very hard work and just letting them go sometimes can be quite a release. That being said, I spend a lot of time journaling at a local coffee shop and I try to let everything that is on my mind flow onto the pages as I go. Writing is a big help for me and it helps me feel like I'm not as isolated in the world as I think I am.

[MichaelHung]

I think that is awesome that Paul read your shame and secrets. For that, I think a congratulations is in order! You are very brave to not only submit your shame and secrets survey, but to post on the forum with this thread too. I always admire people willing to be open and honest about their deepest, darkest thighs. As Brene brown mentions, courage is being vulnerable. Your courage should be commended.

Michael

By the way... I was lucky enough to have Paul read my awe-fulsome moments about my dog eating his own shit today at 1hour and 52...so I feel like we have a special connection

[bigeekgirl]

The dog shit thing was the ultimate awe-fulsome moment.

[banjokazooie]

Thanks for the responses, everyone.

Mentalpod has taught me a lot about what it means to be human, and a large part of that is due not to just to Paul and the guests but the listeners. I mean, why would something like that even exist if there wasn't a huge amount of people out there listening? I am happy that I can share what has happened to me and how I have responded to it with all these people who have taught me a lot about this stuff that has happened and how I have responded to it.

Some things about me that didn't get brought up in that survey - I have a wonderful relationship with my mother and her whole family. My siblings and my cousins have kept me from killing myself, so did my therapist, and the dog that I grew up with even kept me from running awa from home! I have had a wonderful, full life and I have recently been going through a period of profound happiness. I must have filled out that survey before I cut off contact from my dad, a decision that I made due to strength I have acquired through all the healing. I might even get a better job soon. It is possible, for those of you who are still stuck. It's been two years since I discovered mentalpod during a period of horrible depression after graduating college. It terrified me because it reminded me of how awful I felt growing up, but it turned out that it WAS all in my head and it DID pass. Because I didn't push it away and I wasn't afraid to confront it and learn from it, I grew from it.